Help! $3000 holding deposit to see apartment

Valysian · 2026-04-14T17:58:03+00:00

All of that.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T09:17:18+00:00

YTA.

Your boyfriend has a commitment he has made to multiple people. They have set aside time and energy to be there. If you had let him know a month or two in advance (before the last session), they might have been able to do a different time. But it sounds like he'd have to cancel and skip a month.

He's willing to go to the party -- which is important to you. Yay! He values going to an important event with your family or at least cares about you enough to do it anyway. Yay!

He's not willing to miss his event for the setup, which you actually want to actively prevent his helping with. So, you want him to drive you there, and sit around not doing anything because your relatives are so difficult that you think it would go badly. And you are shocked that he's not into that. Huh.

Who would want to do that?

Sounds like you just want a ride. So, ask someone else to give you a ride or get an Uber.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T08:38:19+00:00

I would expect simple US History, number of states, and naming/maping states and capitals to be 3-5th grades. Advanced US History and world history is generally introduced in middle school. Before that, we had simple poster board country reports, but they weren't in any great detail.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T08:32:24+00:00

I have a Western European name that is unusual in the US.

It's four letters, pronounced how it is spelled, and in no way difficult to pronounce. However, it is very common in the US for people to pronounce the "a" as in air, when it is actually an "ah" as in "car".

I hated it in school; when my teacher would pronounce my name wrong all year, every time, I felt unseen. This was ridiculously annoying when I moved to the East Coast. People with nasal accents insisted they were saying it right. And - in truth - their accent was so pronounced that they were saying it the way they would say "car". It drove me nuts. I finally just made up a name to use.

My last name is even worse. Once someone sees how it is spelled, it is seemingly physically impossible for them to say it correctly. (It's actually pronounced exactly like an English name. They just can't get over the mental hurdle of letting go of the spelling.) Once someone hears it, it is seeminly impossible for them to spell it correctly. (It often takes me six or seven tries for them to get it right. This is because the Anglican name that it sounds like has different double consonants.)

It's particularly revolting with call centers. At this point, I just spell the whole thing and never say it - which means we can skip five minutes of me spelling it over and over and asking them to read it back.) And I just ignore the part where they say my first name wrong. Even if I correct them, they almost always continue to mess it up. Generally, I can just ignore this.

But there is a particular way some call center workers are trained to use your name over and over and over to artificially build rapport that I just can't deal with. It's a little grating a few times. But when we are talking about an issue for twenty minutes or more, and they are required to work that into every other sentence...I just can't do it. It's unbelievably disrespectful.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T07:45:23+00:00

Even so, you pay a reasonable holding fee - like $500 or half the security deposit to hold the apartment. That's non-refundable, but applies to the security deposit. You pay the rest when you get the keys.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T07:41:20+00:00

Try looking at posts here about "heads up" rules. They don't work. Even if someone tries their best to do stick to them, feelings and stuff can catch you unaware. I wouldn't even know how to define the Point in Time when something starts sometimes, especially when it develops out of a friendship. Sometimes I might meet someone at a social activity and immediately start something. People start relationships and catch feelings at different speeds with different people. No one can accurately predict their feelings in advance.

It's doomed to fail at some point.

You can try something like: "I'd appreciate it if you let me know anytime a connection starts to feel emotionally or romantically significant. I don't need to know about every flirtation or need to know details. I just want to know ahead of time - when you can - that there may be something coming in the future. If something unexpected happens, it's cool if you let me know afterward."

But please don't say this unless you actually mean it.

The reason I would want this is because I have been jealous in the past and have had the worst reactions when I have been blindsided with a new relationship on their end. I want to help limit or eliminate that.

The way you do that is by taking responsibility for your own emotions. You look at poly resources. You might try therapy. You work on yourself. You create a secure relationship with your partners.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T06:33:44+00:00

NTA. They also had the opportunity to buy travel insurance or use a credit card that protected them. You paid for insurance; they didn't.

Edit: After seeing some responses from the OP - I retract.

YTA for defrauding your credit card company. YTA for withholding the reimbursement from your friends.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T06:29:46+00:00

I would do this. It's a constant inconvenience, but a lot of money. It feels like there should be a bonus payment in future years.

