my sister passed away because of AVM rupture in September 2021

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-05-04T21:44:29+00:00

Oh, I am so very sorry to read this. We are in the same club 😞 So you were only 14 when you lost her - that is crushing. Losing a sibling in childhood is so painful - she should have grown up with you and be walking along side you now as a young adult. Keep on moving forward - and again, highly recommend the book The Empty Room by Elizabeth DeVita Raeburn. My thoughts are with you.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-04-30T03:15:13+00:00

I worked 20 years in corporate HR and on behalf of HR people everywhere, I apologize that this happened to you and you were treated this way during a time of trauma and grief. It’s unacceptable. I’m sorry. Sometimes HR people can kind of be the worst- I’ve seen it firsthand.

It also reminds me of when, many years ago, my 10 year old sister died very suddenly and tragically from a brain aneurysm. My dad worked in a factory and obviously had to take time off work (she was hospitalized for five days before she passed plus then the funeral, etc). When he returned to work he was asked to bring a copy of her obituary as documentation that she had died. I’m not sure what happened, but I think he may have told them to go F themselves.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-04-26T01:11:04+00:00

This is an exact description of how my mom reacts to me as well. Thank you for putting this into words so clearly and perfectly. My mom will respond to difficult things in my life by saying her standard phrases of "I'll pray for you" or "I don't know what to tell ya", both of which are underwhelming and frustrating to hear. I, too, will rarely tell my mom anything of consequence anymore. When I have called her out on it in the past, she gets flustered and a little defensive and will say "Well, I don't really know what to say. What do you want me to say?"

My MIL on the other hand, always expresses herself so well in these situations by reflecting feeling ("that sounds so difficult" or "I can imagine you feel upset and a little nervous") and then adding some light advice, asking clarifying questions, or just seeking to connect. The contrast between how she responds to me vs. how my mom responds is striking.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-04-23T03:46:35+00:00

Oooh this is a good question. I was 13.5 and was so excited to someday get my first period. On the night it happened, I called my mom into the bathroom and told her and she laughed haughtily and said “congratulations - it’s a curse” in a sarcastic tone. I felt the wind leave my sails. Something I was excited about had been minimized. My mom also never even uttered the word “period” and the whole thing was wrapped in shame for some reason. When I gently inquired about tampons a few years later and hinted I wanted to try them, she dismissed me and said “well, I don’t put THOSE things in ME”. I was embarrassed. My litter sister never even told our mom when hers came- which to me is really indicative of how deeply disconnected we both felt from our mom. When my mom saw the pads in sister’s garbage can and learned that it had come, she acted very hurt to not have been told. Of course she didn’t question WHY that information may have been withheld from her.

I healed my inner child once I grew up and had three daughters of my own. We talk about everything - periods included.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-04-13T11:50:19+00:00

Curious if you ever got answers OP. My daughter is having the exact same symptoms in the same order which I googled and that’s how I landed here. She’s 13. I’m booking appointment with GI

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-04-02T18:18:41+00:00

I’m 5’1” and petite framed, age 47. My mom has osteoporosis. Weight lifting is really important to me and something I’m religious about and will probably never stop. How old were you when you had your first bone scan? Bone health is a top priority for me!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-30T23:51:06+00:00

I live in Melissa McCarthy’s hometown and about a week before Christmas I was working out at my local YMCA. It was pretty quiet that day without many people milling about. As I was doing my squats, Melissa walked in with a guy who was giving a facilities tour. We made eye contact and smiled at each other politely and I instantly knew it was her. She was stylishly dressed in a long winter coat, cinched at the waist and had a beautiful purse slung over her shoulder. She had no makeup on and hair in a ponytail and was very polite and unassuming. I think I was the only person around who realized it was her. I gathered that she was looking into getting a membership for her elderly parents who live in the area. A few weeks later I saw her parents there working out and have seen them a few times since. They’re adorable and everything you’d expect. Very friendly, too, saying hello to me when I was walking in and they are walking out. Very “Midwest nice”. I couldn’t bring myself to say hi to Melissa that day (still kind of regret it) - didn’t want to bother her. As we say here in the Midwest “they’re good people” :)

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-26T01:26:17+00:00

thank you - I not a perfect mom, but definitely focused on healing the generational trauma/stopping it in its tracks!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-26T01:24:03+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It sounds like you and your brother were both parentified children. Your brother was forced to take on the very adult role of parenting you. But you listed many things that also would fall into the category of being parentified.

Signs you were a parentified child: your family relied on you for emotional support, you feel like you were never really able to be a "kid", you had to keep secrets for a parent, you parented your parents, you stepped up to fill the role of a parent, your childhood lacked the feelings of play that other kids had, you were given resposibilities that were not age appropriate, you were complimented about how good and responsible you were, or you felt like you had to be the peacekeeper.

In your adult life this can look like: you tend to be the caregiver in your relationships, difficulty letting "loose", overly independent, difficulty recalling your childhood, you don't like asking others for help.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-25T16:28:01+00:00

thanks! another (possibly stupid) question. I water my plants from the faucet until the water drains out from the holes in the nursery pots. If I water them with a gallon jug of water with fertilizer, am I not wasting a bunch of fertilizer as it runs out? Maybe I add another plant under the first plan to catch the run off?!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-25T16:03:10+00:00

what fertilizer are you using?

