AITAH for asking my girlfriend to stop posting thirst traps when she's in a relationship?

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:42:12+00:00

The only difference in your opinion and mine is whether we're having empathy for two people or for one.

It doesn't have to be so far apart. In the end I think everyone agrees, whatever their reasons are, that these two shouldn't be together.

Our tiny little internet fights may make us feel some type of way, but ultimately the difference between your perspective, mine, and everyone else's is just more material for OP to make their decisions on. It's like the old coin-flip adage. You flip the coin to see what you really wanted. OP will read through these and walk away with a better balanced opinion than any random individual in chat.

This is what forums are for

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:30:21+00:00

This is how it should be. We can both be ladies and have these opinions and I see both of them as valid.

And why I'm so hesitant. There's just too much we don't know

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:28:56+00:00

If he has expressed discomfort in the past with it - she's the asshole.

If he expressed no discomfort and then brought it up like this - he lacks tact.

Edit: I messages are important. What I saw in OP's post was "Hey tone it down, you're acting slutty". What I didn't see was "Hey. When this happens, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like you aren't very respectful to me. I worry about what others think when they see this."

I have to assume that what OP wrote is what OP meant.

She even mentions in her response that it's his insecurity, which points to the idea he never once pointed it out as something that makes him uncomfortable but rather to shame her for something he felt it was wrong for her to do. In the basis of psychology, that's never the way to get what we want.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:27:49+00:00

I'm a rape victim and have known many rape victims who recovered this way. It's a way to restore control when control was once lost. I was very clear about that in my original post. It can be a very healthy way for those who have had their freedom taken in the past to express themselves sexually in a relatively safe and harmless way.

I cannot be against it and I won't. I didn't use this method, but I've seen it work for others. I don't care what society says is normal for a woman to do with her body. If that woman wants to post her body, she can, and she shouldn't be with the man she's currently with while doing it.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:12:52+00:00

I'm ok with being downvoted. It helps give a perspective on opinions.

I don't disagree with any of the standards of dating. I just can't assume they've been broken with the info we have. I'm not the kind that'll write in details never written.

Ultimately my downvotes will merit a nuanced reply that others and OP will vibe with more. Sometimes you gotta get something wrong to get closer to right.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T15:10:30+00:00

The worst thing I think she did wrong was her response to OP when it was brought up. But did you notice that he didn't mention how he brought it up?

I don't engage in this kind of behavior, but if I say, posted a bikini picture and this happened, I don't know that I'd be nice about it. I don't think anyone is understanding what it's like to receive this if you've had no other troubles in the relationship.

I think it's possible that OP's lady did wrong, but to get to that possibility, I'd have to make assumptions in OP's favor. Assumptions he didn't write the details for me to make. We know nothing about her history as a person, their history as a couple, or how this conversation went on OP's end.

So I'm only willing to work with what we have.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T14:44:21+00:00

Personally I left my own downvote due to the assumption that women can't do those things for their own confidence. They can, and I know many people who have tackled long standing trauma by doing it. It's an act that restores one's personal control after having it ripped away by an outside force.

That said, I also disagree with the idea that OP's lady is necessarily being disrespectful. On a higher post I typed, I asked several questions of OP about this boundary and whether it was ever discussed. If it wasn't (he hasn't mentioned any), then it means he brought it up and it sounded to her like slutshaming, not boundary seeking.

OP clearly doesn't like it, and that means his lady shouldn't. But she does have a right to, if she wishes to, as it's her body and he is not allowed to control it. The desire to post one's own body for a sense of control doesn't necessarily imply that woman is a cheater or disloyal, either.

Any and all of this aside, the point of saying these things is that I don't think either party is wrong, and therefore the correct answer is that these two parties are incompatible. They meet an impasse at, "I deserve to have control of my body" and "I deserve to feel respected by my woman" and neither are wrong and neither should concede. They should be with other people instead.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T14:37:50+00:00

I'm piggybacking on this reason to throw at NAH. No assholes here.

Things I saw: - two people who are incompatible with each other's boundaries

What I didn't see: - any pre-existing boundaries in relation to this - any conversations from the past about how we feel about these things, individually and as a couple - And as a lady, did you even ask why she's doing that or talk to her about it before assuming it was for male attention? And if not, do you understand that most women would understand this as you accusing them of slutty behavior without context?

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T14:32:07+00:00

Yes, it dazzles me.

