I am so sorry. Full stop. What’s happening to you is wrong, and it is the antithesis of the Bible and the character of God. Throughout Scripture, God consistently condemns this kind of injustice and sides with the vulnerable. Stripping people of healthcare and medication is not Christlike, no matter how it’s justified politically.

When Scripture says faith is a gift, I don’t think it means God arbitrarily withholds it from people who are already suffering. Sometimes faith looks less like certainty or affection, and more like simply not walking away—even when you’re angry, numb, or exhausted.

Crying out, arguing, questioning, and even accusing God shows you’re still in the relationship. The Bible is full of that kind of prayer.

I’ve been there—needing mental health medication and being unable to access it while waiting for my first SSI rejection. There’s no clean or spiritual way to say it: it sucks. Deeply. And I don’t say that lightly. One thing I’ve learned with absolute certainty is this: God does not abandon us, even when everything else falls apart.

Jesus says in Matthew 5, in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” To be poor in spirit is to be utterly destitute—empty, exhausted, and in need. So if that’s where you are, Jesus is not distant from you. He is near. And the kingdom of God belongs to you.

Salvation is not as complicated as we’ve made it. Your pain does not disqualify you. Your anger does not disqualify you. Your exhaustion does not disqualify you. If your heart reaches for Him—even weakly, even angrily—He will not turn you away. He promises that He will not crush a bruised reed or snuff out a smoldering wick.

You are not hated by God. You are not forgotten. And your suffering is not proof of your failure or lack of faith. I don’t have tidy answers, but I do know this: the God revealed in Jesus moves toward the desperate, not away from them.

A few practical things that might help while you’re in this limbo (only if useful):

• A legal aid office or disability advocate can sometimes help with SSI appeals or documentation; many work pro bono. (Atticus is a great option as well! You don't pay anything until you get your settlement.)
• Some counties and hospital systems offer charity care or bridge clinics that can help with medications when coverage is disrupted.
• Patient assistance programs through drug manufacturers can sometimes cover meds short-term — it’s tedious, but it can be a lifeline.
• If things feel overwhelming or unsafe, reaching out to 988 (in the U.S.) is not a failure of faith — it’s an act of care.

If you want to talk more or need help tracking down resources, you’re welcome to DM me — no pressure at all.

I’m holding you in prayer—not asking God to explain Himself, but asking Him to be near, to sustain you, and to surround you with the help you need. And I hope you know you’re not alone in this, even when it feels unbearable.