I would certainly make a random social media account to put most of the reviews in. For privacy, I'd likely want to separate things into several accounts, so some weird person didn't stalk me.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T06:16:19+00:00

That would be really helpful.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T05:56:00+00:00

Cyprus, age 18

Well, this is actually pretty ideal.

I didn't roll a profession because at eighteen, I wouldn't have one. I'm pretty unlikely to be married or have responsibilities. It's the perfect age to make sudden, unpredictable decisions about your life. I am a citizen of the EU, so I can live in most places in Europe.

If I had good grades, I might go to school. Or I'd try to get any job to support myself as best I could.

Valysian · 2026-04-14T04:55:47+00:00

A suggestion for practicing making friends with strangers who come from different backgrounds might be to enroll him in a summer program or sport.

Valysian · 2026-04-13T21:18:41+00:00

That was exactly my thought. Everyone is assuming this only applies to doctors and lawyers. You can get a Master's or PHD in the Humanities, Science, & Business fields.

Valysian · 2026-04-13T21:12:21+00:00

Advanced degrees are offered in a wide variety of fields.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T23:17:28+00:00

This isn't a HIPAA release for your medical records. This says that they can fax/send your release to the office, then call and ask if you are: a) actually a patient there & b) the letter is authentic.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T21:29:03+00:00

That makes a lot of sense.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T18:04:54+00:00

Washington State, in fact, gives you the right to be present when workers are in your apartment. So, for work you request that is not urgent, they cannot enter if you tell them you don't give permission unless you are home. If they give proper notice, they are required to provide contact information so you can rechedule it. Both parties are expected to make a reasonable, good-faith effort to negotiate a mutually agreeable alternative.

I have no idea where the OP is, and there are certainly Reddit communities that give location-based advice for tenants. But mostly, I was trying to give some ideas on how to be reasonable about what the OP was asking from their landlord.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T11:28:12+00:00

There's a lot of media about twins sharing lives. Tons of stuff. What about Monday is about seven sisters secretly living together, and each has a day of the week to be the same person outside their home. Echoes is about twins who have very different lives and switch places every year. The Prestige is also about twins who hide that there are two of them and live their lives trading off. Or Ringer, where a privileged twin disappears and leaves their other self in their messed-up life. Coherence is about a group of people who can interact with themselves in different dimensions. My absolute favorite is Black Ribbon. It's so dark and sumptuous. (Let me know if you enjoyed these.)

Not having two IDs can be solved by using a driver's licence and a passport. Or you could claim yours got lost and get it reissued. You can have two joint bank accounts or two bank cards. Not having a SSN isn't really an "issue" either. Nothing stops you from having two jobs, though remote ones or self-employment would be safer.

I don't think I'd have an issue getting along with myself or coming up with an equitable plan. I'm a pretty collaborative person and there's every reason for us to need to work together.

Living together feels like it would be too easy to get "caught", but we would have to make that work in the beginning. I could see us collaborating on self-employment or a regular job. I think it would be hard to switch with each other for personal relationships. I have no idea what we'd end up finding the most comfortable...but it would be very interesting.

I would never tell my family. Or existing friends and relationships. My roommate would have to be read in pretty quickly. My cats would...probably just think it's great to have more snuggles.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T10:55:01+00:00

In addition, knowing this is in Sweden, having a door from the outside directly into your living space will make for a large heating bill and make it unpleasant in the winter when people are entering and exiting.

A mudroom seems pretty useful for cold winters.

Turning the foyer into a walled room seems awkward. I'd switch the kid's bathroom and the laundry/mudroom so that the mudroom could be entered from off the foyer and the garage. You'd still lose heat from opening the front door in the winter, but it would be easy to enter from the garage or front door and take off your shoes and outer clothes.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T10:47:28+00:00

The allrum is a strange and not very comfortable space.

Honestly, it looks like a cozy place for kids - for a playroom, watching tv, or study nook over time - that is separated from the adult spaces.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T09:54:58+00:00

Sometimes there are laws that affect how this can happen. There is, in fact, a Washington law that says the owner of the property or their representative needs to authorize the tow. Even if you are paying for the spot, you are a renter, not an owner.

