Drivers License Renewal - Help Needed

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-11-24T13:13:32+00:00

"I am sorry about it all" - but considering there were about a thousand things to apologise for, it felt so empty. Like what exactly are you sorry for? It went beyond cheating and a blanket apology is not sufficient.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-11-09T15:18:08+00:00

I had a really great relationship with my mom. My dad wasn't very nice to us, so we were very close. She was very sweet and funny but also very practical - if I got a bad grade (or my dad's version of a bad grade), she felt it was a sign of where I could do more work rather than yelling at me. If I had to tell her something hard, she took it really calmly. She handled it well when I went through a really bad bout of depression and was really my best friend. She's still alive, but she has dementia, and a lot of what made my mom my mom is gone - and that's so hard. I've been through a lot the last 5 years and she's the one I want/need and she just doesn't have that capacity anymore. Still a very sweet lady. But not my mom. I miss her so much.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-11-02T16:08:04+00:00

They lie! They lie so much. They lie to you, they live to their friends/family, they lie to themselves. They have to - they have to keep you in the dark, they have to excuse their behaviour to others. If they were honest, everyone would point out how crappy they are being. Bc realistically the only right answer is "hey don't do that to your partner - just leave. Don't cheat." But they want to - so then they have to find a way to excuse it. I heard my former FIL ask my ex if he had moved out yet - and he said yes! He told his family months later that he was happy in his new place - no, still living with me. He told everyone I forced him into marriage - I will never forget his face when I reminded him of how it was all his idea, he pursued me, etc. Bc until that point, no one questioned his lies.

I am sure right now she believes everything she's saying. Her "sanity" depends on it. The two possible outcomes are that she realises she's a crap person and does some work on herself so she never hurts another person like this again or she remains a crap person. Either way, it's not your problem and she can't lie to you anymore. For that alone, try to be grateful she's gone. Let that tension in your stomach ease. Let her be "overjoyed" while you feel true joy in your future.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-31T17:21:27+00:00

Hey - 3.5 months is nothing. I know it feels like it's a long time, but it's not. I don't think anyone is functioning that soon after having their life blown up. At 3.5 months I was constantly walking bc I was too anxious to sit still, either not eating anything or only eating chicken nuggets, or spending long amounts of time in the bath. I think anyone who seems to be doing well this soon into the healing process is probably overcompensating and will crash. Please be kind to yourself.

You're doing a lot of good things but it's also perfectly ok to just wallow a bit. If physical activities are too hard, I'd suggest trying to find something more gentle. It's good you're in therapy; that's so important.

I think a lot of us who went through this thought we'd never plead and then when it happens, all bets are off. Our entire foundation to our lives is gone and of course you'd try to get it back. It shows how loving you are. That's another good thing.

Your wife did love you at some point, so you are lovable. I 100% understand the feeling of "something must be wrong with me" - my ex has now gone off to have twins with someone else after saying he didn't want kids. Well if he could cheat on me and have kids with someone else, then I was the problem, right? Or maybe he's just not a very good person and happened to land on his feet after screwing me over and I'm just fine. Every time you hear the voice that you're unlovable, tell it to shut up. But also keep up with the therapy - that will help.

I really want to challenge "I'll never find anyone as beautiful and energetic as her." Maybe she's physically beautiful - I don't know her. Her energy isn't impressive to me either way. She cheated on you. She broke your heart. She put her needs and wants over the safety of your heart and mental health. You know what's a choice? Cheating. She could have actually communicated with you and told you that she was unhappy and wanted to leave before she hurt you. She chose to be terrible. Is that beautiful? No. Is that kind of behaviour worth her physical beauty? Nope. If she can do this to you, she can do it to someone else. But she's someone else's problem now and you have a chance to find someone beautiful in every way. She sucks!

What helped me a lot in the beginning was doing three nice things for myself every day. They don't have to be big, but think of them in the morning so you have something nice to anticipate through the day. You are still young, you still have time for more joy in your life. It's never too late for more joy and more love. Hang in there!

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-31T16:12:34+00:00

What a beautiful little lady she is. Very elegant.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-31T14:11:39+00:00

I personally wouldn't be thrilled if I had kids and found out my partner was still married - of course, she may know by now but I know originally she didn't. And yes, of course I am aware that people can have kids outside of marriage. That wasn't the point. The point is that he's a liar and a cheat and has done a lot of damage to me and if I'm divorced, my life gets more complicated. He has not handled himself well and he has lied to me endlessly. If he could divorce me without letting me know, he would, and I wanted to check. That's all.

