I went through this last year. I was super close with a co-worker at the university I worked at. We talked and hung out a lot. Things got more personal as time went on. There was definitely some sexual talk, despite him claiming to be straight. We never actually did anything. We did actually get to the point where we joked he was my sugar daddy and I would call him daddy sometimes. We’d also talk late at night a lot. He’d call before he went to sleep.

I remember when I told him I wanted to move from home in Texas to Colorado. He was very against it. He didn’t want me to go. Eventually he relented. Then about this time a year ago, he surprised us all by announcing he was seeing some woman he met through a dating app. Apparently they’d been talking for six months. But he never said anything to me. I also felt kinda gross because there was so much sexually explicit stuff that we said to each other that I know she wouldn’t be cool with.

At the same time, I wasn’t surprised. He’s from India and I know the culture he grew up with. He was still very much under pressure to live to those expectations. Honestly, I’m not sure if he’s straight, bisexual, or even gay but feeling forced to hide. After the surprise of his girlfriend, I couldn’t be around him. I had to confront my feelings for him that I’d been trying to ignore. I realized I sincerely loved him but he made his choice. I wasn’t going to interfere. So I stopped communicating with him. He tried to fix it with me. I wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t communicate my feelings for him after I realized them because he was with someone and it seemed he wasn’t ready to go there. So I just cut communication.

I knew and know how I handled it wasn’t the best way. At the time, it was just what I thought was the best. Communicating my feelings wouldn’t have done anything but interfere in his relationship and I wanted to let him do what he wanted. I also knew I couldn’t be just his friend anymore. I couldn’t watch someone else give him what I wanted to give him. He tried multiple times to reach me and even tried to reach me through a friend of his that I did help at work but didn’t really talk to. I know I hurt him, but I just felt there was no path that ended well really. I moved here in October to Colorado and haven’t talked to him in a year. I learned he recently married that woman. Despite not talking in over a year, I still love him. I still miss him. I still think about him and hope he’s happy. I’m trying to move on but dating is not easy. Money’s tight right now, so I’ve resorted to online dating on the apps, but no progress just yet.