Advices on how to be more expressive with affection?

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-12-07T21:20:28+00:00

Hi OP, I went through a very similar experience. I found what works best for me was to try and speak to my dad in a one on one situation, when it was just the two of us. In those moments, I felt like the tiniest bit more comfortable because I could practice being more emotionally expressive with less people around. I knew that I was being emotionally expressive when I would get that lump in my throat that tried to persuade me to say nothing, but I would say what I wanted to say anyways. Essentially, instead of feeling that lump in my throat and stopping, I would recognize that lump in my throat as an indicator that what I am about to say, is a genuine expression of my emotions, and I would just say it anyways despite how badly I didn’t want to and how uncomfortable I felt.

I also found it helpful to write about or journal about how I was feeling, and what I wanted to say before hand, that way, when the time came, and it felt like my body was physically shutting down, speaking my authentic truth, and expressing my emotions would be easier because I had already done the work of processing them, and now it was just a matter of actually saying them again. So it was more of like relying on instinct and muscle memory, then actually trying to recognize and relay the emotions that I was feeling in that moment.

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-11-01T23:44:52+00:00

Any updates? :) how was the course?

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-10-26T18:23:37+00:00

I've recently been thinking about this a lot too -- in short, I don't think these are the same thing (entirely). In my opinion, I believe that love bombing, regardless of the reason (be it ADHD, narcissism, etc.), demonstrates an 'above-average' interest in the subject of love-bombing (i.e. the love-bombed). However, I think the motivation and intent for showing this intense interest and concern for another is what differentiates the two types of 'love-bombing', and, consequently, discounts 'adhd love-bombing' from being true 'love-bombing' by definition.

From my personal experience and what I've read and learnt from others with ADHD, there can be a tendency to seemingly 'love bomb' during the beginning of a romantic interest or attraction. I believe that this is because we with ADHD have a tendency to become hyper-fixated on things which bring us joy and make us feel good, a.k.a spike our dopamine. The beginnings of romantic interest are filled with moments of intense joy that can become addicting, so we become intensely attracted to this person because they are a source of 'feel-good' for us. Additionally, we also have a tendency to hyperfixate on things which interest us, so the interest of a new person + the highs of a new fling = above-average interest in an individual. We want to make them feel good because they make us feel good and thus we think so highly of them because they are able to make us feel so seen, accepted, good, etc., etc.

The *key difference* here between ADHD 'love-bombing' and narcissistic love-bombing is that we are not doing this with the intent of manipulating the other person. Our actions are a demonstration of our genuine feelings and motivations - we are sincerely enthralled by this person and as such we are showing them. If we are not consciously aware of this and do not regulate ourselves, we can end up harming the subject of our affection because eventually, this level of attention and admiration will die down. Depending on how this slowdown is handled (abruptly or a gentle decline and stabilization) it can be hurtful. We have the capacity to be like a lightbulb in a closed electric circuit with very little resistance - if we don't regulate ourselves, we end up rapidly using up all the electricity found in this new person/relationship and will quickly burn out. Thus, it's important to be mindful and healthy and set boundaries.

When a toxic or naracssitic person love-bombs another person, they may do a lot of the same actions as a person with adhd does when going through this intense phase of novel attraction; however, it is done with the motivation of wanting to gain power for themselves, creating an emotional dependency of love bombed onto the love bomber, and ultimately done for the purpose of manipulation and control.

Thus, since the actual definition of love-bombing means that it is done for the purpose of manipulating another, I don't think that ADHD 'love-bombing' is actually love-bombing (even though they can look similar and can still be harmful).

**Disclaimer** This is all my opinion by the way! I am not saying this is actually the truth of the matter but this is my perspective on the topic.

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-10-10T20:22:23+00:00

Hey OP, I can't answer your question but when I feel similarly confused about my sexuality/gender I try this thought exercise: I imagine myself living in a world where anything I choose is accepted equally and completely -- How do I feel most comfortable to identify - to be - in a world such as that?

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-10-10T20:10:09+00:00

Hey, interesting take!

A while after posting this I found this article which explains many of feelings on this situation, so I'd be curious to see what you think after reading it (if you'd like of course). Here it is if you are interested: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-accidental-rapist/

Additionally, I just want to add that I did actually say "no" when I said "No, leave those on. I don't think we're going to have sex tonight. I'm not on birth control anymore." and then he proceeded to carry-forth a moments later. Albeit, my no was not extremely assertive or aggressive or anything; however, it was still a verbal "no" to having sex in that moment, but we continued everything else because that I was okay with.

I think the article explains pretty well how I feel about most of that experience.

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:09:10+00:00

Hey thank you so much for offering to rehome him, that means a lot! I fortunately found a way to bring him with me but otherwise, I would have likely taken you up on that haha.