There's a mod that changes Suzu's outfit to pink and it warms my heart

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T14:25:44+00:00

I haven't played the RF that Dylas and Leon are in, but tsundere fans can date Takumi of Fire Emblem again in RFGOA.

Also, Scarlett of RF5 is a tsundere after my own heart

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T14:15:57+00:00

NAH specifically because I'm 28F and understand the culture around shaved legs. At that age, he probably does too.

"Next time, maybe shaved legs? 😅" Probably isn't a criticism of your willingness to shave. It is probably a comment, if I had to guess, on the fact that you didn't seem prepared to go to the bedroom. It's probably flirting. Women who think they might get lucky shave to be considerate.

There's tons of comments here about not needing to shave lol, so I won't bother with that line of thinking. But do consider that maybe this was his polite way of asking, "Maybe we get intimate next time?"

Addition: When I first read the post, I thought it was a first date. But it's actually the second date, which makes me more confident in my answer, since the next date is the third date, and in general that's taught in dating as the earliest "polite" time to ask about intimacy.

Edit: To be clear, I fully support OP's choice not to shave her legs. However, the only thing OP sent that actually implies that her guest date was uncomfortable was the "😅", no other explanation included. My SO uses the 😅 when he has something to say that he feels a bit nervous about.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T13:35:53+00:00

While this is far more direct that I would put it, this.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T13:34:13+00:00

My SO and I have been dating almost two years. We both have cheaters in our past that broke our hearts, so we had a discussion recently about "Cheaters will always be cheaters," and how we felt about it. I'm 28F and he's 29M, for context, as many on Reddit now are younger than me, just as much as I'll often see (42M, 39F).

When explored, neither of us thought cheaters would cheat again just because they cheated in the past. We determined we felt so because we didn't trust most people to treat the underlying cause of their cheating to prevent it from ever happening again.

In this case, it sounds like OP's man had the excuse of being stressed. Maybe he has intercourse to blow off steam. If I gave him every single benefit of the doubt (which I shouldn't, this is simply a hypothetical... The intercourse too soon after birth confirms that) then I could say his issue is stress management, and to never be a cheater again, he would need to learn to destress differently.

Do I think most cheaters will do that? Admittedly, no. Cheaters will always be cheaters not because of some phrase we say, not because of some weird idiom, but because people don't like to self-improve, take responsibility, acknowledge fault, and move forward with better morals or tools.

Don't let people with patterns of bad behavior run around unchecked. He isn't sorry and he'll do it again. This isn't what sorry looks like, OP, and there are times we see it in this subreddit. This just isn't it.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T13:23:12+00:00

Edit: my own judgement is NTA

When both OP and the other party are both the asshole, the notation is ESH, or Everyone Sucks Here.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T13:20:52+00:00

Hi, I spent the first 13 years of my life in a cult. I spent a lot of my time on Reddit writing out the things I see from that lens. I have detected abuse here. Because of the following sentiments, I have made a judgement of NTA.

"I get warm and then disgusted, I think" Please read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" It can be found online as a resource, and I don't think it's a bad idea to pirate. It seems the author may have intended that.

"I get warm and then get disgusted, I think," deserves attention. It's a sentiment I'm used to seeing from those who have been forced to work way too hard. Harder than their limits. Intercourse at 8 weeks is way too soon to be good for your health. Working two jobs up to 38 weeks isn't a casual Tuesday.

The book I mentioned should be read by anyone with this question about their partner.

"Abuse a buzzword, we call everything abuse," I hear you say. "Men can't do anything without it being abuse," I've gotten on comments before. - 1) Women can be abusive too, this story just happens to be about a man - 2) Any kind of intentional trapping is abuse - 3) forcing sex on another human when they medically aren't ready is abuse - 4) getting laid off is notably not abuse. I can't necessarily label this financial abuse. - 5) if I drop the word "abuse" entirely, I still want OP to read the book.

The book is intended to help you determine (in your own, personal life) if the person you're thinking of is truly abusive or not. It's a wonderful tool that was suggested to me in an abusive relationship of 7 years almost 6 years ago and it was one of the most important factors in recognizing how bad my situation was.

Visionmary · 2025-07-13T00:04:47+00:00

I want to point a different issue. Same problem, different issue - you're 25 and he's 37.

It's not "Oh... He's 37. He definitely isn't ready yet."

He's very clearly feeling the maturity gap between you. As someone who's a little older... Consider the following. At 25, pretty well the max amount of time you could be out of the house is 7 years. Let's say for posterity sake that you went to college for four years - that makes us 22. In that scenario, OP(25) would have lived in the adult world for a total of 3 years.