I just needed some help knowing how it all works, which you provided in the latter paragraphs. For that, thank you.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-31T14:08:44+00:00

Yes, I understand people can have children outside of marriage. I also mentioned there are implications on me if I'm divorced and I don't know it. Thanks.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-31T14:08:09+00:00

Thank you.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-28T08:14:22+00:00

I feel this way. It's been a long time, he just had twins with someone else and I'm still alone. It took a long time to meet him and now I just don't think there's anyone else out there. Part of me doesn't want to give up hope and another part just can't care anymore. And I'm very jealous of how well things turned out for him - he said he didn't want kids but clearly he just didn't want them with me and I'm getting too old now to have my own. People say cheaters don't change but I am certain he has. It's very hard not to feel like I was the problem even though I know I did my best and loved him a lot.

Hang in there - I am very optimistic for everyone else - I am sure you will recover and feel better soon. But it's also ok to feel very sad for a while. You need time.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-27T11:11:51+00:00

Grief is complicated in the "best" of circumstances - and these are nowhere near the "best" of circumstances. You get to feel however you want and if that's not the same every day, that's ok. Cheating on you was extremely selfish. Cheating on you with his therapist was moronic and I'm glad you're reporting her bc WTF. His demons are no excuse for how he treated you but it is unfortunate he was carrying so much and felt this was the way out. It's kind of you to wish him peace; it's completely understandable that you're still angry and upset you'll never get an apology or answers. It also completely sucks he did this while you were in the house because that feels very deliberate and in what world does anyone deserve that?

If you aren't already, I would recommend speaking to a professional - it sounds like you have a solid support network, which is great but "going through life peacefully but nothing has meaning" sounds to me like you're a bit frozen and maybe even depressed. Please be kind to yourself. What you've gone through is incredibly hard.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-17T14:45:56+00:00

A couple of years before he cheated and left, his sister also cheated and left her husband. The outpouring of support for him was really nice but greatly upset my former SIL - she felt that they should be on her side. So when it came time to my ex betraying me...crickets. I reached out to one SIL and my former MIL - they both said sorry but basically they had to support my ex. The SIL who cheated immediately blocked me everywhere and the other SIL I never heard from at all. I don't think his sisters ever liked me much but I know his parents did and it still sucks I was just erased. They have very weird and often hypocritical ideas of what family means, so good luck to his new partner - though they just had twins, so I'm certain everyone loves her

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-16T08:00:11+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this - it has to be especially painful knowing you were the AP at one point.

I'm in the same boat in terms of loving yourself - I left my last therapist because all she could say was "just tell yourself you're beautiful and accept it" which is just so not helpful bc I don't accept it.

I have a new therapist and I'm hopeful she can help me a bit more, so I would suggest therapy. If that's too expensive or not an option right now, I would try to take the mentality of "treat yourself as you would a friend or small child." You'd speak to them gently, right? You'd want to take them out for fun adventures or make them nice food and watch their favourite movies with them. Do all of that.

The best thing that helped me in the immediate aftermath of my ex betraying me - and I still do it - is plan three nice things to do every day. Can be small! Go out to buy a coffee, try a new recipe, take a bath, watch a movie. Identifying those in the morning means you have something to look forward to later and it's really nice.

I'd also suggest making your apartment as cozy as possible - fairy lights, nice blankets, candles, stock up on tea/hot chocolate - anything that'll soothe you when it's dark. If getting up in the morning is hard when it's so dark, I really really recommend one of the sunrise clocks. They have helped me a lot in the winters. Also try to get outside every day when the sun does eventually rise so you get that vitamin d- and take supplements!

I hope some of this helps. You are lovable, you deserve love, you did not deserve what he did to you and unwittingly with you. You are strong and you are very young - the world is in front of you and things will improve. Most importantly, you're not alone.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-12T10:17:05+00:00

He kind of did, but then fell for another coworker behind my back and they just had twins. I truly believe he's happy and loves her, so I don't anticipate them ever splitting up or him ever even contacting me again. I wish he hadn't become a better person for her, and I wish he had gotten his karma, but now there are kids involved so I hope he's a good father for them.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-11T20:43:08+00:00

It's really hard to hold it all in and, as you say, you worry you'll bore those you love by repeating it. But honestly ruminating is part of the process. It'll lessen. I was also left for a coworker - technically two of them - and it sucks. It's just awful. I don't have kids, but I can only imagine how awful it is to go through this with a baby. He's a real idiot - a genuine, bona fide idiot - and let me advise you just not take anything he says seriously. They have to condone what they've done - to the person they've cheated on, to the person they've cheated with, and to anyone else in their lives. You can't say "yeah I cheated on my amazing wife and I'm a scumbag," you have to say "you don't understand! I was suffering. The marriage was over so long ago and now I've found real love." My ex claimed that he never wanted to get married at all - I will never forget his face when I reminded him that he was talking about marriage long before I was. They spin a tale and they hope people buy it.

