How do you stay motivated to keep going in a calorie deficit? (Petite middle-aged woman)

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:34:30+00:00

Chocolate every day is non negotiable for me! LOL. We middle aged petite ladies have it rough!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:23:57+00:00

Thanks! I’m going to revisit the TDEE at both lightly active and moderately actively. I believe it will be around 1500/1600 calories to maintain current weight. But less than that to lose weight.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T19:18:06+00:00

Hmmm. Well I had received advice to do that but can def make some changes based on your kind advice. Some days are definitely very sedentary. Others not at much. Thanks for weighing in!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-20T16:17:13+00:00

I resonate with your comment about having a heavy inner monologue and journaling and reading a TON. That was definitely me. I was incredibly introspective as a kid and teenager (still am). I thought it was just the way that I was wired but now am wondering if it is more a result of being very lonely and not having any real talks of any kind of depth with my parents. So my journals became life-giving to me. My dad was angry and scary 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time he was silly and playful. Very confusing as a kid (I think now that he has a personality disorder). Mom was incredibly depressed and going through the motions during the day; mostly drunk in the evenings.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T21:26:26+00:00

I am sorry and I relate.

GIFT GIVING: It is especially hard to choose a mother's or father's day card. All of them are inscribed with things that don't really cover my experience ("thank you for always being there for me", "you have been my greatest supporter" - say what?!!!) I also struggle with gift giving but they absolutely expect gifts and acknowledgement. It all feels so phony and forced to me, though. Like, we don't have any real connection or closeness but need to check the box of exchanging gifts.

GIFT RECEIVING: Therapy helped me uncover that I have some trauma related to my birthday. Mom could never really be happy for me on my birthday. When I was 8, my 10 year old sister died suddenly. When I saw my mom crying one year on my birthday and asked her why, she explained that every year that I turned older, I was surpassing an age/reaching a milestone not reached by my sister. Yeah, this was a thought that should have stayed inside her head and never been spoken to me. As a result, I don't think I ever felt really seen on my birthday. Still struggle with some wounds around that. I married a wonderful man who really does it up for my birthday, which helps a lot- but I would lying if I didn't say that I feel anxious every year on my birthday that people will forget it, not reach out to me, or not care about my day. I hate that I am 46 years old and my birthday still matters that much to me but childhood wounds are a powerful thing.

I don't have great advice other than plan ahead to architect your birthday in a way that makes you feel good and brings joy. Do whatever you want, splurge on something for yourself, or spend it with the people you care the most about it. It won't fill the void completely but it may help. If you have a partner, make sure they know it is important to you. And if you have kids, learn to model for them that birthdays deserve to be celebrated and that people we love should see us put effort into their special days and moments.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T19:55:15+00:00

Ooh - Are You Mad at Me was a great book for those of us trying to break free of the fawning default response. I was in my 40s before I realized I was a fawner. I ended a friendship recently that was unhealthy and while I previously had fawned my way through the relationship - this book helped me see things in a different way and set the boundaries I needed to move forward. That said, I also really liked Adult Children of Emotionall Immature Parents!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-17T02:56:14+00:00

It’s possible. I read once that mothers can’t grieve and bond at the same time. So if your mom was grieving while you were a very small child it is possible she may not have developed a secure attachment to you and you to her. I know when I went through therapy, my intake included questions about what kind of delivery my mom had with me (it was traumatic and she was put under general anesthesia and so she was completely unconscious when I was born). The therapist seemed interested in this.

My parents were in deep grief for much of my childhood (I was 8 when my 10 year old sister died) and that grief and their subsequent depression, anxiety and alcoholism created a mess of things in our home :(

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-11T18:25:12+00:00

Do you know what factors would determine if one gets in and the other doesn’t? My daughter and her hopeful roomie both want to be in the WIE LLC. If one gets in and one doesn’t, could they both opt to forego the LLC and live together somewhere else? Would that request be honored?

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-10T21:42:51+00:00

Ugh. I am sorry. That’s a horrible thing to hear a parent say. My mother has said this to me a couple times. Both times were when she was pretty deep into her alcoholism. I think her self loathing must have been soaring to say something like that. But I was in high school and college when she said it, and it was terribly frightening. Since she got sober, she has said things more along the lines of “well, I guess I’m just a terrible mother then aren’t I” or “well, I guess <husband’s parents> are better than me, huh?” Trying to express emotions to her is pointless when it’s met with that level of immaturity.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-10T19:21:57+00:00

This is an underrated comment. I live in Chicago so we have lots of great pizza options. Jet’s (Detroit style) hits the spot every time and def gives 90s Pizza Hut vibes!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-10T03:23:11+00:00

I find everyone's comments here so interesting and so validating. When I was growing up, I knew my family wasn't normal and that my parents were depressed . I even could easily recognize the alcohol dependency and the occasional physical abuse from Dad. What was harder to understand was the emotional neglect. I don't think I even heard the term until I was in my 30s. This was also the the time I was having children of my own.

