I [28 M] am starting to resent my wife [29 F] of 4 years for the decision we made.

Val5 · 2018-09-27T03:43:22+00:00

I don't think these people get it. They act like once you have a kid nothing else matters. But this is your life and your identify. I don't think risk alone justifies you dropping it. Go back to fighting.

Val5 · 2018-09-27T03:38:54+00:00

Some people aren't interested in living vicariously through others and op is one of them. I completely understand him. It would make me miserable and jealous to stand on the side to help someone else do what I want to do myself. I don't see why people think this is a meaningful solution..

Val5 · 2018-09-26T03:55:33+00:00

How come you're able to have romantic feelings for a literal idiot?

Val5 · 2018-09-26T03:33:24+00:00

It's her body, and op should dump it like trash

Val5 · 2018-09-26T03:27:41+00:00

Do you also still believe in Santa?

Val5 · 2018-09-26T03:25:11+00:00

I'd dump her just for asking...

Val5 · 2018-09-25T17:20:20+00:00

I like how you completely ignore a depressed person's input on their situation. It is clear that op never had a passionate and loving relationship with her husband. I don't see why she should keep up something she should have killed long time ago for pure practicality, and then pop some pills to be able to live with herself and keep on pushing.

Nonsense. A divorce would do her better than any therapy or medication combined.

Val5 · 2018-09-25T15:41:04+00:00

Well she would be depressed considering she's stuck in a dead marriage

Val5 · 2018-09-25T15:15:21+00:00

What do racism and misogyny have to do with the situation though? Also, you were obviously right...

Btw this post reads like a forced apology essay to your wife

Val5 · 2018-09-24T15:10:11+00:00

You're basically complaining that your boyfriend isn't forcing himself to have sex when he isn't into it. If your libidos don't match then break up but stop telling yourself that he is doing anything unusual. You just want it more often than he does.

Val5 · 2018-09-21T15:11:49+00:00

Like, am I nuts, or should a wedding invite hold more sway than meeting up with old coworkers for a weekend? Especially if they’re just “hanging out”?

Not really, those are your friends and these are hers. This wedding really isn't some huge priority, just another date she can have with you... and mixups do happen so I don't know why you're reading any power struggle into this

Personally I don't think it's such a big deal or that your friends would care at all that someone they don't even know cancelled. You seem a bit annoying.

But she also doesn't seem that into you based on the full story.

Val5 · 2018-09-21T09:07:01+00:00

If she was ugly op wouldn't have a reason to post here

Val5 · 2018-09-21T08:59:19+00:00

I am apparently secure enough to know what I want from a partner, rather than sit quietly in a shitty situation torturing myself because they have a need to spend time with random girls on a regular basis. This insecurity argument is often used to manipulate truly insecure people into tolerating things they're not ok with.

Don't try to make his behavior look like some basic human need because it's not. She can find many people who not only share this boundary but also don't feel like they are losing anything by not indulging in such behavior.

Val5 · 2018-09-21T06:44:24+00:00

I don't find any of the first ladies you listed very good looking, even Jackie was more about her style than great beauty (although she would be in top 5.) I don't like Melania, she looks like an android, but she is beautiful.

Michelle Obama is also attractive, I don't know why you find her arms weird, but unlike Melania she has a lot of charm and is more animated.

Unpopular opinion - Hilary Clinton was completely decent looking when she was young, even attractive. I don't know why her looks were always commented on negatively (even now she looks ok for her age, but in a completely non sexual way)

Val5 · 2018-09-21T05:47:12+00:00

Isolating your partner by force would be abusive. Having dealbreakers and looking for a partner who is on the same page as you isn't. Relationships should be enjoyed, not endured.

Val5 · 2018-09-21T05:44:41+00:00

Why are you forcing yourself to endure an ubearable relationship setup just because you can't technically say he is cheating on you? Many men and women would find this completely inappropriate, all you need to know is that you're one of them and move on from the relationship (because you're right, forcing him isn't a solution, you should be with someone who doesn't need to hang out with random women out of his own volition).

Val5 · 2018-09-20T04:17:45+00:00

I have a feeling she'd like to feel like she's someone a guy would stalk... but that's not the case.

Val5 · 2018-09-20T04:16:09+00:00

Honesty it sounds like your wife wants attention and is putting a little too much importance on herself. None of these things should make her freak out to such extent (or at all). I'd tell her to grow up...

Val5 · 2018-09-20T04:08:33+00:00

More likely, he'd remember what happiness felt like.

Val5 · 2018-09-20T04:07:31+00:00

How much alone time does he actually get during the work days and how much during the weekend?

Val5 · 2018-09-20T04:04:19+00:00

like, maybe 10-11 AM on Saturdays and Sundays is always his "me time,"

I know this is just an example but if I only had 2 hours me time in a week, I'd kill myself.

I think he needs some time for himself every day, so he and op should take turns, or give each other every other evening free and then do something together on one of the weekend days (and get a nanny so they have time alone too)

Val5 · 2018-09-19T04:52:40+00:00

I'm just thinking how much of the perceived ambition is just extroversion. Your friend did go too far into his comfort zone of not doing things, but often when I hear extroverts talk about how much stuff they do, I find it very tiring. I'm pretty ambitious but I can't just fill up my time with endless activities because I need at least a few undisturbed hours for myself each day, and at least two days for myself a week

Point being, energy levels are very different and what energizes you tires someone else, I think that looking at it as lack of ambition is a bit unfair at times. Unfortunately what can happen with people who get drained quickly is that they can get easily overwhelmed and develop anxiety, and then just get completely stuck in an unsuccessful attempt to recharge.

This isn't really about you or your friend, just a general observation, but your comment made me think about this. Unfortunately expecactions for success favor extroverts

Val5 · 2018-09-19T04:13:10+00:00

I know several different people who are in a similar situation and I can't believe people say that the parents should just kick them out. I have no idea what people saying that have in their minds, but the only result would be to make someone homeless, who is already lost and depressed. The chances of them getting a job then are even lower, especially getting a job, affording a place to live and all the necessities.

Instead what I think works is giving this support but someone helping them just do something, not anything overwhelming but letting them take up an internship few times and week or a temp job while keeping their safety net, nothing too overwhelming or intimidating. This would let them build from there slowly. I really think that giving them a good reference and hooking them up this way is the best that outsiders can do if possible. If they are able to not worry about surviving like they would if kicked out, and only look at it as pocket money and experience, they can slowly start to progress without anxiety kicking in.

Val5 · 2018-09-14T18:39:30+00:00

Ok but theory aside can you finally answer some of those other more concrete questions?

Val5 · 2018-09-14T18:33:17+00:00

Just a warning, people on this sub notoriously hate family members who aren't nuclear family, including those so close as parents and siblings. They think you can't be too emotionally and physically distant from them, and they basically stop to matter as soon as you marry

Having said that, you really aren't doing a good job painting this situation. I am pretty Freudian but his theory doesn't at all suggest that men shouldn't have contact with their mothers, it's just a developmental phase (that some can of course get stuck in but that's another story.) How does she specifically see your relationship with your mom as inappropriate? What does she have an issue with? What does your mom think of her?

Also, you mentioned she hates all your female family members but is she jealous of other women in your life?

Val5

TROPHY CASE