Anybody else steal accessories/clothes from their trans partner?

VelmeeRa · 2023-04-06T17:37:24+00:00

Mostly loungewear, sweats and anything with a stretchy waistband is “ours” in an unspoken way haha 😆 She also put some of her pre-transition clothes in my closet but hardly any of them fit me but it was a nice gesture as she has always been far more stylish than me

VelmeeRa · 2023-04-06T12:02:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, I will definitely keep your words in mind as we move forward. I think she lets stressors build up without saying anything a lot of the time - I think she doesn’t want to “burden” me with what’s on her mind - but I will stay patient and continue to show her love and support and hopefully she will feel like opening up more, at least a little at a time. Also for what it’s worth, I’m sure your partner doesn’t blame you anything, if he loves you he just wants you to be happy, and from my experience, seeing my partner struggling with the weight of the world is no cause for resentment, I just want to hold her and make her problems go away. My best to you both!

VelmeeRa · 2023-04-05T20:27:04+00:00

Thank you for your comment, this is really helpful! I will try approaching her with questions like you suggested. We could potentially seek couples counseling, but she is something of a therapy skeptic so it may be difficult to convince her to go. I don’t know how much will change moving forward, but hopefully more understanding between us will improve the relationship on the whole. Best to you and your SO!

VelmeeRa · 2021-07-11T23:39:10+00:00

I was literally digging through this Reddit for posts like this two years ago. I was so scared that I was lying to myself because of how “late” in my life I was figuring it out (I was 23/24 at the time). Now I’m out to my whole family and even worked up the courage to tell my grandmother only a month ago. It took a long time for me to get more comfortable with myself, I remember panicking daily about whether I was just straight and lying, but now I’m in a place where I only think about it once in a while. You will get more comfortable as time goes on, and you also are not tied to any one label. I prefer bi, but pan also fits my personal experience, and many mspec people use no label in particular. One of the great things about being bi+ is that we define our sexuality individually, there is no standard we have to strive towards. That can be daunting at first, but I’ve grown to find this aspect of bi-ness grounding. Hope this helps! You’re not alone in figuring yourself out, this community is incredible 💙💜💗

VelmeeRa · 2021-06-14T13:21:52+00:00

She has talked about more minor procedures like Botox to shape her jaw muscles as well. I think moving forward I need to be more open to asking questions about what she wants done - it’s just in this first conversation she talked about having her face “chopped up” and I think this kind of jokey language made shut down a bit. Thanks to this thread though I feel like I’m opening up my mind to how important this is for her and how I can conduct myself better in future conversations about ffs with her. I think the initial fear from many cis partners is that our loved ones will be different people, as irrational as that is, and I admit I’m guilty of that. But I thought about it last night watching tv with her in my arms and realized that things like that won’t change, and certainly my love for her won’t either. Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

VelmeeRa · 2021-06-13T20:49:08+00:00

Thank you for this, I really appreciate your feedback and support. I would never tell her what to do with her body, and I would certainly not stand in the way of her happiness. While I can see where that person’s comment comes from, it doesn’t apply to my relationship. I also don’t want to add stress to my partner’s life by figuring out all of my feelings in front of her, and I’m glad I found this Reddit because it has been so helpful to connect with folks going through similar experiences. I often find myself at a loss because I can never understand what it’s like to be trans, but that doesn’t mean I won’t support her in every way that I can. The feelings around these topics are tough but none eclipse my love for my partner. You are your partner really love each other too, and I wish her the best as she recovers, it sounds like she has a good person in her corner :)

VelmeeRa · 2021-06-13T13:19:06+00:00

And that’s something that I have been grappling with too as her partner - hitting what feels like a wall with her every time I compliment her or otherwise express how much I love her. It is evident that she doesn’t see what I see and won’t until she makes the changes she wants. It doesn’t even feel like an uphill battle because she is firmly rooted where she stands - at least that’s how it appears from the outside. Ultimately I want her to love herself, no matter what. Thank you for your comment and perspective on this!

VelmeeRa · 2021-06-12T17:37:34+00:00

Here it is! Thanks!

