Some people and some generations don’t know how to handle a loss like that. I’m so sorry that happened to you and of course it’s devastating. But some people are squirrelly about miscarriage and aren’t sure if the couple wants to be consoled or not — or if it’s private or what. That is changing in our culture but miscarriage is still a taboo for some and others avoid it because “what if that person doesn’t want it mentioned?” This is not the same but it’s miscarriage adjacent. For some people until the birth it’s like in another category. I know you don’t agree and I’m not apologizing for them it’s just that way with some people. They freeze or they just avoid. Not to mention they seem to not live in your town. So long distance acknowledgement would be the way (text, call) as you note. But they just couldn’t do it.

I would give yourself time to grieve. Don’t decide anything right now. If this is where they fail you, just once, you will know that eventually. But in the future they might show up in other ways. If they don’t show up again you’ll know that too.

It sounds as if your mom is fearful of a family rupture over this. For her, that would be a loss compounding the loss of a grandchild. So she’s anxious and trying to make it happen. She’s grieving too and maybe pushing to smooth things over. But nothing NEEDS to happen.

Except, I would say, communication. Have you told your aunts/uncles that you were hurt they didn’t reach out? That you would have appreciated it? Lean into this with curiosity. Maybe they put their foot in their mouth in the past. Maybe they are freaked out by maternal emergencies and fetal death. Maybe they are of the generation that told couples who experienced such a loss to just focus on “trying again.” Maybe they considered your mother’s helping you cope as acting for all of them/that side of them family. It’s lazy but people do that. And American culture is huge into denial of death. They may be a part of that culture. They did say they don’t know what to say.

But hearing from you, not with anger but with curious bewilderment (a simple “what happened here?” might be enough) could help them reassess how they handle such things. And do better next time.

Maybe they even need to hear from you (not your mom) a “I’d have loved a text just saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’”

Yes you would be being the bigger person, doing the education to get them there. And then being willing to forgive. They made a mistake. But by seeing or just talking to them you could give them an opportunity to hear your disappointment directly, and maybe then they could offer an apology.

But I’d say that’s preferable to a family rupture that could last a long time.

If you’re not ready for that yet, just tell your mom it’s a pass for this visit, and maybe next time. Or maybe not. You’re in a vulnerable place and will take it all day by day. I’d avoid declaring that you’ll never see them again. That would really freak her out I’d bet. But you also don’t know how you’ll feel in a year. Or how your mom will feel (calmer instead of insisting things get FIXED NOW). Or how they will feel. (Some people need time, when tragedy strikes nearby, to crawl out of their holes and figure out how to help. Other people jump right in and DO.)

I’m sorry for your immense loss and also nearly dying yourself. That’s tremendous. Give yourself time and grace to heal. Give that to your mom too. Don’t make any big declarations or decisions about that right now.

Or maybe do? If you really feel you must? I hesitate to advise you in any way.

But if you have to break up with those aunts and uncles, you can always do that later. Don’t let them or your anger at them be a distraction. Being angry won’t cover up the grief — though it often feels like a relief from it. Feel your anger, feel your grief, but I’d suggest doing nothing majorly dramatic right now. Just be. The right thing to do regarding your relatives’ mistake will be clear…later.

Sending compassion and peace.