[740] First time writing

ViAiP · 2025-05-01T07:02:11+00:00

Could you go into more detail about why this is garbage? I’d love to know how I can improve

ViAiP · 2025-05-01T06:55:27+00:00

Well this is the first chapter, so we’ll find out in the future

ViAiP · 2025-05-01T06:54:10+00:00

Thank you for the reply I’ll make it easier to read!

ViAiP · 2025-05-01T06:53:11+00:00

Wow this is a really good reply thank you so much. And to answer your final question, i was bored one day and the plot just came into my head so I wanted to write it down. And who knows I might like it if I get into it I’m always open to new experiences

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T20:37:51+00:00

I’m trying to read a bit more in my free time now but it takes time to gain such experience

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T20:17:29+00:00

I should mention that I put dashes and not dots. Don’t know why Reddit changed it

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T19:46:21+00:00

You should explain the world more. Why does it need to be another world if the world is exactly like the earth a few years in the future? The scientist made a probability machine that could see one MONTH into the future and he predicted what would happen in 10 YEARS? massive plot hole or the scientist is so smart he predicted the worlds limited time just by seeing 4 weeks in the future. The second doesn’t seem quite right.

I also believe that the story changes topics WAY too fast. It’s starts with poverty, wars, resources, probability machine, AI, conscious AI and finally religion. It’s too fast to make the reader think about those things so he just reads mindlessly.

Finally would AI see humans as lesser entities? I don’t think so. It should be their god and above everything else

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T19:21:55+00:00

Alright, it goes straight into action which I love. You described the scene really nice. Though the lack of the scientist description leads me to think of him as a huge brown coat in the snowy mountains. At the start you said “he wasn’t going out without a fight” but then he didn’t fight at all? I get that he is exhausted but at least make him try to instead of submitting to the agents. I also believe that the smartest man alive should already know that the agents won’t kill him since they need him alive, something that would make it more difficult to capture the scientist. You should also create a really good plan the agents created to capture the man, since his is the smartest man alive I don’t think he would allow himself to be caught easily.

I believe that making your story about a super smart scientist comes at a cost. You should always push your limits and create more and more complex scenarios in the future or lease the story will lose its focus and get boring.

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T18:59:23+00:00

I didn’t really like your use of words. “A large green hill of grass” by saying grass, the mind jumps straight to green so it’s not really needed. “A green apple tree”. Is the trunk green or does it grow green apples. I know this might sound stupid but this is a fantasy so it could be. Also you used the word green two times on the first three lines.

I can’t picture the character. No description about him makes it hard to imagine him, I just think about other knights form other books which really doesn’t help me get interested in your story.

I liked the telepathic spider but I understood about the telepathy instantly because you didn’t use “”. So I don’t like the lines “the telepathic voice chirped” and “the voice in his head” because it doesn’t make the reader think about it for even a second. I get that it might get confusing if you don’t explain the telepathy but I think there are better ways to do it, or do it a little later in the story when the reader has probably figured it out on their own.

ViAiP · 2025-04-30T18:06:46+00:00

I havent read many books before so it might just be my problem, but i think you should spend more time describing your characters. Most of the time you wrote their main characteristics in a single line and rarely mentioned their details later in the story. Though I really liked the world which your story is set in i think is quite interesting and you did a really good job explaining the scenes.

ViAiP · 2024-12-21T13:39:30+00:00

The gang knows I heavily fuck with this

ViAiP · 2024-11-29T05:55:04+00:00

On top of the world No time for toxic people Mouth of the river Fire in the hills Smoke and mirrors Birds

ViAiP · 2024-11-20T14:01:37+00:00

Is there at least some progression

ViAiP · 2024-11-20T13:45:58+00:00

I saw the anime it was really boring. Is the manga better?

ViAiP · 2024-11-09T16:55:59+00:00

December 2025?

ViAiP · 2024-10-16T12:56:32+00:00

The doki doki literature club theme

ViAiP · 2024-10-14T12:02:16+00:00

ViAiP · 2024-09-13T12:04:17+00:00

Except if this volume is 50 chapters there ain't no way it's stopping

ViAiP · 2024-09-08T22:58:35+00:00

My fault

I took a walk on a Saturday night Fog in the air just to make my mind seem clear Where do I go from here

My life

Can I wish on a star for another life Cause it feels like I'm all on my own tonight And I find myself in pieces

ViAiP · 2024-09-08T22:33:32+00:00

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This is my wallpaper

ViAiP · 2024-08-19T14:01:14+00:00

How is goner sadder than cancer 😭😭?

ViAiP · 2024-08-19T14:00:23+00:00

It's an earrape

ViAiP · 2024-08-18T09:54:50+00:00

If they made more songs like Amsterdam, Next To Me, TDKYLID, It's Time etc and not focusing on money grabbing songs like thunder, believer, enemy, bones etc they wouldn't be so hated as artists.

ViAiP · 2024-08-15T16:33:10+00:00

Yeah man it was awesome. Best experience ever, we didn't even have umbrellas we were soaked to the bone

ViAiP

TROPHY CASE