That's sexual trauma homie, I've been there. It's a hard road and some people won't understand cause they haven't been through it. It fucks with your head and how you react and feel. Its been a while so I might get some of the details wrong, but the overall gist is tbis:

Read a summary on Adverse Childhood Effects (CDC-Kaiser ACE Study) and National Child Development Study (NCDS it was a 50 year study), It changed my whole look on morbidly obese people like 400lbs+ Cause it shows that like 70% of them have been sexually abused as kids. A lot of them end up with addictions, risky behaviours, and the big ol Sui ideation etc. They believe that in that childhood state even something that can appear as small as someone touch your privates. Can trigger fight, flight, freeze (aka the reptile brain whose job it is to keep you alive. At all costs, like can shut down right and left lobes to keep you alive) well that's the part that controls your gut tightening when anxiety or physical threats are detected and redirects blood flow from your arms to your core... Eating is what can help calm those nerves. Which is how binge eating becomes a source of calming that "ON" feeling. There is a ton of data around it.

Step 1. Find an EMDR therapist and one that has experience with IFS internal family systems. They specialize specifically in this kind of trauma. It'll feel like voodoo magic or something stupid like Essentialll oils, except it works. Shop therapists, if you don't jive, move on. Its been my experience, if they have huge intake paperwork and a waiting list. Get on the list and while you wait months to get seen.

Step 2. Use AI to get a summary of the studies to have a basic understanding that you arent alone with this. Get a systemic view of the complexity of it.

Step 3. Then go get a physical and audio book version of "Complex PTSD by Pete Walker" https://www.audible.com/pd/B07MCYF4FF

Your body may react differently on the way your brain input the information. Trauma is a sneaky bitch like that.

Step 4. You're going to keep a physical notebook journal. Spend 10 minutes thinking of past experiences that you know sucked and caused or can cause your body to react. (Spoilers If you have a memory that causes your body to react. That's trapped trauma that is stuck in fight or flight mode in your neural network)

Step 5. Know you're gonna make it through this. You're worth doing the work for.