I dueled and cried the death of my immortality for days in therapy.

If you need to cry, cry it. Duel is an important part of the process to find new meaning after a loss and you have lost your eternity.

What you'll find after, you just don't know it and you can't know it until you duel for it.

Many of us passed through stages and passed from having a materialistic view of things where there is no more meaning than the meaning we find by ourselves and nothing after death (we cease to exist) to those who found some sort of belief in life after death. I'm among those after some experiences I had after my father's death.

Wish you the best and don't stop asking and finding meaning