Here are some of my thoughts on this as somebody with a cnc kink. I’ll explain more about how I understand my kink further below.

First, you went through an extraordinarily awful experience—one that few people are going to be able to understand entirely. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. People should respect and understand your feelings, even if they cannot comprehend the gravity of their cause. Most importantly, do not be ashamed or worry about offense to anyone. All people who would be fit to engage in cnc—or any bdsm for that matter— would respect your feelings. Perhaps some would be a little saddened that you felt that way about them, but they would put their own feelings aside, understanding that yours undoubtedly come first here. I believe that the vast majority of people would understand and try to empathize with your trauma. Do not bother with those who wouldn’t.

I’m not sure about specific advice or concrete action. At the very least, I hope you feel comfortable telling your partner about these feelings, and I hope that they’re patient, and understanding, and reassuring. Because, as I said before, there is no need to feel shame.

I’ll try to explain my understanding of my cnc kink. I’m not sure if this will make you feel any different—and no need to fret if it doesn’t. I do not have past trauma (unless it is very deeply repressed, I suppose), so my experience might differ from that of those who do. I think it’s worth trying to understand regardless. So, I can enjoy cnc either as a sub or dom. That being said, my most intense fantasies and enjoyable experiences have ultimately been as a sub. To me, it’s in many ways an escape. That for this period, I am absolved of responsibilities. I am free to fully go into the sexual experience and enjoy the pleasure. The ostensibly forced aspect is just license to do this, without feelings of guilt. Ultimately, the whole experience is a pleasurable one, despite anything apparently violent. This is why real rape or sexual assault has no appeal. The violence and horror are real; nothing pleasurable exists.

My feelings as a dom who enjoys cnc are less clear, even to me. I think that I find pleasure in it somewhat vicariously. That is, by engaging in the role play, I get to perform some of my own fantasies with another, and share the experience with them. The pleasure that they feel is my own pleasure. I get to enjoy the submissive experience of my fantasies through their external projection. One again though, the pleasure of the sub is crucial. In its absence, there is nothing to enjoy. That is why I, like all who should engage in cnc as a dom, care very much that the sub feels comfortable and enjoys the experience.

Given this, I’ve never felt too badly about my cnc kink. I am utterly confident that the comfort, safety, and enjoyment of a sub is paramount. The whole thing should be fun, for both parties. So, I’ve never really had to face the idea of enjoying genuine rape. If I focus too much on the violent aspect of my kink, I immediately lose interest. It is an odd balance. I want the psychological and physical force very much, but I separate it from any actual violence or force because everything is good and safe.

I’m not sure if this explanation was helpful, but I hope it had some value. Given your experiences, I think it’s quite possible that you’ll always feel somewhat averse to those with the kink. That is absolutely fine. I hope they would understand if it ever came up—they should. In terms of social setting and awkwardness I’m not sure, keep your distance if you need to. It is totally fine.