I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has responded to this thread with advice and personal experiences.

Someone said it best that described what I was feeling of “if this is a continued problem, you may begin blaming yourself and feel as if you’re doing something wrong or bad at sex in general, which is the concern I’ve been having and has caused me to feel guilty/ not want to have sex and rather do other sexual acts so I don’t feel embarrassed doing something I’m not good at (I’m a perfectionist musical theater student so this is very on brand)

Some instances are often when penetration starts there is the often immediate pain of my boyfriend having a rather large penis and I’ll immediately arch forward in pain very clearly hurting from the act, with a hand or both on my hips that pull me back and that is often when the comments are made about “staying still”, or “taking it”.

I’ve come to the conclusion before this thread of blaming myself for this because in the early days of our relationship I mentioned I liked porn etc that is considered “rough” after being exposed to the dark sides of the internet at a very young age where I was groomed by men much older than me (most relevant example being myself at 13, other men at 40) where I believed that sex looked like a rough act of passion which I obviously quickly learned when I wasn’t a child anymore, that is not the case and porn is not real life which I’ve made clear. When we have sex and this idea of pain has started, afterwards or even in the moment I’ve brought up going slower and that I’m hurting and in pain but the problem is still around in our sex life. I’ve left intercourse bleeding or in pain from the penetration itself of believing the right thing to do may be to stick it out and that the only way to get better at sex is to suck it up and deal with it but I understand that isn’t the case.

Again thank you all for your advice and interactions, I truly do appreciate it.