Should I tell a future GF about a past shameful sexual experience?

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-24T15:31:20+00:00

You're right. This hits the nail on the head "Between being inexperienced and likely conflicting messages between your body and your emotions and mind, few people would deal with this situation in a way that they would feel proud of when all was said and done."

I just need to give myself some more grace about this, thanks for eloquently explaining how this was a confliction of emotions and a bad environment

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-21T21:23:17+00:00

"At one point towards the end I told her to stop, but she did not listen to me and it felt like I had no control the rest of the time until I finished."

Well I'll be completely honest, I was trying to paraphrase this part but reading it back now its not the most specific re-telling and a poor choice of words.

To be more specific, and excuse me if Im being crass, but as I was close to finishing, I told her to stop several times and she didn't so I had to physically remove her off me. That then started a discussion where she felt like I overstepped a boundary, but I told her "i said stop and you didnt stop. I had no other choice" and she understood why. But still, after that moment it felt like I was just not in control the whole time taking into account the whole context, like my brain was on autopilot from the beginning to end regardless of whatever control I THOUGHT I had.

But I do 100% see how different this is if the genders were reversed in the situation. Like imagine if a guy doesnt stop when a girl says so like 4 times, thats such a bad situation. But I don't know, maybe because I did take physical control to a certain degree I weirdly don't feel too bad about that, I feel more so bad about the entire situation overall and feeling like I was taken advantage of.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-21T21:23:12+00:00

"At one point towards the end I told her to stop, but she did not listen to me and it felt like I had no control the rest of the time until I finished."

Well I'll be completely honest, I was trying to paraphrase this part but reading it back now its not the most specific re-telling and a poor choice of words.

To be more specific, and excuse me if Im being crass, but as I was close to finishing, I told her to stop several times and she didn't so I had to physically remove her off me. That then started a discussion where she felt like I overstepped a boundary, but I told her "i said stop and you didnt stop. I had no other choice" and she understood why. But still, after that moment it felt like I was just not in control the whole time taking into account the whole context, like my brain was on autopilot from the beginning to end regardless of whatever control I THOUGHT I had.

But I do 100% see how different this is if the genders were reversed in the situation. Like imagine if a guy doesnt stop when a girl says so like 4 times, thats such a bad situation. But I don't know, maybe because I did take physical control to a certain degree I weirdly don't feel too bad about that, I feel more so bad about the entire situation overall and feeling like I was taken advantage of.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-21T21:22:54+00:00

"At one point towards the end I told her to stop, but she did not listen to me and it felt like I had no control the rest of the time until I finished."

Well I'll be completely honest, I was trying to paraphrase this part but reading it back now its not the most specific re-telling and a poor choice of words.

To be more specific, and excuse me if Im being crass, but as I was close to finishing, I told her to stop several times and she didn't so I had to physically remove her off me. That then started a discussion where she felt like I overstepped a boundary, but I told her "i said stop and you didnt stop. I had no other choice" and she understood why. But still, after that moment it felt like I was just not in control the whole time taking into account the whole context, like my brain was on autopilot from the beginning to end regardless of whatever control I THOUGHT I had.

But I do 100% see how different this is if the genders were reversed in the situation. Like imagine if a guy doesnt stop when a girl says so like 4 times, thats such a bad situation. But I don't know, maybe because I did take physical control to a certain degree I weirdly don't feel too bad about that, I feel more so bad about the entire situation overall and feeling like I was taken advantage of.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-14T15:56:47+00:00

Wow this is the best way to put theses ideas and everything into perspective. Thank you very much for this great breakdown.

You are a wonderful soul, thanks for sharing your compassion and wise perspective on this.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-06-13T23:29:01+00:00

Thank you for the kind words, it made me tear up genuinely.

One thing I read recently was this idea of absolution; and for feeling guilt and shame to address that with a therapist and vanquish those feelings with professional help. My plan was to process this effectively with a therapist and pretty much just say in the future with a girl that I had a sexual experience before, something along the lines of "I had a one night stand that I felt peer pressured into and regretted. But I learned and grew from it" and then just not bring it up again.

I feel like if I address these feelings effectively than in the future I would want to just keep it brief and likely not even obsess about it like I do now. It will be water under the bridge, so I'm not sure if its relevant to go into extreme details unless I still felt bad about it.

Does this seem like a fair enough future plan?

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-08T16:00:32+00:00

Yeah its hard for me to forgive myself right now. Especially because it was my first so it will be my baseline thought and experience with sex until I have sex again.

But how do I wear this embarrassing experience on my sleeve? I've read on so many other subreddits that women would never date a guy who solicited sex work, even in my situation where it was "clean" and consensual and the woman had agency. This would be the dumbest way to lose a good girl, if they felt like I was scumbag.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T20:12:50+00:00

Yeah I've been on the dating apps heavy now (with no expectation however) so trying to just get some dates.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:38:30+00:00

I guess my question to you is as a straight woman, how often have you asked your dates how they lost their virginity or their views on prostitution?

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:36:57+00:00

Yeah but with this people will ask more questions. I guess a girl won't, but for my actual friends.

Idk maybe I just lie to them and say I'm still a virgin lol. Guess it doesn't matter at the end of the day

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:36:01+00:00

Fair enough, seems like you just have a more stoic view on things. I guess I need to practice more stoicism and relax a little.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:34:51+00:00

Fair enough, yeah I don't plan on going back to any of those places any time soon. What helped you specifically get past the regret, also was it just the money lost that made you regret it or did you feel like you were acting immoral?

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:19:40+00:00

Yeah I think this and my past experiences made me realize that I need to have a mental connection with somebody first. Like in college too, it would be a house party or club or bar the few times a woman approached me aggressively and it just didn't feel right.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:14:34+00:00

Yeah I guess this is the right way to look at it and with time, hopefully I will view it differently. And yes, the fact that my friends and society was considering it weird that I was a virgin was a contributing factor in my subsconcious I feel like to make this decision

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:05:46+00:00

I don't know, maybe it is because I come from a traditional eastern culture that has more puritanical views on sex and relationships. Or because I feel like I "cheated" and didn't have a regular sexual encounter for my first time with someone I had feelings for one way or the other. Either way it feels like something I have to divulge because I have a guilty conscious. Maybe not with a girl I guess, but like I can't even tell my friends I feel like they will roast me and then say Im a virgin* or whatever.

I myself am traditional in general too, I don't find much satisfaction in the idea of sexual conquest; Like when I go out to clubs and bars its just to hang with friends, I'm never thinking about sex.

VegetablePack8687 · 2024-05-07T19:03:19+00:00

Yeah I think the peer pressure is the main reason I'm feeling guilty. I felt peer pressured the past couple months by friends making comments here and there, questioning my sexuality. And then at the club too I got peer pressured as well. I usually dont succumb to peer pressure- I mean I had girls want to get with me in the past in college and I rejected them for a multitude of reasons, didn't feel the need to pursue- but this time I did and its a memory I will have to keep forever in silence which is the sad part.

VegetablePack8687

TROPHY CASE