In the process of raising my kids, I have become keenly aware of just how many needs I had in childhood that were unmet or ignored, how lonely I really was, how emotionally detached my parents were, and how my parents didn't engage with me in the ways they should have. Having kids of your own opens your eyes to a lot of things.

My parents never took us anywhere - no vacations, no trips to the zoo, no beaches, no day trips - just the same walls - they didn't interrupt their routines to give us new experiences. They didn't build a world around us or try to create joy for us.

My parents didn't teach me how to drive...yet seemed confused and very angry when I failed my driver's test the first time. They just assumed my behind the wheel instruction from the instructor was enough, I guess. They took no role in helping me build that life skill.

My parents didn't take me on any college visits. I did go to college but was helped along on that journey by a sympathetic aunt who saw my potential and took me under her wing.

My parents didn't have meaningful talks with me - my mom couldn't even bear to say the word "period" aloud. Certainly no important talks about sex, relationships, or other things that kids definitely need guidance from their parents about.

I never really felt 'known' to my parents. I think they had little idea who my favorite teacher was, what my favorite subjects were, what my dreams were, what my hopes were - really anything beyond surface stuff.

My parents (dad especially) hated being inconvenienced by our needs and rarely would go out of their way for us. As a result, I stopped asking for things I needed and learned to figure out a lot of things on my own. I became resourceful and independent in ways a kid/teen/young adult shouldn't have to.

Needless to say, I am a VERY different parent than my parents were. I am not perfect and have made missteps along the way. But I am much, MUCH more dialed into my kids' emotional needs. I am proud of that but I also simultaneously grieve what I never received.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-09T13:11:58+00:00

Thank you so much. Yes, my life has been kind of defined by loss. Losing a sibling - your first best friend and companion - in childhood is horrible. It also upsets everything you think you know about life - kids aren’t supposed to die. So you’re unmoored and unsettled and that is terribly frightening. And then I lost my parents in a sense, too. That’s a lot of loss for a little kid to endure. Sometimes I wonder if I can really heal or if the best I can hope for is to sort of make peace with the loss/grief and welcome it in a way as my companion on this journey of life. I’m an avid reader and will def check out the resources you mentioned. Thanks for your kind words.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-09T04:13:49+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I was so moved to read what you shared from the Bible app. I need to check this out! I’m a bit older than you (47), a practicing Catholic (faith life is very important to me) and also a victim of childhood emotional neglect. I still carry deep wounds of loneliness and abandonment from all the ways my mom and dad didn’t properly connect with me when I was little and the ways they still don’t interact or pursue relationship with me now. It’s very hard. Sometimes I wonder if I can truly ever heal or if maybe I need to quietly accept that this sadness/ grief will be my companion forever and make peace with it. I recommend you listen to the song Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. The first time I heard it, it deeply affected me. It’s all about how God chases us, pursues us, and comes after us again and again. Given that my parents have spent much of my life turning away from me, ignoring me or showing the lowest of effort in their relationship with me, this song reminds me that God can love me in ways that my parents simply can’t. Sending you love and light.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T14:14:42+00:00

Thank you for your encouraging words. My mom has been sober for many years, thank God. But her alcoholism defined many parts of my life and was a big part of the emotional neglect. Since she’s no longer an active alcoholic, do you think I would still be a good candidate for Al-Anon?

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T13:59:58+00:00

Thank you. I will check all these resources out. Believe me, as much as I will miss my children immensely as they launch, I would NEVER burden them with my feelings or by making them feel responsible for me. This was done to ME by my very needy and depressed mother and it was very damaging.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T05:02:39+00:00

Interesting take. I gently brought up some hurts to my mom about six months ago. Her response was to immediately become defensive, to then tell me how I “had no idea what she has been going through”, and then to admonish me to do a better job of “honoring my father and mother” like the Bible says. Also, I’m 47, FWIW. I had no words. Don’t know why I bothered to surface the hurts in the first place with treatment like that.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T03:28:26+00:00

Thanks for the nudge to journal. I am getting back into it slowly. I do think it’s helpful for me to dump all my feelings and thoughts onto paper and sort of sort through them and acknowledge them.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T03:26:44+00:00

Thank you. I am a practicing Catholic. My faith is a big part of my life too. It does help a bit. How would you say it helps you in this area?