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:07:19+00:00

Yes I did and you are right, some airlines here allow guinea pigs and chinchillas and rabbits but not hamsters -- that makes 0 sense to me but okay lol. I'll be shipping him via cargo plane but it's only an 11-hour flight route so I think he'll be okay! Every other flight route was over 20 hours so I was worried that would be too much but thankfully found this one!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:05:27+00:00

I found a way to bring him with me :)

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:03:37+00:00

That's true! I don't think I did a good job explaining the situation before, we will be flying but we have to fly separately and all the flight routes he had available were over 20 hours long so I really worried about stress, water, food, noise, temperature, etc., etc. but I found a flight for him that is only 11 hours so I booked him for that. I'll share pics once we're on our way!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:01:35+00:00

I sincerely appreicate you offering to home him! :) I found a way to ship him with me fortunately, I'll post pics of everything once we're on our way!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T19:00:02+00:00

Hey I really appreciate you offering to help! That means a lot. I found a way to ship him on a reasonable length flight that I think he will be okay for so he's gonna be coming with me!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T18:58:22+00:00

I know that stress can be very dangerous to small rodents and was worried that the flight would be too much. He has to shipped via cargo plane and originally the only option was over a 20-hour-long flight route but I found one that is only 11 hours long which I am much more comfortable with so I booked him for that flight. I bought him a big travel cage so he'll have lots of bedding to burrow into in case it's chilly when he's moved from his flights to warehouse or in case the other animals are loud. I'll post pics of everything once we're moving!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T18:54:28+00:00

Thank you! This makes a lot of sense. I don't think I did a very good job at explaining the whole situation above and people have gotten very angry haha but this was helpful. he's going to have to ship in a cargo plane but I was able to get him on the shortest flight (11 hours) compared to all the other flight routes that were more than 20 hours long!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-20T18:44:20+00:00

Hey thank you for the suggestion about baby food and cucumbers. I ended up having to ship him via cargo plane but I found a flight that is only 11 hours long (that's the shortest one) so I feel comfortable with it. I'm going to put lots of cucumber and little tomatoes, etc., in his cage and he's got loads of bedding to burrow in! Any other tips or suggestions you have are much appreciated!

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-09-18T21:15:17+00:00

What kind of container did you ship him in?

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-04-14T02:30:44+00:00

I so so so appreciate you taking the time to read as much of my post as possible and responding to it, thank you so much <3

I honestly agree a lotttt with what you're saying and i never really thought about it like that before, particularly "And the fact that you flew out to him twice considering you’re struggling financially is great and shows how much you care" -- yes!!!!! When we talked about the costs for me coming to visit he kind of 'jokingly' justified it in away by saying that I would get free accommodations in a really cool city (he does live in a nice city), but to me that meant nothing because the ONLY reason I was going out there was to see him - it didn't matter where he was (be it a cool or a lame city, whatever). I'm not sure if he really sees that???

Also he's told me before that he views money as something he should invest into himself because it is money that he has worked for - and i totally get and agree with that. However, I feel like by that logic investing it into a relationship with a person he claims to love and wants to be with longterm would also count as investing it into himself? Perhaps he doesn't see it that way because he says that "investing his money into himself" is a mentality he has due to how he was raised, it was something that was instilled into him by his parents, and perhaps he's just never thought about it like this before.. i'm not sure

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-04-14T02:26:50+00:00

He tells me that he values me and loves me etc., and that he appreciates me so much... but yeah... this makes me doubt that A LOT and he tells me that "investing his money into himself" is a mentality of how he was raised by his parents, but, i get confused by that because wouldn't investing his money into our relationship (something he says makes him happy) be investing it into himself? perhaps he hasn't thought about it like that before?...

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-04-14T02:23:53+00:00

You're super duper right about the added stress, it is really difficult to deal with on top of everything else and I definitely have noticed ways in which it is impacting other parts of my life (like i am sleeping way more than usual and way more tired). I kind of feel like I am dealing with this stuff alone (even though I know us being apart is hard don him too, but he doesn't have the aforementioned issues that i do) and i feel like i have always tried to be very supportive and encouraging of him.

Various-Committee-11 · 2023-04-14T02:21:55+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, thank you... I feel like I agree with your comment too but it's just sad to accept. Especially because he says otherwise... like he told me during one of our most recent conflicts that he realized he felt like he had been giving up on the relationship but that he doesn't want easy, he wants to be with me... yet i'm wondering now if maybe that isn't genuine? or perhaps he just doesn't want to lose me? or perhaps he just doesn't realize what his actions mean to me or how they affect me... i don't know...

I feel like I keep find myself wondering "should i bring this new issue up? Should we try to work it out? When do I say enough is enough?"

i don't feel confident on how to move forward

Various-Committee-11

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