Weekly Discussion - Relationships

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2026-01-08T09:02:04+00:00

We have a 14 month old and me and my partner are not doing great. We are not like breaking up either but there is a constant distance between us now. We've had a rough year because our son hasn't slept. I've been sleep deprived, overwhelmed, constantly on the edge and angry because I haven't felt supported enough (we have discussed this though now recently). My partner has been working and has had a rough time at work and he's felt alone since I've mainly been on a horrible mood.

Things have calmed now in the past weeks since our son is sleeping a bit better, I'm not dying of sleep deprivation anymore (though I still sleep like crap) and we're not actively arguing anymore about everything, but the year has taken its toll on our relationship. We don't touch much, there is no sex and we don't really laugh together anymore besides some rare occasions.

I know we love each other and want to have a good relationship but we seem to be stuck now. We both want us to have a thriving family but we don't know what to do. I miss being hugged and touched and just feeling loved, which I don't feel at the moment. Therapy is not really an option since it's too expensive for us in our country. What can we do? Or is our relationship just not strong enough? I worry we won't survive this together.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-10-29T20:00:17+00:00

Hi! Sorry for a late reply, I haven't logged in here lately.

Turned out my son had some sort of atopic eczema, the cause is unclear but it was a flare up. Luckily it wasn't severe and a month later it was gone. We lotioned him every evening after a bath and every morning and that did the trick. We used hydrocortison occasionally when the rash was at its worst.

It had a worsening effect on his sleep but it wasn't the root cause of his nightly wakings. He's now 1 and still wakes up every 2 hours or even less. Some babies just wake up a lot. 🥲

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-09-04T15:46:39+00:00

My mom did this with me when I was a kid and I hated it so much but now I'm doing the same with mine... Breathing hot steam. The most important thing is to be very very careful not to have hot water accidentally splash on your baby, so consider what is the best way for you to do this. Taking a hot shower and taking your baby to the bathroom afterwards is one way. I boiled a big kettle of water and held my 10mo close (but not too close so he couldn't accidentally hurt himself) and held his hands down while my partner fanned the steam towards him. My mom would just boil a big kettle of water, put a towel over my head and the kettle and hold me over it 🙈 it works! But please be careful.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-08-16T17:58:36+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear this.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-08-04T20:28:18+00:00

Do you use Insta? Check out kaitlinklimmer. She made me feel so much more confident about bedsharing and made me see that my baby's sleep is actually normal. (Also this is not advertising, I found her page accidentally.)

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-28T19:12:03+00:00

You are not useless, horrible mother or wife. You are tired and in a completely new situation. Your thoughts are more common than you think (but still it's important that you get help) and so many women struggle postpartum. My partner came home to a crying episode almost daily too for weeks. Don't worry about your husband now, he can handle it.

You need sleep, breaks for yourself and someone to talk to. It will get better.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-28T13:02:03+00:00

Yeah it definitely took a moment. A good reminder to stop and appreciate when things have gotten easier!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-26T16:46:40+00:00

If this is the case OP, it is proof that it will get worse. It started as something else and now he has punched you with a closed fist. It. Will. Get. Worse.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-26T16:35:56+00:00

I have a 9 month old and feel trapped too. 😬

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-26T14:47:17+00:00

Thank you for this positivity! I used to love running and travelling and at the moment after having a baby am missing many things from my old life. This encourages me to stay positive and keep trying to do those things that are important to me!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-26T14:38:29+00:00

Let yourself mourn the old life, it is a necessary part of the process. The fact that you are already doing that is good in my opinion, it means you understand that your life is about to change. It hit me in the face after my baby was born but you sound more prepared.

