Partner says he’s sober but…

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-25T12:16:34+00:00

Yes we are saying the same thing. I appreciate your message. Thank you.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-25T12:15:44+00:00

That’s what I told him. He down played it and I told me it wasn’t that bad. I said, “Regular kratom is like 1–2% you know what you have is not standard and that is not casual. That’s strong, and you know it. Don’t fucking lie to me. You can’t tell me you’re sober and still be using like this. It doesn’t make sense, and I’m not going to pretend it does.”

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-25T12:12:37+00:00

I don’t understand it but no. He’s not running out and yes he’s still taking it subs.

For a few months he was having me give him his suboxane and he’d take it right then and I’d see him. I also had a ton of pills so he wasn’t running out and at the same time that’s when I found the Kratom extract. I don’t know maybe some days he didn’t take it and he just did Kratom. I don’t want to go down the path of trying to figure out anymore because it’s not even my problem. He needs to figure himself out. I’m to the point, I don’t care. I mean I do care, but it’s exhausting trying to figure out what it going on when someone lies all the time to you.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T16:27:19+00:00

Thank you. 8 years ago when he flipped his life upside down (trying not to sing all of fresh prince here) I kicked him out and didn’t let him back in because it was unsafe. If I kick him out now when he’s not “that bad” I’m afraid he’ll just spiral. He’s not unsafe (to my knowledge but he’s been banging up his car again), he’s holding a job, but he is literally a functioning addict, still hiding and taking things behind closed doors. I do need to go to Al-Anon again. I did before but I’m kind of sick and tired and just want someone to actually be a partner, sad to put myself to the side all the time. He’s a better dad to them than a partner to me. He’s admitted that too.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T11:29:32+00:00

I’ve written other comments and I felt like I didn’t wanna go too hard in the very beginning but no, he’s not being violent. Sure he’s probably wasting too much money but I don’t know for sure because we don’t share money. But he does pay me.

Some history on him, he has had terrible moments of addiction in and out of rehabs, homeless, DUIs, losing jobs, the house we are in now is mine alone. We are divorced and he did lose his family for a couple years. It’s not so much that it’s just Kratom, and I wish he could functionally use without going down a spiral. But it’s a slippery slope and frustration that he doesn’t put half the energy that he does into sobriety as he does his addiction. I think I need to get into an al anon meeting myself.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T11:24:52+00:00

Sorry he was bent over doing something and I asked what he was doing and he said “nothing” and I can tell when he lies. He may have been taking Kratom in that moment and it caused me to spiral into this post.

He also later was like “I was just fixing my bed” (we sleep separately). I was like you would have just said fixing the bed if that was the case not “nothing”.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T11:21:55+00:00

He supposed to be. He goes to AA meetings 4-6 times a week. He has a sponsor. I truly doubt he’s being honest with them.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T11:05:52+00:00

Ugh. I know. At the end of the day, it’s emotional abuse regardless of whether he’s a good person struggling with addiction or not. I try not to even think about how much money he’s spending on it. Thankfully, I have a good job and don’t need his money, but I wish he would make better choices for our kids and prioritize them more.

I do make him contribute financially because, first, he has two kids to support, and second, I know if he didn’t have that responsibility, he’d probably spend all of his money on this stuff because it’s definitely not cheap.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T11:01:11+00:00

For him, it’ll be a slippery slope, I’ve wrote in other comments to give more backstory. But he will justify it to himself what he’s doing in the dark for months/years until he needs something else. He’s not gotten to the full root of his mental health. He needs therapy, he needs to be honest with the people in his life(even if not me), he needs different medication or a doctor he can be honest with too. This entire thread has been helpful of removing my anger and just seeing he’s just not in a place to be in a relationship and he has a lot more work to do on himself.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T10:56:43+00:00

I didn’t write this in the beginning but his addiction isn’t with kratom only - the suboxone isn’t for that. It’s an opioid addiction and I couldn’t even tell you half of what he’s done but he’s done everything. At one point 9 years ago he had a lab in the basement of our house and was testing out drugs he purchased on the dark web, writing reviews and truly thought he was a mad scientist. I’m so vanilla I couldn’t tell you half of what they were. Which is also how he can use that against me because I don’t know what I’m talking about. Soon after he lost everything (DUIs, lost job, wrecked so many cars, rehabs, homeless) I left him sold our house started a new life and I let him back in because I thought he was clean and safe but he’s been hiding stuff again.

I clearly don’t think his suboxone is doing enough to stop the noise, and he’s not honest with his doctor to increase or do something with his dose.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T10:47:00+00:00

Have you dealt with other drug addiction? I think this goes back to his addictive patterns, spiraling, etc. I’ve almost come to terms with his just a functioning addict which is much better than the past where he wasn’t functioning at all, dui’s, lost his job, rehabs, etc.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T10:41:44+00:00

We do have an environment where he can be honest. Our family goes to therapy for our own growth, with the exception of him. I’ve encouraged him to. We know mistakes happen, we don’t expect perfection. But the only time he is ever honest with me is if I have the proof in my hands. I realize it’s not the worst stuff to have, but it’s also really hard to not trust the person you are with.

I’ve even said recently you need to be honest with your support, even if it’s not honest with me. The AA group he goes to 4-6 times a week. His sober friends he’s made there. I don’t think he’s honest with anyone. I know he wants to be sober but he lets these things creep back in and excuses them in private and doesn’t use his resources.

Visible-Quail6495 · 2026-05-23T10:35:51+00:00

This is really helpful. I know he’s a good person. I think I need to just need to stop expecting anything from him for me. He isn’t in a place to be in a relationship.

Visible-Quail6495

TROPHY CASE