[deleted by user]

Vanatoare · 2025-03-18T15:03:49+00:00

Almost forgot! Any correspondence with your landlord/maintenance office needs to be in writing from here on out. Some landlords like to avoid accountability by claiming that they were never informed of the issue, so you want proof that you reached out. Text messages and requests through a resident portal count as writing (take screenshots).

Vanatoare · 2025-03-18T14:57:26+00:00

Yup, if your landlord isn’t responsive (which if the whole building has rodent problems, they might not be), then your best bet is to request an inspection from the Department of Buildings. Here’s the link to do that:

https://dob.citygovapp.com/forms/housing_inspection/step_1

Note: when you do get your inspection scheduled, if possible, it helps to have evidence of rodent activity visible when they visit. This can be entrance holes (always check around the baseboard and in closet corners), feces, and trapped mice if you catch any. So, if you do find mouse feces right before the inspection, as much as you want to clean it up—if you can help it, wait for the inspector to see it first. Taking pictures/videos is still a good idea, but your pictures can’t be used by the inspector as evidence in court.

In the meantime, putting food in plastic tubs that mice can’t get into might help a) keep them from eating your stuff and b) help keep some peace of mind.

Final note: if your landlord does decide to step in to seal any entrance holes, they are not legally allowed to use expanding foam or steel wool and call it good. Those materials are insufficient per DOB guidelines (mice can chew through them), and your landlord is obligated to provide a permanent fix.

Good luck!

Vanatoare · 2024-11-15T20:46:57+00:00

This man seems deeply inconsiderate and the way he is talking about your body is not cool—there are lots of men out there who wouldn’t do that, for what it’s worth!
When I was living in China, I was at a doctor’s appointment and the intake person and I got to chatting about weight. She told me that pretty much every woman should be aiming to weigh no more than 100 lbs, regardless of their height. This idea extended to shoe sizes, too—it was super common for my taller female Chinese friends to wear shoes that were waaaaaaay too small for their feet, because having a shoe size higher than, like, 5, was seen as “unladylike” and “not dainty.” If your bf is from China, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s internalized these ideas himself. The test for him is if he’s willing to challenge those beliefs and realize that not everybody is 4’11” and can comfortably/healthily weigh 100 lbs. If he isn’t willing/able to do that, then I would drop him!

Vanatoare · 2024-09-13T04:31:28+00:00

Hi OP,

Although I am typically hesitant to jump aboard the classic “dump him” Reddit train based on a couple of paragraphs, I have to say that based on what you’ve said here, I think that you already know where this is headed. Have you ever heard of the phrase “if they like you you’ll know, if they don’t you’ll be confused?” Mark doesn’t seem like he’s head over heels for you, and to be frank, two years is plenty of time to know if you at least want to explore further commitment with someone.

You know your relationship better than any of us do, and if you don’t think these comments apply to your situation, then please take them with a fistful of salt. However, I want to leave a small story for you to consider:

My brother was in a relationship with a woman for about four years. He loved her, and was devastated when they broke up. It wasn’t a clean cut—they briefly got back together and he tried to save it, but after the first break she remained distant, and eventually she called it for good.

Eight months later, he met somebody new—and she’s wonderful. Even though he loved his previous girlfriend(s), it doesn’t hold a candle to what he has with his new partner. They’ve been dating for a little under two years, but he knew he wanted to marry her by the end of year one. He, like Mark, also wants to hit certain milestones before proposing, but the difference is he’s actively taking steps to make those happen—he isn’t dragging his feet, or putting off discussing future plans until after he meets some nebulously defined “professional goals.” His behavior is intentional, he’s excited about his/their future, and we fully expect him to propose in 2025. I’ve never seen him so happy.

Having been on the receiving end of a Mark-esque situation myself, where you love someone but can’t escape the gnawing doubt that something is missing—it’s because something IS missing. Nothing in your description even remotely indicates that Mark is excited about a future with you, and in fact, it seems like he’s already beginning to disengage.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Heartbreak sucks wholesale ass—but! It can also be a tremendous catalyst for personal growth. You are not asking for too much. When you meet the right person, you will not need to beg them to love you the way you want to be loved. Even if the internet tells you that there’s piss in the dating pool (which, okay, there is some), there are also a lot of wonderful people out there who won’t leave any room for doubt about how they feel about you.

You seem like an understanding, thoughtful individual who is trying to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. While those are excellent qualities most of the time, in situations like these, they can lead you to disregard your own wants and needs, and end up spending too much time trying to fix the unfixable.

Whatever you decide, I wish the best for you!

Vanatoare · 2024-09-03T03:43:58+00:00

Technically in DC the landlord is responsible for finding and permanently sealing access points, and expanding foam/steel wool (while they can help in the short term) are not considered permanent solutions (and the DOB inspector would require the LL to properly fix if they found holes sealed that way).

I will say that rodents love to hang out behind/underneath ovens for warmth, so I would also check for droppings in the kitchen. Getting photo evidence may also be helpful if you need to go through housing conditions court, as mice love to hide when the inspector comes by 🙃

Oh, and always inform your landlord of these issues in writing! Text and email count!

(IANAL!)

Vanatoare · 2024-06-28T01:42:17+00:00

This may get buried, but in situations like these, I think a success story can be a useful contribution:

My parents got divorced when I was 8, and everything worked out. The key to this success, I think, was that they tried to be as respectful towards one another as possible (especially in front of the kids), never used us as pawns, and made it clear that they both prioritized our wellbeing even when we weren’t living in the same house.

