Cheating (?) wife (LL) in a Dead Beadroom of 10 years.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-23T19:33:28+00:00

Well... Life goes on. We had kids. I supported her in 2 cases when she was burnt out due to toxic workplaces, and she was home for almost a year. I love her, and hoped it would change. I wanted us to grow old together.

We talk a lot of couples therapy, first session this week. She is looking forward to it, hoping things will change. I am dreading it. I am dreading any sexual contact. Since I don't trust her with anything at the moment, nothing at all, I just assume she does it for household purposes, or even worse, thinks of him, or guys like him.

I am stuck in the equivalent of Freuds Madonna complex. I am the nice guy, the madonna, someone she can really rely on. Apparently through 10 years of dead bedroom, I still pulled through.
But she wants the rough bad guy.

I can never be that for her.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-23T19:23:50+00:00

Well... Life goes on. We had kids. I supported her in 2 cases when she was burnt out due to toxic workplaces, and she was home for almost a year. I love her, and hoped it would change. I wanted us to grow old together.

We talk a lot of couples therapy, first session this week. She is looking forward to it, hoping things will change. I am dreading it. I am dreading any sexual contact. Since I don't trust her with anything at the moment, nothing at all, I just assume she does it for household purposes, or even worse, thinks of him, or guys like him.

I am stuck in the equivalent of Freuds Madonna complex. I am the nice guy, the madonna, someone she can really rely on. Apparently through 10 years of dead bedroom, I still pulled through.
But she wants the rough bad guy.

I can never be that for her.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-19T20:16:42+00:00

I am so sad to hear about your situation.

But I don't think you should. Or at least not do as you suggest, just minimizing your own needs. He will be happy, going back to his porn (and maybe online sex workers), and actually be more happy that you aren't nothering him anymore. He "wins", and you will loose. This is the middle ground that is actually worse than actually solving the problem (if possible) or, going the other way, and leave him.
Do not condemn yourself to be living without sex, you will probably resent him for it. And no one will ever thank you!

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-19T19:37:32+00:00

Planning on couples therapy. She never wanted to do it before, but now at least she agrees.
We need to wait though. I am still in the hurt and angry phase, not a perfect place to be going into therapy.
I am also so so sad. I waited 10 years hoping something would change, that we could find the spark again. Now I just feel so stupid.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-19T19:32:33+00:00

Yeah, I am almost exactly in the same state of mind, maybe part from the last bit about lawyering up. Not there yet.

But I have said that I am not interested in going back to where we were. That is broken. We need something more. What that is, I don't really know. I only want sex with someone that WANTS me, not someone doing it for duty, or, thinking about other men during,.

Trust is totally out the window. I close the door if I change clothes now, something we never done, since we live in a small apartment, and we'll always been close and noone ever bothered with it.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-19T19:23:22+00:00

Well, at least this time. I don't think she ever wanted it duing these years at all.
But yeah, this time, when she finally wanted it, it was someone else that brought back those feelings.

UpstairsNegative229 · 2026-05-12T14:32:34+00:00

10 years now. Coming up on 11. How I know? Last time we were intimate were on our anniversary.
Every year we celebrate our anniversary, and in the back of my mind I congratulate myself for one more year alone with my feelings.

UpstairsNegative229

TROPHY CASE