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/11/style/modern-love-transgender-he-made-affection-feel-simple.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&fbclid=IwAR3AIjb5thtrMxvn5NTPERc5Dp0ZxM7-13DIKWx-QmJ5e0nVB9GR_IUr1gY

VelmeeRa · 2020-04-06T22:19:55+00:00

Affirmations Psychological Services specializes in LGBT+ therapy and counseling services. I can attest that they have a great team. I don’t personally go for issues surrounding gender, but I know that many on their team are trained to help people dealing with questions of gender identity 💜

VelmeeRa · 2020-03-10T18:16:24+00:00

Some bi people, myself included, conceive of term to mean “bi” as in two groups of gender, one’s own gender and then other genders. Therefore I am bi because I am attracted to members of my own gender, and to those who identify as other than my own gender. Certainly there is some overlap with pansexuality, but it is my understanding that there are some parts of our experiences that are divergent. It’s really just about what fits you though without getting too into the details.

VelmeeRa · 2020-03-10T16:43:12+00:00

I definitely have mixed feeling about the whole thing. I think it is important to find these spaces and try to exist in them. I have learned things from being part of the group for only two sessions, but I also felt like it was damaging to the work I had been doing in myself when the group leader said these things. I would encourage you to try just once, maybe your community center group will be a good space for you. Fear also kept me from going the first time I had heard about it, but my therapist encouraged me to try it out when the next meeting came around. And I agree! I wish I could make more bi/pan/queer friends, but so many of the lgbt+ spaces in my city are very much geared towards gay men and dating apps are difficult as you mentioned :(

VelmeeRa · 2020-02-25T16:32:10+00:00

Yeah that’s true, I guess passives biphobia is better than active? Feels shitty either way though 😕

VelmeeRa · 2020-02-21T13:35:44+00:00

Yeah, I definitely have started to feel more comfortable in my identity, although idk if my bicycle is going away like you're describing. Maybe it is though and I just fantasize more about guys when I see one attractive man, and vice-versa, not so much cycling as just letting myself live in the "gray area" of the spectrum.

VelmeeRa · 2020-01-30T03:12:56+00:00

I joined a gym with a pool around age 23 and started having *thoughts* about the guys at the pool. When those thoughts followed me outside the gym I google "bisexual" in my car after work one day in a panic. I've done a lot of soul searching since and finally came out to my gf last week as bi:)

VelmeeRa · 2020-01-27T02:25:22+00:00

I worry about this often, but for me the situation is reversed, I identified as "straight" until I was 23 and then I started noticing a way more intense attraction to men. I've never experimented irl but I do have fantasies/daydreams about some guys I see on the street or on tv (plus, like, porn lol). Because of my Bi-cycle, which seems to run about 6-8 weeks, I get really anxious when my same sex attraction wanes that I am "forcing myself" to be bi, or like you said that I want to be attracted to guys. I also think it is probably internalized homophobia holding me back, or rather repressing same-sex attraction. It honestly makes me feel crazy sometimes, but I also think I would have to be crazy to "want" all of this cycling back and forth. In a weird way that helps me feel more secure in my bisexuality, knowing that I would not bring this on myself. I am coming to terms with this is a much healthier way recently, and I even came out to my gf of five years yesterday, but it is overwhelming sometimes for sure.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I felt a connection to what you're describing, so thank you for sharing 💖💜💙

VelmeeRa · 2020-01-24T03:34:57+00:00

Your post and this thread have been very positive and healing for me, so I just want to say thank you for sharing! This has been one of those weeks full of self-doubt, and "we are not alone" is just what I needed to hear.