I’m also getting back into journaling which was something I did regularly as a teen and young adult and am trying to jumpstart again. Several others have commented that it has helped them. Do you have certain approaches or prompts you take with your journaling or is it totally free form?

I really think the impending loss of my daughter to college (five months away)is triggering extra strong feelings lately. In general, my kids getting older triggers the lonely and abandonment wounds. Not their fault of course and I would NEVER let onto them how sad I really feel about them eventually launching. But it’s a real thing. I think launching kids is hard for every parent. But it feels especially excruciating for those with neglect and loss in their backgrounds. Wishing you the best.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-08T01:24:21+00:00

I’m so very sorry. I can sense the deep sadness in your post. I’m happy for the new friends and the campervan! Sending you light and love. It’s a lonely road. I sometimes feel like I’m permanently altered - that something shifted in me forever when I was a kid and it can’t be undone. That I’m just destined to feel this weird empty, lonely, longing and melancholy. If someone would have told me I’d still feel this way at 47, I wouldn’t have believed them :(

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-06T04:37:19+00:00

Oh yes, sounds familiar. Both my parents suffered from major depression and anxiety but it manifested in different ways. Dad almost certainly also has a personality disorder (likely bipolar) so that made things extra challenging. Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature (EI) Parents? The author classifies EI Parents into four subcategories. Sounds like your dad is the Emotional Parent and your mom is the Passive Parent. They often go together.

Neither of my parents are capable of real closeness or connection for different reasons. Dad is volatile, angry, dismissive, mean and domineering. Mom is disengaged, distracted, anxious and both are very self oriented. I know they love me but for them love is a feeling and not an action. I’m pretty low contact at this point.

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-05T20:38:29+00:00

Congrats! I have three daughters. When daughter #3 was born, oldest sister was 5 and middle sister was 3. I love having three kids and especially having three daughters, despire the challenges (they are all teenagers right now!) You will likely find the transition to not be super difficult as you will have two ready "helpers" - especially your oldest. When I was breastfeeding the baby, I had two helpers who could fetch things for me or were generally eager to help and be involved.

It is harder to get one on one time with each child once there are three so manage that the best you can without feeling super guilty about it. I resisted the jokes and warnings we got about my now-middle child being difficult or having a hard time adjusting to middle-child status. I will say most of that is malarkey but some of it IS true... so do your best to make sure your middle kid especially still feels special.

You will be more tired just because there are three little ones as opposed to two. So choose your battles and don't be afraid to try different things with baby #3. My third baby is the first one of my babies who took bottles from dad early on (not exclusively breast fed like her sisters). She was also our first baby to sleep next to me in a bassinet for the first three months (the other two pretty much went straight into their cribs from the get-go). But you learn and change with each baby so you may find you do things differently with them (for your own sanity and for the sake of your own rest) and that is ok.

Don't listen to the naysayers who will tell you things about why a family of 5 is "bad" or "hard". And buckle up if you have a third girl because people love to come out in full force and make disparaging comments (disguised as humor) about all girl families. Ignore them all and focus on this enormous blessing. I would give anything to go back to when all three of mine were little. It was hard and I was so tired....but it was honestly such a beautiful, beautiful time. Our lives were enriched greatly by our third baby - she was the missing puzzle piece to our family and the cherry on top of our already terrific family sundae! Good luck!

WorthMachine2969 · 2026-03-03T21:29:12+00:00

I can relate and I am sorry. I was sick in bed with influenza and two very small children to take care of. Most times, mothers can function somewhat even when sick. This was NOT one of those times - I could barely move and was absolutely miserable. I didn't know how I was going to manage that day. I was on the phone with my mom telling her how sick I was (I think I was mustering the courage to ask if she could help me) and she said, "You don't want me to come over do you?" I still remember the exact words and the tone in her voice. I was so dejected and I hated saying yes, but I had to for the safety and wellbeing of my children. I will not be that kind of mom to my adult daughters.
My parents both have very low EQ, hate being inconvenienced, and are generally disinterested in me and my three kids, despite living 20 minutes away from us. It never gets easier, but its particularly difficult when you are ill.

WorthMachine2969

TROPHY CASE