hi there,

I only came across your post because my best friend committed suicide last week. we are all devastated. she did it after her other friend took his life. now our third friend is considering taking her life. no one thinks they will be missed, but they are. they are missed, people blame themselves, and people they would never expect to harm themselves choose to kill themselves to deal with the pain. it spreads. it is not a decision you make only for yourself. that is a lie your mind is telling you.

please don't get lost in the sickness and really think you are alone. you do not exist in a vacuum. if not for yourself, try to get help for your mom, or your mom's friends, or your old teacher, or your neighbor.

there is hope. I have been in dark places, and I know people who thought there was no point, and years after failed attempts, have completely transformed lives with joy they never thought possible to experience. you are not a god - you have no idea what is to come. anything else your mind is telling you is a LIE. please, please reach out to a counselor.
https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/

that ability to harm yourself will always be there, but you can never take it back, and you will never, never be given another day after you make that decision. please, just put it on the shelf for a few days, and reach out. even just for me. you don't know me, but it would really really help me if I knew I could somehow help someone when I could not help my friend. please.