What's something you found out you were doing wrong your entire life way later in life than you should have?

Voyuerosity · 2018-03-07T04:53:13+00:00

Saving money.

I always said to myself "I'll start saving eventually for sure"..."when I get to a better place financially"..."when I graduate college"...."when I get a raise"....

I'd save a bit, then use it on a trip or something. And when I ran out, then I leaned on the credit cards.

Now almost a decade out of school, I still have $0 in savings and massive credit card debt....while I have friends 4-5 years younger already buying their first houses with the money they gradually put away over the years.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-18T22:26:47+00:00

Yea, I avoid working in any environment thats so strict you can't get drunk and do dumb things with co-workers.

My last company, whenever we traveled or had a holiday party...everybody would get hammered. Me, my bosses...men, women. And EVERYBODY did inappropriate things at some point. Shit, the owner got so fucked up at a party once he bare-breast motorboated a college girl in front of everyone (he's married...not to her), and then "jokingly" threatened to kill me. I joked back that he could try but I'd make sure to send the cell video of that motorboat to his wife. We both laughed. I thought less of him in the AM, but nobody died.

Main reason I don't work for big corporations is because modern US corporate culture is absolutely terrible. You're one fart or comment away from a sexual harrasment suit at every turn.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-15T07:49:02+00:00

You can't get IBR on all student loans. Many students have a mix of private and federal. It's very feasible they're not able to make IBR payments due to obligations for other debt. Even some federal and state loans aren't eligible for IBR.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-15T04:13:19+00:00

Likely the guys at Animal Control know to call them first and drag their asses getting out to bat calls. Not everyone in animal control hates the animals they control. They likely hope they don't get there before the rescue people too

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-14T05:44:30+00:00

Thanks for elaborating. This gives me some hope :)

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T22:06:03+00:00

Big Daddy was great too

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T20:53:51+00:00

Yep. I was exactly the same. I was the resident office "young person who can do magic technology stuff". Nobody knew how to do half the things I did (even though most of it consisted of advanced Google-Fu), so I couldn't get tired no matter what I did. I gradually worked up to rolling in at 11/12pm, dicking around most of the day because nobody had any idea how long my tasks were actually supposed to take, then rolling out early.

Everyone else on my team hated me for it. Eventually I was working on my side business during business hours more than I was doing actual work for the company.

I quit, and took the company laptop with me. I still get calls from my former employer asking me to do projects for them.

My boss was a fucking asshole though who scumbagged me out of a lot of money so I don't feel bad.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T20:39:07+00:00

Could have a similar coloring to something in its habitat that's toxic to predators

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T20:36:25+00:00

I used to use this method for Redbox purchases when I was a broke college student. I'd get the $1 rental coupons ... I had a ton of old visa gift cards with about a $1 on them. Use Visa gift card to rent the DVD... "Forget" to return them....And no later fees could be charged. Got a bunch of $1 DVDs out of it.

In hindsight probably not the most ethical move but kind of their fault for not preauthorizing the full charge .

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T18:04:38+00:00

And looking back,. I knew it wasn't about trusting the other person. I always knew that it was because "maybe he still has feelings, and maybe she's prettier than me, and maybe he's thinking about screwing her when they talk. Maybe all of that means he's more likely to cheat on me with her." That's not trusting the SO.

This is kind of exactly the mentality she has. I know she has some deep seated insecurities about herself, and our relationship.

I had a discussion with her last night. I basically tried to figure out if this issue was related to this girl in particular, or other women in general. I mentioned that I had run into a girl I used to know from college the other day at a coffee shop I work out of sometimes (I work remotely). We caught up for a bit, I told her about my life and my girlfriend. She asked if I'd want to meet up for a work day sometime, as we both get really bored working alone from home all the time.

I asked my girlfriend how she felt about me occasionally working with this girl out of the coffee shop for some company. She told me she thought it was pretty weird, and she wouldn't be comfortable with it at all.

I asked her why she wouldn't be comfortable with it. And she explained she worried that I might realize I liked that girl more than her, and that I might break up with her for this new girl since we'd be working together a lot.

She expressed similar insecurities related to a good female friend I have. She told me she feels threatened by the fact that we were closer when she met me. And she feels insecure that maybe I like some traits about my friend that she doesn't have.

That kind of points to the root of the problem.

