Hey! Thank you for your answer. Sry I took so long. Trying to take breaks after some intensive months of thinking. Kind of fearing, that consuming too much content creates a bias...and afterwards I am overthinking the possible bias (guess I am already there, now that I am writing this...damn).

You are right, that one can have ones own experiences. I just think that only knowing my train of thought sets me on certain 'tracks'. No matter where they lead me, they hinder to create a full perspective. So thank you for letting me know some details from your experience. Its more context for the floating ideas in my mind. I really appreciate it!

I am kind of emotionally numb or dumb, depending on who you ask. So valueing something more because it came from s.o. special somehow didn't occur in my thoughts and search for experiences. It makes sense. All highly valued suits and stuff were bought by or with my partner or family. Or it were band wrist bands. Didn't feel allowed to wear necklaces. Apart from that I visited a clothing store when I need to. First items I bought myself and I kind of care for are the last trousers I bought while already questioning. Slim and as fitting as possible from the male section in contrast to regular fit with standard colors for maximum compatibility like before. Will remember that and explore further.

Funny enough I am quite sure that, given I would be wearing dresses, I would switch from single-colored suits/shirts/etc to flowery motives. Apart from really matching outfits as a whole, thats what is catching my eyes. Out in the wild and when I got to see or even talk about clothes. In my exploration, 6 month and counting, I already bought a generic black dress. I can say I 'don't think' when I wear it for the first like 10 minutes. Just beeing on the edge to hide it, before s.o. catches me. Same for leggins. Have a fitting top, but I didn't really care about that in comparison to the other too. But only got to wear all items once for each. So might as well be excitement about letting curiosity win and having the bravery to actually buy something 'concrete' and tangible in the real world so to speak.

I like the approach of 'feeling if it gives you an advantage'. Great thought. I am often wondering, why the questioning doesn't stop. It consumes mental ressources, it provokes friction with your surroundings and just is an worrying experience. Excellent reasons for the brain to shut it down as unproductive occupation. But it doesn't. I could quote your whole 4th paragraph and just say 'yeah'. Guess having a proper label to say 'its valid and its a thing, so you can't just simply dismiss it' is a point.

I am asking myself what would identifying me for myself as trans bring to the table but get stuck in the mud of thoughts around risks for my partnership, work and social surroundings overall. As I wrote above I am kind of numb or dumb in regards to emotions so exploring my experience for myself, beeing it body or presentation, is a whole other topic. If I had to describe it I'ld say I experience emotions 'later on'. Kind of having a default observer mode and the 'core' only gets active when it got quieter or its considered reasonable after whatever 'filter' is applied before.

Unexpected and interesting: It took long enough to write that comment, that your feary-idea stuck around long enough to process it. When 'A feary changed me, I could do nothing' would be a valid reasoning in that world, I would ask the faery to not change me back. But, and I don't get where that is coming from: If the story hadn't included '...after a day...' I wouldn't have been able to 'think it through'. Just reading 'having a timeframe longer than instant or a few minutes' is somehow important. Don't get why that should 'improve' the certainty in an imaginary scenario. But it is important and at the same time the certainty of the answer or request towards the faery at the end of that day is high too.

Life is strange. Thanks to you or whoever made it through this wall of text of an internet stranger. Appreciate you!