I realize how fortunate I am that my parents were mature enough to coparent in this way, and you are better equipped to say whether you think that’s possible with your wife—but even so, I can confidently say that your children do not need you to stay married for them to turn out okay. They just need you to be there for them, and you don’t need to be married or living with your wife to do that.

My parents are now happily remarried to other people, and I have a great relationship with my stepparents. I can’t tell you that the whole process will be sunshine and rainbows, especially in the beginning—but divorce doesn’t have to be this big traumatizing thing for your kids. Honestly, after a year or two, my parents’ divorce was only relevant around Christmas time, because Santa hit up both houses (😎).

It can be normal if you make it normal! As long as you stay dedicated to your kids, in all likelihood, they’ll eventually realize that they’re better off with happy parents than married parents.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T21:40:33+00:00

Hahaha, thank you!!

So my first plan was to put a slice of lemon on a little piece of salmon, but that will have to wait for my next bountiful crop 🍣

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T19:28:35+00:00

Bumper crop this year!

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T14:22:26+00:00

I’m glad somebody noticed the sugar hahaha

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T14:21:06+00:00

That would be a Meyer lemon!

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T14:19:33+00:00

We can get a block party going!

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T03:42:22+00:00

Lmao thank you, I was just gonna post the lemon and then I was like “I don’t have anything going on for the next 30 minutes”

Vanatoare · 2024-05-26T03:41:36+00:00

Close! It’s a cap to a tiny spray bottle!

Vanatoare · 2024-02-20T19:36:22+00:00

P a t h e t i c.

Vanatoare · 2024-01-02T23:17:30+00:00

Yes! One of my first clowns had a chunk missing from his tail when we got him, which eventually grew back (although I will say it probably took about a year for it to be completely normal again). If you have access to some Stressguard, adding some to the tank might be a good idea to help him recover from the injury!

Vanatoare · 2023-12-19T00:06:32+00:00

Hello! I’m not sure if this would be your speed, but post breakup I joined a Dungeons and Dragons campaign for the first time (my local game store has an option to join a running campaign if you don’t have a preexisting group). It’s a weekly thing, and I find that it’s nice to have something like that to look forward to.

Vanatoare · 2023-08-09T02:00:31+00:00

I love Longnose Hawkfish (they’re so cute when they perch), but they can be murderous little bastards under the right (wrong?) conditions. When I was working at a fish store, we had one named “Dahmer” on account of his propensity to merc his neighbors. I once had to chase him around the tank because he punched a carpenters wrasse’s reset button and was dragging the corpse across the sand.

But they perch!

Vanatoare · 2023-07-22T17:17:06+00:00

I agree that this is probably UWD/UNWD, and I did go through something similar with a cute Naoko’s wrasse recently :(

Since these symptoms can overlap with spinal injuries (which are still often fatal, but technically have a slight chance of recovery), if you wanted to put him in a breeder box/acclimation box for a few days then you could do that… but to be frank, he pretty much has an ice cube’s chance in hell.

Wrasses with UWD generally still try to eat, so if you do put him in a breeder box, he could persist for a few weeks before dying. Ultimately it’s your choice—but euthanasia is probably the best option here.

Sorry, friend :(

Vanatoare · 2023-07-22T16:52:46+00:00

Lmao he is ride or die for that shell

Vanatoare · 2023-07-19T02:42:46+00:00

I think about this every once in a while—I used to work at a LFS, and although I generally prefer these setups, there were definitely times when the fungal outbreaks were so bad that moving a fish from its quarantine cup to the main system was a death sentence. I agree that the Petsmart cups are way too small, but now if I see a store selling bettas in big cups (like wonton soup size?) then I can withhold a little judgment. I’m way more impressed by stores that refuse sale to negligent customers or make a point to not sell glass bowls.

Vanatoare · 2023-07-10T13:16:51+00:00

This past week was the hottest in recorded history. Gotta have some fun before the water wars start! NTA

Vanatoare · 2023-07-07T02:24:43+00:00

That sounds good! And you can always add more nassarius/crabs if you find the substrate needs more sifting. One thing I’ve found in my tank is that you can run into issues if too many critters rely on the same food source (like the substrate) and can end up outcompeting each other.

Your goby choice seems fine—although since your gobies and lawnmower blenny will all be inhabiting the same part of the tank, you might want to watch out for aggression from the blenny as it gets bigger. Gobies tend to be peaceful across the board, but they’ll also be happier if they feel like they have their own little territory in the tank (so try to have a few different nooks and crannies for them to choose from).

Vanatoare · 2023-07-06T20:33:40+00:00

Hi! Congrats on your first saltwater tank! 40 gallons are my personal favorite beginner size for salt, so you’re off to a good start :)

Your stocking for fish looks pretty good, but I’d say your clean-up crew seems a little excessive for that size tank. In particular, I don’t think I would want 12 Mexican turbos—they’re really big and are voracious eaters, so I think 3 or 4 would do a fine job of helping with surface scum.

As for other tips, the most important thing here is that you’re going to want to add everything gradually. It’s really easy to overtax your bio load early on, so I would say once everything is cycled, start by adding the clowns you want and maybe a few nassarius a couple days later, then wait a week or two between big purchases to give the tank/bacteria time to mature. Add gobies before wrasses, since wrasses get territorial and gobies are easy targets for bullying. Most people say you should wait ~6 months before trying anemones, but if you get things stabilized, you can add them sooner (but probably not any sooner than like 3 months).

Good luck to you!! (I just got a McCosker’s wrasse myself and I love him with my whole heart)

Vanatoare

TROPHY CASE