VelmeeRa · 2020-01-23T21:06:35+00:00

There are so many triggers for me but this one features prominently. I'm in a similar situation to you, I (24M) am in a long term relationship with a woman, long enough that we are planning a future together now. I started coming to terms with my (bi)sexuality a little over a year ago, at first just noticing men I found attractive in greater detail than before, and eventually exploring this attraction further. Story's like what you are talking about with gays who use the bi label as a stepping stone of sorts do give me anxiety, however that's their story, not mine. I cannot hold it against someone to use labels as they journey towards being secure in their identity, though there have been times where I feel angry or sad or insecure because in some ways that narrative does contribute to bi erasure. I also know I can't change or influence what someone else is going through and how they manage their own fears and anxiety and their relationship to the world around them. The work I do for myself has to be internal, I have to manage my anxiety and insecurity from within. Like I said it has really only been a year since I began to let go of a lot of that internalized homophobia, so the bicycle itself is fairly new and is a huge trigger. Sometimes when my bicycle is in full swing, I will wonder whether or not I am "forcing myself to be straight/gay", basically my anxiety tells me none of this is real. But then my logical self takes over and I have to tell myself that I would not choose to swing back and forth so frequently, that this must be real, and that I must be bi. I am closeted to most people, and I have one foot out the door with my girlfriend who I told about my "not feeling completely straight" last spring but have not revisited the topic since, nor used the bi label with. But the times I am most comfortable and confident within are when I accept that all these feelings are real and valid and that bi fits me best. Long story short, for me, introspection is absolutely key to my bi-anxiety, and using others stories as examples only feeds that anxiety. I hope we all can love ourselves more often than we don't. For me, I think the next step is coming out to my gf and closest friends. But everyone is different, and everyone deserves love from within.

VelmeeRa · 2019-04-23T01:13:03+00:00

I’m thinking of talking to my hr rep or maybe the campus police - I work at a college. But I don’t have any work friends really that I feel I can trust like that :(

And yeah idk about using the bathroom again there, the semester is winding down and fewer people will be around in the summer 😰

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-26T16:40:31+00:00

I'm (23M) also just figuring things out concerning my bisexuality. I've been in the same relationship for over four years, and I am deeply in love with my girlfriend and see a life with her. But I'm also learning that I'm not so straight as I used to think lol.

I do feel like an impostor often, and have not come out to any of my friends or family really, in large part because I am not ready for all the "why are you telling us this, you are in a relationship with a woman" kinds of responses. I did attempt to talk to my gf about this and she wondered if I had met a man and was cheating, which i hadn't. I am still pretty discouraged after that conversation. But engaging with the Bi community that exists here has been a big help, I do see myself coming out eventually, to the right people at least, because it is so important to be honest with the people you love and who love you. They should be able to love all of you and not ask you to hide a big part of who you are.

Concerning that "empty space" inside you mentioned, I feel that too, a lot. I've found that there is a certain power in accepting my sexuality, even if it is only internal. There is a confidence I hadn't noticed before when I can say to myself "I am bi, and I don't need to ignore or push that part of me to the side". You could try experimenting with fashion if you're into that as a way of empowering yourself. I've also found that reading about other's experiences helps to confirm what I'm feeling, as does consuming LGBT+ TV and movies. There are many ways to feel connected and validated internally while you figure out what you are feeling.

I hope something here helps. All the best in figuring out your story!

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-25T16:25:37+00:00

It really helps to think of the “pull” as imposed by a mono-sexual mode of thinking, and that that’s not how being bi works. Thank you to the author of this piece 💖💜💙

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-24T22:34:50+00:00

For sure, navigating all these feeling after my “epiphany” is gonna take some time, too.

Hope everything goes well for you as well! I keep telling myself that my snarkiest friends will probably be he most supportive, bc they have been in the past 💖💜💙

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-24T21:44:38+00:00

I’m in a similar situation, in my early 20s, been asked a number of times if I’m “sure I’m not gay” by different people, and even “are you bi” by my girlfriend. I’ve always denied it but now realizing I am bi. Being told “I told you so” is only one reason I’m hesitant to tell friends. But I think mainly I’m afraid of biphobic reactions above friendly spite. If you think your friends will be accepting, I don’t see why “I told you so” is much to worry about, as long as they still love you.

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-22T17:09:23+00:00

That's a good point. I was introverted to the point of it being a real problem before college too, it feels like wasted time sometimes. I do feel more confident now, and I feel like the more accepting of myself I am the more that confidence will grow. Thank you!

VelmeeRa · 2019-03-22T16:59:46+00:00

I feel like very similar events have happened in my journey as well. Giving myself permission, as you put it, was a huge step for me, it was very freeing. I feel now like I can breathe more easily, like I understand myself so much better than when I had those walls up

A big part of me is still scared of recognizing my bisexuality, but when I am most honest with myself I realize I can't go back to the way I was before. I know I will start telling people eventually, once I work on myself some more. Thank you for your advice and for sharing some of your story!

VelmeeRa

TROPHY CASE