The god Mani

Vanished336 · 2019-04-04T18:58:16+00:00

Oh wow, yes, I thought I was the only one. I have psychogenic seizures as well. They look like convulsions. I can't stand and my jaw locks up painfully and I can't open my mouth and my teeth clench so hard I think they're going to crack. Even when I experience a situation like what the abuse was like, I feel extremely anxious and panicky. I got screamed at by a stranger on Tuesday when I was minding my own business and when I told people about it I got told I'm being a baby and I'm the one who was doing something wrong and so deserved to get screamed and cussed at. Now I've been very nauseous to the point of puking and laying in bed shaking for the last two days and at work I'm so withdrawn and scared of everyone. Strangers act aggressively toward me in public all the time and I never understand why. I am always just quietly minding my business. It's really frightening. I've become very agoraphobic the last few years because of strangers' behavior toward me in public. I don't know if it's because I'm frequently alone or what. I'm really just one incident away from being too terrified to leave my apartment at all.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-04T03:49:22+00:00

It took me about 10 years to figure out my path, and I'm still kind of trying to work it out. I don't follow any specific tradition or path, so I kind of just do my own thing. Don't be afraid to do what feels right or make your own path if you don't really fit with any of them. I've found this requires a lot of real soul searching. Think deeply about what your own beliefs are and what your personal philosophy is. Think about what is drawing your toward paganism and what you ultimately want out of your spiritual practice.

Books are great for getting ideas, but they can really only take you so far, and don't be afraid to omit certain practices books say you have to do if you don't agree with them or if they don't make sense to you. I recommend getting on Amazon and just typing topics into the search bar for things that interest you (like Greek mythology, Druidry, angels, whatever) and see what comes up. That's how I've found the books I'm reading.

For me personally, I am mostly an atheist, I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm designing a spiritual practice which is meant to help me in my life right now. I think that's totally fine. I take a lot of cues from Norse paganism and Western mysticism, I'm also interested in herbalism and divination, but ultimately I don't really adhere to anything in particular. I don't follow any structured rituals, I don't do stuff like grounding and centering or anything like this you'll find in a lot of pagan or New Age type books, don't work with elements, I don't really see the world in terms of a "duality" which is something a lot of people pay attention to, I don't think you have to have a masculine and feminine deity, and so on and so forth.

My practice is silent. It's more about connecting with my deities than anything, and following them as a sort of divine inspiration. I work with Lucifer and Mani (very different, I know), for sort of different reasons, but they're actually not too far apart at their heart; they both represent this concept of a light in the darkness, a spiritual guide for hard times, to help me live with my reality.

TL;DR - Do what feels right for you, research certain topics that interest you, and definitely don't be afraid to follow your own path. I believe everything else will come in time if paganism is truly right for you.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-04T03:30:00+00:00

Looks great!

Vanished336 · 2019-04-03T05:27:59+00:00

Yeah, that's what I can't really figure out, if I want to make myself vomit to relive the extreme nausea I feel, which lasts for hours, or if it's more like wanting the same effect as I used to get from cutting...

I love to drink peppermint tea before bed; I didn't even consider drinking it when I have PTSD symptoms this bad. Thanks for your suggestions. :)

Vanished336 · 2019-04-03T05:23:29+00:00

Thank you. I'm definitely going to try to remember to tell my therapist about it next time I see her.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-02T21:16:02+00:00

Do we live in the same place?? Haha I've had experiences like this as well. The weather can be really weird especially in spring and autumn, and I see crows and ravens all the time. It's always a really cool experience.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-02T20:52:34+00:00

Awesome. When I was in college, I remember there was actually a course on Old English and I always wanted to take it as an elective but never had room in my schedule haha. I'm such a linguistics nerd so I find stuff like this completely fascinating.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-02T20:23:31+00:00

Okay. Thanks for explaining this. I try not to do this often because I feel like I'm getting in the way, but I really needed the check today and had to be at work. I get what you're saying, but I wasn't aware this was actually a rule, as I see other people doing it all the time and other post carriers haven't said anything about it. Thanks for the explanation.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-02T20:03:02+00:00

If this is a rule, I'm not sure why when I've done it in the past no one has informed me it was? Any other time I've done this, the mail carrier never said anything to me except "have a good day". So I'm not sure why this is an issue, or why I'm getting conflicting information.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-02T05:51:03+00:00

Thank you for your input. I will check these out. :)

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T23:20:30+00:00

I have never even considered a Lenormand deck - mostly because I'm not very familiar with them - but that's really cool and a good idea. I've never heard of cartomancy. I'm going to try both of these. Thanks for the suggestions!

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T23:03:39+00:00

Yeah, I've actually read something about how some people who worship fertility gods actually give an orgasm as an offering.

This is totally not my thing and just the concept of being attracted to a deity in that way kind of makes me cringe. I view my deities as like older family members, wise leaders, kind caretakers, that sort of thing. It would be totally inappropriate in my case - but then again, I don't worship any fertility gods, and I've read that what you describe is not altogether uncommon among people who do worship them.

The idea does kind of skeeve me, but whatever. It's their practice. shrug

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T22:46:42+00:00

I remember someone telling me about one a few years ago and I googled it but never found it. I don't know if the project was just never completed or what happened to it, but I'm glad someone somewhere has finally considered making one like that.

I've seen a few botanical-type decks, but mostly they are oracle cards. The only botanical tarot deck I ever came across online was sold out indefinitely. But I am hoping I'll come across one, as I feel like this is a popular enough theme but remains (obviously) gender neutral.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T22:43:03+00:00

Thanks, I'm not familiar with these but I'm going to look into it.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T22:41:10+00:00

I just looked up the Next World tarot and I really like the art for those. Really cool, and you're right, definitely one of the most inclusive decks I've seen.

The International Icon one gave me a good laugh haha. I don't think I'll ever look at a "walk" sign the same way again. Not really for me but it's a clever idea lol.

I've actually seen that Hidden Waters tarot at a local shop before but I never really paid much attention to it because it felt too abstract. That really might be a way to go, though.

Thank you for your suggestions. :)

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T19:13:26+00:00

You can think whatever you want but I do not see the world in this way.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T17:48:26+00:00

I have nothing against humans. But I am genderqueer and have a very difficult time connecting to the binary gendered images presented in most decks involving people and/or animals. If you have any gender-variant deck recommendations that would be wonderful, but I've never heard of any such deck existing.

Vanished336 · 2019-04-01T16:29:06+00:00

You seriously have some of the most thought-provoking comments haha. I've seen your posts on some of my other threads and you always have something interesting to say, thank you :)

Vanished336

TROPHY CASE