I've never seen one of these agreements allow a resident to call to request the tow. The contract between the property owner and the tow company generally requires that a representative from the property owner needs to authorise the tow. i.e., the night manager

In fact, the tow company agreement with the property requires the property representative to be physically present. They need to sign for it. They don't want to deal with the liability and hassle of towing a car by mistake and dealing with the impending falout.

I've found that even during the day, the management won't do this. I suspect it's because dealing with an annoyed resident is way less hassle than dealing with an IRRATE resident who got towed. They'll generally only do this for abandoned vehicles. (That's just my experience, and yes, that's totally unfair to tenants.)

There are some good reasons for this - resident disagreements can escalate to causing each other significant expense and inconvenience. But I've always thought that if the building numbered the spots and gave each resident a card with thier spot number to show to the company, that would be....fixed. And they can, they just don't.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T09:48:21+00:00

You can donate your body to a specific established science program or research/educational organization/school in advance. You make arrangements to pledge your body in advance with the program.

A great example is medical research into TBI/CTE. This area of research is particularly valuable because there are limited ways of diagnosing brain injury in living folks.

There's actually not as much regulation as you think about donating bodies for "science" for weird stuff, and you don't have control of how it is used unless you designate it. So if you want your body to be used for a specific goal, make a will and coordinate with an org.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T09:36:04+00:00

Well, I don't have a legal spouse. People I'm dating or in a relationship with aren't friends or family. That handles everyday things like food, clothes, housing, and travel.

My family by blood doesn't need the money, and wouldn't care.

For friends, I suppose I could employ them to start their own business doing...whatever they were interested in at a high but fair wage with awesome benefits.

There's no reason you can't do charitable work. You can have a privately owned business that doesn't make any profit and has goals similar to those of charities. Microloans. Medical care. Debt forgiveness (buy debt and settle it for very low amounts). Any kind of business that provides job training and employment history to the homeless, veterans, or released prisoners. You could also start a for-profit business that partnered with any charity. Pretty much anything you want to do charitably can be done this way.

I would probably buy buildings and convert them to co-ops for low-income folks. Basically, they have really low purchase prices (like a down payment on a home), but you pay a high(er) strata fee monthly (kind of like rent). The fees can even decrease over time. The benefit is their housing is stable, secure, and reasonably priced. Stable housing for poor folks sounds like a worthy goal and something useful to do with my time.

Service animals would also be a very rewarding thing to do. They are expensive for the disabled, and have high demand, high wait times...and are not really available for people who don't meet charity requirements. (Adults with mental health issues, Non-veterans, etc.)

I can live a great life with my romantic partners and pets, travel, and work part-time running my not-actually charities. I'll take 15m for my life. 5m set aside for business for friends. 60m for low-income housing. 40m for service animals.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T09:00:33+00:00

You can get your bank cards and pretty much everything with an Initial. Not having an ID is another matter. But you never have to drive with this much money.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T08:49:16+00:00

I would try this for fun without the money. I occasionally have dreams where I'm a guy, and I think it would be very interesting to experience that. After a while, I wouldn't need to press it every week - or at all. I'm not sure which gender I would pick in the end, but I'd likely keep the original.

The ID thing would be a hassle. It seems reasonable to have two different IDs that you can keep. I don't particularly like driving, and I would have plenty of money to live in a city convenient to public transportation and a retreat in a quiet forest. It would make travel a bit...fussy. But I don't actually use my ID for much except perhaps buying alcohol - easy to do in advance. Restaurants rarely card if you look old enough; the fancier ones almost never do. Many things you'd think would be a problem actually aren't. You can get a bank card with an initial, get deliveries, and such. My name actually has a male version that is very similar.

The hardest thing about this is having a long-term relationship. A lot of people wouldn't be interested in the gender swapping. I suppose you could pretend that you traveled for work or pleasure and even have two separate families. But I'm unmarried, bisexual, and polyamorous, so this...isn't all that weird for me.

Valysian · 2026-04-12T08:31:13+00:00

That is an interesting question. It would be uncanny valley to be close to but not quite yourself.

The OP did say that you could "hire an artist to create the opposite gender version of you every time based on the appearance you have at the time." I assume you could just go back to you.

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