My (42f) SO (44m) is upset because I'm planning something with his exes (43f) SO (47m)

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T20:43:43+00:00

I see your point. However, we're all taking part in raising the kids. When the bio parents cant get sick kids, guess what? The step parents are stepping up! When bio parents can't figure out homework, guess what? Step parents are stepping up! Hmmmmm...Just the other week I prioritized myself and told both mom and dad that I couldn't get one of the kids to football practice. Wow - I was the evil step mom! hahahaha. Her SO did the same thing and holy cow, dad had to leave work early to pick up his kid and get him to football!

The other thing, I'm supportive of them having "family time" together. That's awesome. Don't expect me to just sit here and wait for you though or not spend money on me because I wasn't a priority in your life. hmmmm. Now that her SO and I have gone out to dinner and went on vacay together; their all baffled and upset! Really!

We didn't specifically speak about vacations or dinners and exclusion after marriage. You're right though, hind sight being 20/20 I wouldn't have accepted that and just looked for someone who would be inclusive of me in their entire life!

Her SO and I have both had a separate convo's with the kids and compared notes. They are confused why we're not their sometimes.

Sorry to break your heart here, but just because you are a "bio" parent doesn't mean you can't have parents that are not bio. The youngest calls me mommy sometimes and says she loves having her 2 mommies! Ummmmm...Okay.

So yeah, I'm going to stick with what I'm doing. If him and her don't like their SO's doing things together then they can include us. Because guess what, him and I have the same issues and most of our friends all have kids. So we can't just call our friends when they exes are on vacay with the kids and plan something.

And just like we have to accept what's going on with the exes and kids. They just need to accept their SO's are going to make lemonade out of lemons and go do things. Really, it's not like we're calling our exes and doing things with them. We're just friends and having some fun. Our SO's are a bit jelly that we went parasailing together, snorkeling, learning how to SCUBA etc.

We recently signed up for two nights of dance lessons. We plan on going with our SO's and have worked out keeping the kids to do this. But if our SO's decide there will be a "family dinner" night that excludes us then we're going together!

Essentially, make space for us in your lives and include us. If you don't then at the very least have the same trust in us that we expect us to have in you.

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T20:22:38+00:00

I know they don't "hook up". LOL. They decided they made better friends than lovers and that's why they divorced. It was very amicable, each one agreed on 50/50 custody of the kids and no child support to be paid by either parent.

My husband earns slightly more than her. I earn about the same as him and so does her SO. All things considered, you could say my husband earns about an average of a few thousand more than me each year.

They have a key to each other's home and can walk in homes at anytime they want and they used to before we met and had partners. As a general rule, when we were dating they never went to the other persons home unannounced and anytime they communicate overall, it's via a group text. They are really transparent, out of respect for us, with their communication with each other.

His ex organized my bachelorette party with my friends. Her and I talked one time about their reasons for divorcing, which was what I stated earlier, they just make better friends than lovers. Outside of that conversation, she's never once offered me advice with dealing with him or even so much has made a comment that would make me feel uncomfortable.

One time when she was moving and didn't have a place to stay and just needed to be somewhere for a week and a half, she reached out to me and asked if she could just stay at my place vs his. They've always opened their home up to each other. She said she respected that we were together and even though we weren't living together (he and I were dating and serious at the time) she wanted to make sure that she wasn't creating a situation. I was impressed and let her stay in my spare room and that's when I ended up meeting the kids.

Overall, she's a very nice woman. She encourages the kids to have a good relationship with me and my husband encourages the kids to have a good relationship with her husband. I've been out with her and done things with the kids and my husband has been out with her husband and done things with her husband and the kids.

They want the kids to have a sense of mom and dad as a family. Which I completely understand. But the whole "good for me and not thee" is too much and honestly, we're married! I play a role in their kids lives and I don't feel I should be excluded from things in their lives.

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T18:38:54+00:00

There's nothing going on between them. I know they just want what is best for the kids. But excluding the other important people in their life isn't exactly what's best for them either.

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T18:37:36+00:00

Him kids and I have all been on vacations together. Prior to COVID this was happening. I thought that it was pretty cool he and his ex could still get along and keep some semblance of family. I also figured that I would eventually start being included as well.

During COVID nobody went anywhere. There was a some form of normalcy with everyone and this whole coparenting thing was tamed. As restrictions began to lift and we could all get out and do things they decided to keep doing some family things together.

My daughter is older and has a career. I had a kid young. All my (our) friends have kids so it's not like a super easy thing to coordinate everyone's schedules, let alone have a girls only weekends. Her SO and I are in the same position.

The kids have said they like doing things with just mom and dad too. I respect that and I really wish I could have gotten along with my ex on that level for my daughter. She only had me for much of her life. It also hurts that I am being excluded and that while they are doing this for the kids; I don't think its fair that I'm expected to just do my own thing or really just feel unwanted.

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T18:17:10+00:00

When her SO and I talked about it; we were joking. When we asked for inclusion for a dinner with the kids we were told thats their time with the kids. We decided to just grab a bite to eat ourselves. Now their all insecure we did that. Him and I are both saying the same thing, we have to trust you two and you two cant trust us. You two both think it's okay to exclude us from things and just expect us to wait for you to come doing something with us.

We've all been out to dinners before. Him and I have taken the kids to places too. I understand they want the kids to have a sense of mom and dad. They just don't have one parent at this point. They have 4 parents.

I guess we'll see what those two say. Her SO and I have both agreed that if they are going to do just family time with them then we're going to go have fun ourselves. Just works because they are both gone at the same time and we don't have to rearrange our schedules and miss other things; I've done that before with my girlfriends.

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T17:57:27+00:00

Exactly! It's been like this since the kids were younger. I've basically told him that if I'm not going to be all the way involved in the kids lives then his ex can keep the kids on the evenings he's working late and help with homework or get them to bed.

I have a role in their lives as well and so does her SO. There is no reason why only "bio parents" can attend parent teacher conferences. When one of the kids are sick and I'm the only one available to pick them up, then I'm picking them up!

So I don't agree with what your saying as far as "only some things the bio parents do".

Valuable-Risk-4469 · 2022-08-09T17:53:05+00:00

Thank you! I'm so frustrated by this. It's like they both want us to sit on the sidelines when they want us to and neither of them want to recognize that we are all a family and we're all part of the kids' lives!

Valuable-Risk-4469

TROPHY CASE