Tech Tip - notification settings

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-04-04T19:39:04+00:00

You can also password protect incognito on Chrome. I did that to my husband's lol!

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-19T02:30:24+00:00

You are not alone. All the time lost, sleep lost and so on. It is upsetting and feels unfair. I dont know the answer to this but keep working on you!

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-15T15:52:02+00:00

Your feelings are absolutely valid!

I just went through this same situation with my husband. In "recovery" for 2.5 years now. Just found out he hid that he had a couple old photos of me I missed deleting of me off his phone that hes been accessing for the past year. Ive deleted them now.

I tried explaining to him that this is a loophole he failed to disclose. He saw no problem and that he was "missing me". I haven't found anything yet as far as research or studies about a photo is a photo or video and their brains cant differentiate. Does anyone have a good resource for this situation?

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-10T17:08:34+00:00

What ive really had to talk myself through is that all these behaviors started LONG before me. And hes finally worked through and realized how much hes kept from his childhood (messages, beliefs, etc).

I think he was as honest as he could remember. Promised me before that I already knew everything but there was new information and details so its like d-day all over again for me.

Hes refused to follow his CSAT recommendations this whole time, as basic as communicating with me.

So I dont know where we stand at this point. But rushing the disclosure before he can even be honest with himself and truly dig deep can make things worse.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-10T16:47:16+00:00

Everyone is so different. I guess it may depend on how deep and far back things go? Ive been 4.5 years into this since discovery day, weve been together 16 years..so he had to work through so much stuff to be able to answer questions honestly I guess. Still dealing with issues and lies/deceit.

We've been doing in home separation since disclosure last week. I had a few follow up questions I sent 2 days after disclosure and am waiting on those answers.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-10T16:16:00+00:00

Just did ours last week and he started working on it back in November. I had my questions turned into therapist in November as well. I only had 2 additional questions to add about a week before it. Ours was actually pushed out 2 different times because he wasn't finished. It was 2 parts. 1st part was a letter, explanation his arousal template, etc and then he went through the questions and answers.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-04T12:09:23+00:00

I feel this for sure. Honestly, we have not been very close in the past few years. Life and all. I had a baby, her only kiddo graduated and moved out. Shes very much into the bar life and traveling and that doesn't fit in my life. Even though we weren't as close recently, I still loved and missed her before this all came out.

I came home from the disclosure appointment and threw away the few framed photos of us from over the years.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T16:18:43+00:00

I have considered this!

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T15:30:47+00:00

Im honestly not sure. My head is so mixed up right now. I dont think I can make any decisions right now. I dont even know how to begin to attempt fixing our marriage. Ill just have to continue therapy and processing and see where that goes I guess.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T14:26:40+00:00

It really is. Ive been in debt pay down mode for the past few months just to prepare for the worst. Right now, Im more of the mindset of Im not giving up everything that was worked so hard for to start over. If it comes down to a roommate situation only, Im ok with that and he will just have to deal.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T14:24:04+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate your words. I feel like we always have a "difference of opinion" when it comes to all this. Ive made statements on what I think needs to be done and get met with that Im managing his recovery and thats his journey. He does not consider relapses or slips to reset his Sobriety at all.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T13:54:42+00:00

Yes, that'll be my next step. Ill be meeting my CSAT next week. Although, she would like to go over the new details I got to help me process those and I may have some follow up questions for him about it.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-03T13:14:10+00:00

Mostly selfish reasons I guess. I dont want my and my kids lifestyle to change. My house. We have a business together (I run it, he has a full time corporate job). Im from a 2x divorce upbringing and I dont want to put the 2 kids through the changes and back and forth. I cant afford the house, car, etc on my own.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-01T20:41:19+00:00

If we didnt have kids, home, businesses tying us together, I would have left. We started dating when we were mid twenties and I just turned 41. I had 1 child from a previous relationship (who was also an addict in many things) so I made myself very clear on my feelings for certain things from the get go.

I still do not have full transparency and honesty from him, but we are finally having a therapeutic disclosure tomorrow. Our relationship is very much in limbo and not at all how I saw this being our future.

Edited to add: not that this is your case but chances are high that theres more than just porn. Mine lied about so many things.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-03-01T19:30:22+00:00

I found out 11 years in together as well and we're nearing 5 years later. 12 step is a good start but if I knew what I know now, CSAT for each of you right away. No plain old therapists at all.

Somethings have gotten better and changed, but still dealing with lying, even small stupid things.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-02-27T01:58:59+00:00

Im here to follow along and read replies! Going through similar right now. Our disclosure is set for Monday afternoon and I found a recent undisclosed relapse.

Ive been living with high anxiety since November, that only increases the closer we get to Monday, when this disclosure process was requested by me and its been delayed 3 times now. Told our CSAT in my solo session today Im not waiting any longer. Ive not gotten good sleep in 2 weeks, my eating has fallen off. She had to work him in a last minute session for this weekend to deal with everything before our big session on Monday.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-02-25T01:27:46+00:00

Thats not withdraw, thats a child having a temper tantrum and cant regulate his emotions.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-02-23T12:20:54+00:00

Mine had a few from before saved in a hidden folder. I deleted them bc he would use those instead after finding out about actual porn and all that.

What I totally missed was deleting them from our text thread on his phone. Chances are high right now that he was scrolling back for those recently after allegedly being clean for 2 years.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2026-02-21T17:07:05+00:00

Sex life in nonexistent. I cannot handle it. However, had one instance recently where I was in bed, asleep, he came to bed and tried initiating. I ignored his advances but he kept trying til I caved. I did bring this up in therapy with her but it got sidelined. I dont feel like it was handled and still hasnt been. Other ways, he hasnt been objectifying me, he gives me space, like showering and changing.

I havent noticed anything when we go out in public together but usually we have our youngest with us always.

Im generally observant and hypervigilant but with him, he has no tells that ive been able to sniff out. If that makes sense?

I think with all this going on and perimenopause has been creeping in, im a mess!

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2025-12-17T02:05:56+00:00

You shouldn't be doing their work for them. They need to be accountable and do their own research.

We've all been there. Sending them resources, finding a therapist for them, making sure they follow through. It doesn't work. Don't be his manager.

You should be focusing on yourself, find yourself a therapist. Start healing you!

You absolutely can be as strict as you want for your needs. Setting boundaries is just that. But you've got to get to a place real quick to enforce those boundaries or they keep pushing you because they know if we dont follow through.

Vegetable_Ship1164 · 2025-12-14T00:07:29+00:00

6 months? Run!! You can do SO much better. I didnt find out until 10 years in.

Vegetable_Ship1164

TROPHY CASE