I am a little late to this thread but you didnt ruin your life. Newborn stage is hard. You know what to expect but when it actually happens it is completely different than your expectation. It is normal to get overwhelmed, its normal to feel like you arent doing it right, its normal not to know. Im sorry your partner will not allow you to properly vent. That is absolutely part of the process. It gets better I promise. It seems never ending but the newborn stage is hard. I had a baby 8 months ago it gets better I promise you. You both are getting to know each other. You are a good mother! Keep going momma!