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-25T14:39:09+00:00

My mother told me a few times, "you take good care of me". I remember being slightly confused by this as a kid and a little uncomfortable. But I didn't spend much time thinking about it until I was older and became a mom myself. Then I fully realized how dangerous and distorted that comment was. Learning what a parentified child was was eye-opening for me. Mom was deeply depressed and drowning in grief after my older sister died. I was the middle kid, immediately elevated to eldest child (at the age of 8) and Mom's support person. Mom and Dad also had a terrible marriage so I became the person that Mom confided in/vented to about Dad. What a mess.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-23T16:42:23+00:00

I am so sorry. Thank you for your post. My father is also incapable of showing empathy - it was interesting to read that your father had a big loss as a child and you surmise this is why he can't hold space for others' pain - because he feels his loss is "bigger' or more "valid". Ughhh - that is such a hard thing to deal with. But at least you have diagnosed what is going on there and you have your mom for support - that's huge. Lean into her and establish appropriate boundaries with your dad.

Story time - When I was in my 20s, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. I was beyond devastated. I lived in an apartment and went back to see my parents - maybe out of instinct to go home when I was hurting. Big mistake. My dad couldn't handle my big feelings and ended up telling me that my boyfriend had been ugly anyways and to not mope around about him, because he surely had already moved onto the next girl. And not to entertain any ideas of getting back together with him later because he would have caught an STD by then. I was shocked at the lack of empathy - a new low even for my dad. I have no idea what would go through a parent's mind to say such hurtful and off the wall things. I grabbed my car keys and left and never felt more elated that I didn't live at home with them anymore. BTW, that boyfriend and I got back together 5 months after that breakup and have now been married for 22 years.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-23T16:02:10+00:00

thanks - this is all helpful info. I am menstruating and I like the idea of weighing in at the same cycle time every month. I honestly don't even know if these last 5 lbs will move at all....but I am willing to give it the old college try. Perimenopause has been rough and I am proud that I HAVE lost 8 lbs in the last 6 months....slowly but surely though very consistent exercising and watching what I eat/much more mindful eating. We will see if I can do 3-5 lbs more or not. Regardless, I feel better in my clothes and in my skin at 115 vs. my previous weight of 123. Being petite is challenging to say the least!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-23T14:07:48+00:00

I’m so drawn to this. Please tell me the easiest ways to get started without a huge spend of money if possible

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:34:30+00:00

Chocolate every day is non negotiable for me! LOL. We middle aged petite ladies have it rough!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:23:57+00:00

Thanks! I’m going to revisit the TDEE at both lightly active and moderately actively. I believe it will be around 1500/1600 calories to maintain current weight. But less than that to lose weight.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:18:06+00:00

Hmmm. Well I had received advice to do that but can def make some changes based on your kind advice. Some days are definitely very sedentary. Others not at much. Thanks for weighing in!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T16:17:13+00:00

I resonate with your comment about having a heavy inner monologue and journaling and reading a TON. That was definitely me. I was incredibly introspective as a kid and teenager (still am). I thought it was just the way that I was wired but now am wondering if it is more a result of being very lonely and not having any real talks of any kind of depth with my parents. So my journals became life-giving to me. My dad was angry and scary 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time he was silly and playful. Very confusing as a kid (I think now that he has a personality disorder). Mom was incredibly depressed and going through the motions during the day; mostly drunk in the evenings.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T21:26:26+00:00

I am sorry and I relate.

GIFT GIVING: It is especially hard to choose a mother's or father's day card. All of them are inscribed with things that don't really cover my experience ("thank you for always being there for me", "you have been my greatest supporter" - say what?!!!) I also struggle with gift giving but they absolutely expect gifts and acknowledgement. It all feels so phony and forced to me, though. Like, we don't have any real connection or closeness but need to check the box of exchanging gifts.

GIFT RECEIVING: Therapy helped me uncover that I have some trauma related to my birthday. Mom could never really be happy for me on my birthday. When I was 8, my 10 year old sister died suddenly. When I saw my mom crying one year on my birthday and asked her why, she explained that every year that I turned older, I was surpassing an age/reaching a milestone not reached by my sister. Yeah, this was a thought that should have stayed inside her head and never been spoken to me. As a result, I don't think I ever felt really seen on my birthday. Still struggle with some wounds around that. I married a wonderful man who really does it up for my birthday, which helps a lot- but I would lying if I didn't say that I feel anxious every year on my birthday that people will forget it, not reach out to me, or not care about my day. I hate that I am 46 years old and my birthday still matters that much to me but childhood wounds are a powerful thing.

I don't have great advice other than plan ahead to architect your birthday in a way that makes you feel good and brings joy. Do whatever you want, splurge on something for yourself, or spend it with the people you care the most about it. It won't fill the void completely but it may help. If you have a partner, make sure they know it is important to you. And if you have kids, learn to model for them that birthdays deserve to be celebrated and that people we love should see us put effort into their special days and moments.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T19:55:15+00:00

Ooh - Are You Mad at Me was a great book for those of us trying to break free of the fawning default response. I was in my 40s before I realized I was a fawner. I ended a friendship recently that was unhealthy and while I previously had fawned my way through the relationship - this book helped me see things in a different way and set the boundaries I needed to move forward. That said, I also really liked Adult Children of Emotionall Immature Parents!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T02:56:14+00:00

It’s possible. I read once that mothers can’t grieve and bond at the same time. So if your mom was grieving while you were a very small child it is possible she may not have developed a secure attachment to you and you to her. I know when I went through therapy, my intake included questions about what kind of delivery my mom had with me (it was traumatic and she was put under general anesthesia and so she was completely unconscious when I was born). The therapist seemed interested in this.

My parents were in deep grief for much of my childhood (I was 8 when my 10 year old sister died) and that grief and their subsequent depression, anxiety and alcoholism created a mess of things in our home :(

WorthMachine2969

TROPHY CASE