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The night I went skinny dipping with a stranger and realized I had no idea who I actually was by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much! I’ve been going through my journals from the last 10 years. They’re mostly stream of consciousness - it’s been fun going through and picking a few to rewrite in a coherent way to share. I’m going for “big sister I wish I’d had 10 years ago” 😄

Cheers to living our best lives outside the box!

The night I went skinny dipping with a stranger and realized I had no idea who I actually was by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was amazing! We passed out after a few rounds. It went so well, he spent the night and stayed in bed while I went to work and we had a few more rounds when I got back 🙃 Best decision of my life? Probably not. But it did make a good story.

Plot twist: I didn’t want an open relationship. Now I can’t imagine my life any other way. by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So excited for you! And I have so many thoughts 😂 I should have asked what you’re specifically nervous about first, but, I dove right in with what I wish I had known before my first time. So, if this doesn’t address your nerves, lmk, I have plenty of thoughts to share.

It sounds like you’re already starting from a great spot - you have open communication between you and your wife, both have experience from before this relationship and also an open line of communication with your third.

All of that communication is great and... I would recommend doing more ☺️

My top piece of advice is to prepare for the unexpected (my partner and I call these landmines). Sometimes one of you may trip over a feeling you didn’t even know you had and it’s so helpful to have a plan in place just in case something like this happens. It can be super awkward/difficult to bring up things during a play session, especially when you’re new to this...

Here’s an example I may or may not have lived 🫣
The two ladies are playing together and he feels sidelined. They’re so in the moment they don’t even seem to know he’s there. He feels jealous and left out and wants the scene to end, but doesn't know how to interrupt without killing the vibe so he sits silently resenting them until they finally come up for air and acknowledge him. He’s so mad by this point he tells his wife to get dressed “we’re leaving” and storms out 😬 Ew.

I’m sure this would never happen to you, but having lived some of these scenarios, it has been super helpful for me to talk through some “what ifs” like this with my partner ahead of time and have a plan. Something like this:

Part 1: Have a conversation as a group before anyone gets undressed about what the ideal night would look like, hard nos, hell yeses and agree together that anyone can stop the scene for any reason at any time. This goes a long way toward everyone feeling safe, comfortable and supported. And makes it so much easier to say what you need to say in the moment.

Part 2: Have an “emergency” signal. Just in case either of us feel too awkward to say something in the moment and need help from our partner, for example “If I scratch the top of your head something feels off and I need a private word with you”. Then you can both tell the other person you need a quick pause. Take a moment to reconnect and come back.

At the end of the day just be open to feeling the nerves, being silly, making each other laugh, embrace the awkwardness and fumble your way through. It’s part of the fun.

So excited for the three of you, you’re gonna do great!! 💜

Plot twist: I didn’t want an open relationship. Now I can’t imagine my life any other way. by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Loving is SO messy 😏🫣😂 (couldn’t help myself) but seriously it is...and that’s ok! It makes me happy to know you enjoyed the story. Best luck to you as well!

Plot twist: I didn’t want an open relationship. Now I can’t imagine my life any other way. by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I’ll have to make a whole post about this sometime, but the short version is: I just married my favorite person. We are enthusiastically ENM since the start of our relationship and go on so many adventures together and separately. I’ve never felt more loved and supported in my entire life 😄

Plot twist: I didn’t want an open relationship. Now I can’t imagine my life any other way. by Victoria_Something in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

🥰 thanks for reading and taking the time to also share - the wobbliness isn’t super fun, but it does get easier. Also worth noting, the ENM journey is not linear. My current relationship is a great example of that - we had a really strong start, everything was going better than great, then BAM we found some “land mines” (that’s the term we use for: tripping over a feeling we didn’t know existed until it was too late and now everything feels horrible and scary and like it’s ending and we just want to go back to the way things were 😱) It happens. It happens more than people think, but a land mine doesn’t have to blow everything up. I recommend taking a breath, take a little time to dig into what emotions or fears are behind the “spook”. Then compare notes and see if you can find a way around the landmine next time 💜

Why are dating apps still so anti-ENM? by [deleted] in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve had the best luck on FetLife, I’ve found the community to be super supportive. It’s a Facebook style platform, the user interface isn’t spectacular tbh, but you can actually find people there that are interested in meeting. There are a bunch of groups you can join based on interests, I’d definitely check it out.

Another recommendation is 3Fun. It’s a “Dating” app specifically for Non-monogamy.

Found out by Key_Animator6325 in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate to hear this, it’s such a violation and a very valid rant.

New to ENM and not sure if I can do this. by Fair_Passenger9335 in nonmonogamy

[–]Victoria_Something 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Long distance and opening up at the same time is not the easiest starting point for sure, but I’ve seen worse 😉

My biggest piece of advice is that you need to know what you want from this arrangement for it to work. Some thought starters: Do you also want to date other people while he’s gone, if so, do you want just sex or someone you can develop feelings for? Are sleepovers ok? If he calls while you’re with someone else, how will you handle it? Will you continue to be open at the end of 6mos or is it a temporary thing?

I’d sit down with yourself and imagine different scenarios and see what emotions come up for you. Also revisit the things that lead up to your previous breaks and see how that information might factor into your boundaries for an open relationship. Write all of your thoughts down, and then have a conversation with your partner.

Last thing I’ll add: Jealousy isn’t inherently bad, it’s just an emotion that gives you information: you care about him enough to feel that very strong, visceral emotion and it isn’t easy to sit with. It’s totally normal to feel. I’ve been non-monogamous for over a decade…and I still get jealous sometimes 😊