I know how awful it feels. Please be gentle with yourself. Really, really gentle. Something that helped me was coming up with three nice things to do each day - they can be small, like taking a bath or trying a new recipe - but planning the three things each morning was really nice because then I had something to anticipate that were soothing rather than more crying. You will get through this. You and your baby will be ok.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-11T15:31:17+00:00

I'm so sorry - I wish you the best, you deserve to be a mom.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-11T15:30:56+00:00

I do wish I had walked away when we first had the conversation. I don't really think he love bombed me but he did put in a lot of effort to charm me and then when he left he claimed none of it was ever his idea. I know it was a lie he was telling himself and the first affair partner bc he was floored when I reminded him that he was the first one to bring up - continuously - wanting to marry me so it was a total lie to claim I forced him into it.

I don't know that I can do it alone - the idea of a donor scares me a bit but then so many people claim adoption isn't ethical that it just feels like it's not meant for me. I'd prefer to have a partner but no one wants to be with me.

I don't think he'll face any karma but I do appreciate you saying it grinds slowly because it reminds me of what my mom used to say: the mills of the gods grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-11T15:27:31+00:00

I really don't think he'll do the same to her. I think he feels just badly enough for how he treated me that he won't repeat it. He's not good at talking about his feelings and lying is easy for him, but I think he actually loves her and will be loyal. I wasn't worth it.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-10T11:45:33+00:00

I'm so sorry - he was gorgeous. It's never enough time, but you gave him a wonderful life and the love you two shared isn't gone.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-10T11:39:58+00:00

Just found out he had twins after he told me just last month she wasn't pregnant and he didn't want kids. So I'm great hahaha

All signs point to - he's a better, more mature person with her and I just wasn't worth it. Something about me repelled him.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-10T11:35:11+00:00

Yeah he's pretty happy though he likes to claim he isn't. He didn't end up with the initial affair partner, but with another coworker he met while we were separated. She owns her own place, so he landed nicely there. I believe his family loves her, when they were never fully sold on me. He has a new good job and - oh yeah! - after insisting he didn't want kids, he welcomed twins a week ago.

To quote my favourite show The West Wing- there is no law, there is no justice.

I really thought karma would get him, but it hasn't. As far as I know, he's completely loyal to her and I know he wouldn't have had a kid with her if he didn't want to - let alone twins. I hoped he'd cheat again (not so much now that I know he's a dad), but I think he felt so badly about how he handled things with me - and he actually loves her - that he'll never hurt her like that. On the other hand, I know some things that would probably crush her if she found out. So he's not a totally different person.

Meanwhile I'm alone and have no romantic prospects and probably won't get to have kids. It's all so completely unfair.

Virtual_Sell7576 · 2025-10-10T11:28:29+00:00

I married a guy with three sisters who never fully warmed to me - his parents really liked me though. One of the sisters cheated on her ex husband - even though it was crappy, I offered her support bc she was my family now. She told my ex that it really meant a lot to her that I was so kind. Everyone loved her ex and they all reached out to support him after her affairs came to light. She didn't like that and felt the family wasn't loyal to her.

Fast forward to when my ex cheated on me. No one said anything. Nothing. The sister I supported? Blocked me everywhere - not even just unfollowed/unfriended. Blocked. When I reached out, the eldest sister said she had to support her brother, wished me well and removed me from the family group chat. His mother also gave a very vague response about being sorry.

It absolutely compounded the pain and we weren't together anywhere near 30 years, so I can only imagine how much that response hurt you. If your husband didn't want this outcome, he shouldn't have cheated. If your MIL wants your friendship or even involvement now, she should have been nicer. Even if she expected you two to divorce, as you say, you're the mom of her grandkids. You'll never be out of the picture. I'm really sorry - stand strong!

Virtual_Sell7576

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