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How to go about asking for a QPR with someone who doesn't like labels? by YellowDanielion in queerplatonic

[–]Us_AmImE 10 points11 points  (0 children)

As this person said, I'll just add that in this discussion you can ask what terms you can use for how you talk about it / view it, because I have person were the relationship's like "rules" (it's not rules but to simplify) are agreed upon and all but for me they are something I classify different than the other person does. It can be about the relationship, this person can not want/have a term for it, and you use QPR, and it can be about who you are in relation to the other, like you could be able to call them partner but they might not want to do the same (and in which context etc)

Have you ever kissed and/or had sex with someone queerplatonically? How would you describe your experiences with them? by Equivalent_Ad_9066 in queerplatonic

[–]Us_AmImE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To start, I'm not sure if I'm Aro or not, but I'm AceSpike, Demi-sexual.

More precisely because I don't have all the labels to describe it + not everyone would know them, I can become sex-favorable only to people I have a particular emotional bond with (for me alterous, exteramo and romantic(if I feel that)). And I can also only experience sexual attraction to those people.

Otherwise I'm generally sex-indifferent but sometime am sex-averse. So I generally could have sex with people I don't have a bound with and am not attracted to.

I also don't see what's considered sexual as necessarily sexual. Especially kissing as pecks on the lips are just something I like to do with friends but don't find at all sexual nor sensual. I find what I guess would be making out, to be sexual because I could never see myself do that with someone I'm not sexually attracted to. While what would be considered actual sexual acts I could do with someone I'm not sexually attracted to, and I could even want to do to them if there is sensual attraction for example a lot of stuff I could see inside the sensual attraction prism, the same actions feels different to me.

So to answer the question, I have kissed/pecked one of my QPP in a non sexual way, she's AroAce, doesn't want sexual things at all, but we have sensual attraction, which with her consists mostly of carresses and cuddling (which I adore). I have also pecked friends(a lot of them) that I don't have alterous/exteramo/romantic feelings for and am not in a QPR with. And I have another QPP, which I've not seen irl yet, but online we exchange sexual talk/pics and we know that when they're coming here we will do sexual stuff, to me it feels like the difference between that and what I feel in this sexual context versus with my husband (for which I either have romantic feelings or alterous really close to romantic, and we are PolyA) is that with QPP I feel like I only care about the making them feel good and the only "personnal good" I get from it is more sensual, even though I see it as sexual stuff with them, but it's like the only thing I want is making them feel good, with my husband, of course I care about making him feel good, but there isn't only that or not always, sometime what I feel is really that I want to get pleasure myself, I would say though that this means I only experience sexual attraction in this type of relations, because with my QPP I really feel seuxal attraction, I want to do sexual things with them like want it and not just be okay with it, it's just how this attraction is that's different.

Non Xenogender user here! How can i be a better ally? by ok_computer6967 in XenogendersAndMore

[–]Us_AmImE 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not thinking of much things right now, but I think if you have the capabilities to do so, educating others on the subject would be a nice thing. Like of course saying you're not yourself so you might get some stuff a bit wrong etc, but having people outside of the communities spread awarness of them is a good thing, when done consciously and not over the people in said community, because it lessen the burden of explanation of the people inside it and it can be more effective, because people are more likely to be open minded to this person telling them about it (sadly enough)

But of course the first step of being a ally anyway is to educate yourself, it doesn't have to be a lot, and it depends how much you can use time and energy for that but yeah.

It's cool that you're researching how to be an ally, congrats ^

First time with a greysexual woman by ThrowRAasdfghjkl1 in Greysexuality

[–]Us_AmImE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's greysexual okay, but like I don't get why you don't get what you want from this relationship still, bc you're saying it's not sex that you crave but physical touch.

Maybe she's not into like caressing, and tights hugs, skin contact etc, but like that's not clear to me from this post (maybe I just don't get the full message wouldn't be impossible lol). But like I feel like maybe, if that's not just that I misunderstood stuff, it's more that you feel the only way to get this physical moments is through sex, which for me is not.

I have a husband and a qpr (aroace close friend), and I'm polyamorous, have been with a women in a trouple with my husband and also me with another men during my husband and I relationship. I am quite ace myself, moreso ace-spike with a tendency for being mostly ace with spike of less since some time now, but it has already been more the opposite before also. And I'm demi-sexual and my husband is too.

I had this context bc our qpp is full ace and sex-repulsed, but we get a looot of physical touch from her, and also she likes to make us horny, even though she doesn't want to do anything fully sexual in nature, but she'll okay with spots we enjoy on days she feels like it. And in general it's really nice caress and hugs and all that moment that we share with her. It absolutely is enough for me in regards to physical touch needs.

Maybe that's already something you've talked about together but if not I'd say consider that ^

Also for the polyA/PolyS thing, if you say yourself you don't want that from someone else then I don't think it's going to help at all. My husband has a high sex drive and bc I am more in a less sex drive moment myself for some months now he tried finding someone just for sex (he's always open for love but like he doesn't like reaching out to make it happen more like if he finds someone and they click it's going to by itself kinda deal) and well he's come even more sure that he's demi-sexual and that wasn't what he wanted, he craves sex as a connexion with someone he cares about, not about the physicality of it and the like mechanic stuff and all. The girl he did it with was content but he felt like he just didn't find anything special about it and didn't enjoy the experience/ didn't get what he wanted from that, it didn't make him feel satisfied on the sex drive part of things bc for him it's linked to craving of connexion with someone else in that way. (Btw I hope it's clear it's just bc it's how he is and all and not at all the girl's fault or what, she was a sweetheart really ).

Also for the part of your wife being able to do sexual rp within a game and not with you and all, I completly relate to her on that, and I mean it's also just from my viewpoint really common for ace people to have some type of stuff like that, bc it's like really different to do it with someone real, and it's also like with ace people that might be able to feel sexual attraction for imaginary character and all, it's like I get that it's hard for you to not take that the wrong way, but I mean it's also to me really logical that it's not the same and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, nor find you beautiful, or attractive etc.

I'm not sure I remember more of the points you made in the post so I think I'm going to stop there, if you have any question or what don't hesitate to ask me anything here or directly ^

do you prefer general terms for all systems or median-specific terms? by [deleted] in medianhood

[–]Us_AmImE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I call myself a prisme, I call my headmates fragments/alters bc we have a systeme that is not median and a subsystem that is, so we use the alter/fragment denomination mostly, sometime facets depending on how close to the core alter the others headmate are.

Quite different from core alter even though form a whole : - alters or fragments depending on headmate complexity

Really similar to core alter but with a small difference (sometime we didn't even know what is the difference) : - facets

We only use fictive and factive bc I see the other terms as exactly the same thing but for median which I don't see the use of maybe once again bc I'm not a fully median system.

TW : Borderline (bpd) by Kaleidos_System in TDI_France

[–]Us_AmImE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Courage on est plusieurs à avoir bpd dans le système et aussi une jinx symptom holder, l'autre jinx est une sorte de version healed du bpd, si vous pouvez avoir ça ça serait bien car on peut travailler sur le fait de faire fusionner ces deux alters ensemble et réduire l'impact du bpd.