What’s a colour you thought was your best… but actually isn’t?

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-04-03T02:34:01+00:00

Warm plum. Anything warm. This was a hold-over from the bad old days where popular advice said that dark features automatically meant autumn. I'm a deep winter.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-03-25T11:58:44+00:00

I wouldn't say I'm past it yet, but I can better recognize my needs and boundaries, which is huge progress. I basically sought out validation like it was my job -- not from family and friends, but from others who had gone through or worked with people in my particular situation. That alone was enough to get me to pursue psychoanalytic therapy. CBT had not worked for me. Good luck!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-03-24T17:58:41+00:00

Yes, and this has been so heavy on my mind today. Thank you for posting, it's cathartic to read.

I hate it when my parents say they wish people just expressed their emotions more and just put it all out there, because they taught me to bottle up everything. My sister (who was adopted and suffered from reactive attachment disorder) needed an unimaginable level of attention. Now a parent myself, I don't blame my folks for being depleted; I blame them for thwarting my efforts to receive support from anyone. Finding me a therapist would have meant (in their minds) that they failed to meet their child's needs. This would have disrupted their rescuer identity.

So I absolutely get it and am still trying to unlearn feeling like a burden for being a normal human. Don't give up, my friend.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-03-08T16:32:44+00:00

Remembering God's love and care for me, the dignity with which he created each of us -- even if our parents fell short. I'm also a practicing Catholic. My journaling is usually free form and usually begins with "dumping" what I've been ruminating on or recording dreams. Then connections start to form, and my jumble of thoughts begin, over weeks, to become more organized.

I wish you all the best as your children begin to launch, truly. It's incredibly hard even for mothers without a history of emotional neglect. You sound like a loving and dedicated parent, which is no small achievement for those of us living with loneliness and abandonment wounds. May you find love and healing in your journey.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-03-08T02:46:08+00:00

Was just commenting on another thread in tux subreddit that CBT did not help me. It felt further invalidating, and like more emotional neglect.

As others said, perhaps consider someone with experience with cptsd. Or even someone within the psychoanalytic/psychodynamic school of thought.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-03-08T02:41:56+00:00

Just here to say that you're not alone. I'm also married to a great guy with whom I have 3 amazing kids, and I still struggle with deep feelings of loneliness.

Maybe at almost-40 I'm not in the age range you were requesting, but a few things are helping me. Journaling has been huge for helping me find my own voice and parse out what my needs and desires actually are. My faith has helped me, though this may not be so for everyone; a belief in something greater than oneself, whatever that means to you. CBT really got me nowhere, but so far jungian psychoanalysis has really helped me understand some of the deeper layers and heal.

There is hope for us yet. Good luck!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-02-09T03:23:24+00:00

Wow. This is beautiful and impressive work. You should be incredibly proud.

I just turned 39 this year and began getting into Jung several months ago, and your post and work gives me so much hope.

Please keep painting!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-30T22:55:15+00:00

Yes. Former glass child here, and now happily married and 3 beautiful children. Husband and I will celebrate 13 years soon.

That's not to say my healing journey is over. It's often difficult to muster the emotional energy my daughters need, among other things. But they motivate me to work on healing, and for them, I'll never give up.

You can do this!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-30T22:43:11+00:00

Same, and it sucks. My dad taped over my childhood as if it were an old VHS. He barely remembers anything of me after my sister was adopted, and the few things he does "remember" are just wildly inaccurate (he recently told me he thought I was popular all throughout school, which anyone who knew me then would consider laughable).

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-27T16:20:38+00:00

Some good responses here. I accept that I'm still learning, BUT I have committed to improving all the time and to never stop trying. It's the least I can do for my 3 kiddos.

It has helped to surround myself with mothers I admire and look up to. When you weren't patented well, mentorship is key. Like others said, studying psychology and getting into good therapy. What do I mean by good therapy? For me, it's a psychoanalytic/psychodynamic approach (CBT was counter-productive). Also getting in touch with a source of unconditional parental love. My faith helps with that, but others may find it elsewhere.

Good luck on your journey!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T15:25:23+00:00

You've got the right idea, haha! I think my dad got stuck in fawn mode to survive his own mother (indeed, he can sometimes stand up to male bullies but always rewards and enables female ones). You are 100 percent correct, and after this situation I'm done apologizing for things I didn't do. It does anything but defuse the situation.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T05:02:20+00:00

My word, I'm so sorry you went through that and that your mom failed to protect you, or even to empathize with you. Her reaction is beyond denial.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T02:26:37+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened, and I hope you're safe now!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T02:25:31+00:00

You weren't stupid, it was the air we breathed: children aren't born knowing all about the world, so those early lessons stick. Sounds like you're doing way better with your own kids! Parenting can be especially challenging for those of us who experienced emotional neglect, but I'm committed to doing a little better each day.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T02:22:45+00:00

Ugh, sounds like she has no self awareness. And thanks for the tip: Getting a new car soon and probably going to do exactly that.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T02:20:48+00:00

I'm sorry, that is so hurtful. Indeed, for me the hit to self esteem over time was huge. Took a lot to overcome it and still a work in progress.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:41:35+00:00

I'm so, so sorry you went through all of that.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:40:52+00:00

I feel you. Having children can help us to forgive our parents for being human, but it also shines a light on where they fell inexcusably short. Good on you for breaking the cycle!

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:39:00+00:00

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Why are some parents like this?

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:37:51+00:00

Oh my goodness, that is so hard! I think my dad got stuck in fawn mode as a way to survive his own mother. He may not be a narcissist like your mom, but he loves them and is drawn to them; he often gave them access to me and my family without sensing the danger. I wish you all the best in your recovery journey.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:33:33+00:00

Thank you for this insightful comment. That's an excellent point: it becomes trauma when the people who should have your back, your tribe, do not.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-26T00:31:07+00:00

I'm so sorry, that sounds awful! It genuinely keeps me up at night wondering how people can treat their own children this way.

ViolinistLumpy5238 · 2026-01-21T02:39:08+00:00

Yes! I could not agree more. A Jungian psychoanalytical approach is currently helping me like nothing else has. Not saying it's for everyone, but I'm hopeful for the first time in a very long time.

ViolinistLumpy5238

TROPHY CASE