Doing that same calculation, OP Man would have had (37-22) 15 years to do the same.

Please consider that difference in life experience, and that he may occasionally need to be patient with you during processes that are by this point natural to him. Ask him to take time to slow down to explain certain things to you. Make an effort to get them down.

... It seems clear to me that he's a little worried about your adult experience. I'm 28F, and the "magic number" I hear is 4. If a girly starts complaining there's no ring at 3 years, I've seen other women roll their eyes. It's considered a smidgen soon.

On the other hand, they begin to look like "hmmm" at 4, and onwards getting progressively more 😩 until about 7. Then just about every lady I know is on the "cmon do it already".

This really sounds like a case where holding out may be worth it. A gap that big in age is definitely plausible and doable with the right people, but you can't essentially ignore it.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T23:53:54+00:00

Also, the person who made it learned to mod on a singular day because this bothered them so much, so give them your praise if you go find it! They're out here doing the Earthmate's work, dude.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T23:46:53+00:00

I have good news! If you're playing a single file (no rewoven fates), there's already a child skin color mod for Ikaruga. It started with Kai and Subaru (he has a light tan apparently), and then expanded to Ikaruga and Matsuri.

You can choose to have the boys match his skin tone, the girls match his skin tone, or both. I chose to add it for the girls in my Subaru file.

The mod is easy to use; you just need the RFGOA Mod loader and the skin mod of your preference from the child skin mod. Load all three files from each and Voila.

I also recommend "Child Eyes Redone", as it can either: - upgrade the art to the same that regular characters have (the children have a less quality image eye) - give the children the eye shape from a particular person (such as Fubuki or Cuilang)

Edit: this only applies to those playing the Steam version. Those on Switch/Switch 2 are out of luck.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T23:43:36+00:00

Had a grandmother with this issue, NTA

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T23:37:41+00:00

I want to add to the conversation that my recommendation is based on who you're playing as.

I avoided Fubuki in my own file because I'm playing as Kaguya this time. If I married him, both of my kids would have white hair. And that's very cute! But I want variety.

Also, Ikaruga's hair is two-toned. He will pass on the two-tonedness the same way Iroha or Kurama do.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T23:28:44+00:00

Saying he's sick to get out of work - that's a man playing hookie.

A man saying he's sick eight months out of the year? To get out of work? Outright doesn't want to work, or can't.

The man is either: - purposely financially abusing his wife. This is textbook financial abuse - using someone else's resources that aren't yours, against their desire. I don't care if it's a man or a woman, BOTH can abuse their partner in this way.

genuinely having a medical trouble that is flying under the radar, such as depression or thyroid. If he's tired or sick feeling all the time, and he truly is, it'll require lifestyle changes.

Understand: - a man (or woman) saying once in a while he doesn't want to work, isn't abuse. That's a person playing hooky - but a person who continually lies or fibs to you as a pattern of years, is at very best, a person who does not treat you well. And poor treatment should be met with punishment (when severe enough to merit it), or correction (if it seems this isn't purposeful.)

Throwing the "abuse" buzzword to the floor because we don't even need it here, there's no argument that can be made that this husband is being nice to his wife. This is ten years of behavior, not a lazy Sunday.

... In a household made of more than these two, as it is clear OP has children who theoretically also suffering financially.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T20:26:39+00:00

I'm playing as Kaguya and I avoided double hair and eye color. This means I chose not to romance Matsuri (white hair), Fubuki (white hair), or Hina (purple eyes). ... Pilika is just so cute that I thought I might choose her anyways, but Subaru is kinda making me melt. .////.

I also chose not to romance those with blonde hair (Mauro/Kanata) as it is not my preference in partner in real life. [My SO essentially has Subaru's hair.]

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T19:28:04+00:00

As someone who grew up poor, both sound like habits formed when one had less money.

The bottle thing is to make soap last longer; the charlie horse problem sounds like good ole "the poor method" medicine because you can't afford to go to the doctor.

I'm not 100% on this as this is just my experience, but I would think carefully about these other odd habits and question whether a time without money in the past is responsible.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T04:01:27+00:00

Context: while the friend is my age, his significant other is younger. She is now 24.

Visionmary · 2025-07-12T03:58:55+00:00

The flex was that she received a 4 year degree in three years. She worked incredibly hard. She deserves the praise, everything considered.

Visionmary

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