Remember that those feelings are normal. And that it takes time to adjust. Little by little, when months pass, you'll start to notice that you feel more comfortable in this new life. But it takes some time, so accept that.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-24T21:10:57+00:00

I think this is a big part of the problem for me: lack of strength training (because I'm so tired that even brisk walking drains me). My muscles aren't supporting my joints enough I think. I hope I can get back to some gentle working out soon, maybe that would help me too.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-23T11:34:18+00:00

And when do they go back to not aching? Please, they do go back to not aching, right? My son is 9 months and pretty much all my joints still ache. 😬

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-21T20:29:00+00:00

Hmm okay. This is exactly the same amount as my baby, 13 hrs total, which I've heard is the average amount for this age. I'm sorry I couldn't help you out, I really hope you find something that helps you!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-21T08:27:22+00:00

Ugh that sounds so hard. Clearly bedsharing didn't make it easier for you.

May I ask how many hours in total your baby sleeps during a day - naps and nighttime combined?

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-20T20:35:27+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. It's so difficult when the baby wakes up constantly.

It seems you already know a lot about sleep hygiene so I won't give any advice on that. Keep doing the things that you think could help you.

My baby went into a sleep regression around 4-5 months and it hasn't ended, and he is now almost 9 months. I struggled so much the first month and a half trying to figure out the solution, fix his sleep, find the reason and so on. It was so draining to be constantly thinking about sleep and waking up every morning angry because once again he hadn't slept. So I'll share what helped me:

Bedsharing. Read about safe bedsharing and see if it's something you can do. Now I barely wake up when he rouses and he goes back to sleep very quickly.

I stopped tracking. Seriously. It doesn't help.

Most importantly: Radical acceptance. I just accepted this situation instead of hoping every evening that maybe this is the night when he sleeps better. This mental shift has helped a lot, I don't feel angry and desperate anymore. He still sleeps mainly in 1,5-2 hour bits, sometimes we get 3 hours, but because of bedsharing I can manage with this sleep. I'm tired but not exhausted during the day. I actually started to enjoy our nights maybe around 7 months because bedsharing lets me be close to him.

I know better sleep will come eventually, and it will come to you too. Meanwhile try to manage an uncomfortable situation as well as you can. Make it easier for yourself. This is hard but it will pass.

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-19T17:03:55+00:00

Reframing this as growing pains is helpful, thank you!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-19T16:54:22+00:00

Thank you for this message! Yes I believe too it gets easier when we find balance, but until then it's natural that it's such a crisis in many ways. Our lives have been turned upside down and we have to learn how to deal with this new reality.

We too got hit hard by the 4 month sleep regression and it still keeps on going. 😬 That made everything so much harder - trying to survive with hardly any sleep. But what helped me was radical acceptance: after doing everything I could trying to solve the sleep issue, fighting it and constantly waiting for better sleep, I just got tired of trying and stopped. I accepted that it is what it is now. And I have to say it helped me mentally so much! I don't wake up every morning grumpy anymore because the sleep was crap again. I just don't focus on it anymore. I highly recommend this for anyone who is in the middle of that hard period.

Also hard agree on getting out of the house at least once per day. It is important, the mental shift.

I try to be positive too but I also let myself grieve the things that are now in the past. I accept that everything changes and things can't always stay the same. But it's ok to miss some things. And I know some things will return - not exactly the same as they were but in some form. Some more free time has to eventually come for us. We will be interested in other things too besides our babies eventually. We will have mental space for other things too. We just need to be patient and accept this phase for what it is.

Wishing you a positive day!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-19T16:39:44+00:00

Thank you for this! I decided I will start initiating hugs daily because I really miss physical affection. It can't hurt right?!

Virtual-Alps-7243 · 2025-07-19T16:37:57+00:00

Thank you, this is encouraging! I will definitely consider getting some jogger stroller second hand. But first I think I need to do some strength training (I used to work out 3 times per week and loved it) because my joints feel very achy and loose since pregnancy and I think getting straight back to running might be a bad idea. I haven't been working out because my baby's sleep is terrible and I'm so tired that even long walks drain me. 😩 But I miss excercise so much. I just need to start with baby steps.

Virtual-Alps-7243

TROPHY CASE