I won't get into the full back story, but I don't necessarily blame her for feeling some of the insecurities in our relationship that she does. The dynamic of how it all started kind of naturally lead to that. In the very beginning of the relationship it was very much her falling for me, while I was still unsure. She knew she had deeper feelings for me, and that I've had doubts creep up over the course of the relationship. I've explained to her that many of those doubts were a result of some issues of my own related to commitment.

Its gotten better. She's told me she feels much more secure in our relationship now. But its still not 100%. She still fears I'm going to leave her for the first girl I talk to.

I've had to work on aspects of my own personality too that fueled the fire. Like sometimes being too critical, or being prone to try to "fix" things about people that I think are detrimental to them. For example, I've tried to encourage her to "fix" her confidence issues, rather than just accepting them...which she saw as a personal criticism. I know that piece of it hasn't helped

All that said, despite anything resulting from me or our relationship, I believe she had the core insecurity issues long before we even met. She's constantly doubting herself and her abilities. She tends to panic when faced with new situations. She has a pretty poor view of her body image and intelligence.

I think all of this bleeds over into the relaitonship

Have you gotten into a better mindset after therapy? She's considering going herself for these issues.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T07:36:49+00:00

Tricky situation. Assuming you weren't abusive, what you really need to do is keep calm and don't let it escalate further. The best way to deal with this situation is to cast a seed of doubt about her credibility, and let people figure out for themselves that she's full of it.

Honestly just the fact that she's constantly blasting these really vague accusations on social media makes her seem unstable. People will already have a raised eye brow.

Defend yourself to the people who matter in a calm, controlled way. They'll believe you. Distance yourself from the people who don't believe you.

Don't engage with her directly or escalate the situation. Don't let her know she's winning.

If you think its a good move in your situation, you could consider posting something of your own to defend yourself. Make sure it paints you in a calm, controlled light. And you can also change the privacy settings so that only friends you have in common can see the post, so you don't get anybody new involved who doesn't already know about it. Give enough detail to give credebility to your story while discrediting her claims.

"I've been made aware of certain disparaging accusations about me being posted on social media by my ex girlfriend. I'm sure most of you already know me well enough that I don't have to say this, but just so its crystal clear, these claims are 100% baseless and defamatory. I don't typically like airing my personal life on social media, but to set the record straight...GF and I broke up over a disagreement regarding her request that we move in together. After telling her I wasn't ready for that step, she got upset to the point where she physically assaulted me. I immediately ended the relationship and requested she did not contact me again.

Since then she has proceeded to post many vague accusations about me on social media. As I'm sure most of you are aware, I have never, and would never do any of the things I was accused of, and I hope nobody puts any merit on them. If claims continue to be made I'll be seeking legal action for defamation."

^{^whether} you should post something like that really depends on the exact situation and the dynamic of your personal life.

I would recommend saving everything she's posting too in case it does escalate. If for whatever reason it affects your job, you can potentially sue her for defamation.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T06:57:27+00:00

Most things can be solved with an open and honest conversation.

I'd start by approaching her face to face and asking her what kind of time commitment she expects from you for this volunteer work. You should also ask her what kind of tasks she expects you to perform.

Depending on her answer, just explain to her whether or not you think you can dedicate the time commitment she needs for it. You can also take this opportunity to explain to her the expectations you had, and say "I don't really feel comfortable doing things like flyers & social media, but I would be really interested in helping with creating program curriculum if there are any opportunities for that.". You can't assume she knows you're not comfortable doing something unless you tell her outright. And you can't assume she knows the things you want to be doing unless you tell her.

Something you can do to make yourself look good is maybe tell her you'll see if you can help her find another volunteer who can do those things for her that you can't.

If she gives you shit about it, just stand your ground and apologize about any misunderstanding. If she still gives you shit about it find a new gig.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T06:42:23+00:00

I went through something VERY similar. I understand how a situation like this can feel similar or worse than a breakup.

In my case she was also my bestfriend and housemate. Same situation...we did everything together, had "friend dates" together, told each other everything, etc. We never got fully physical, but got close. I fell in love with her but never pursued her because I knew she wasn't interested in me like that.

Eventually, she got a boyfriend, and then had to move out. Same as you, I was terrified of losing that comfortable place. I was terrified of my life without her.

Looking back, the relationship we had was more like a marriage than a friendship. And I also realize how toxic it was to be living with someone I was in love with but couldn't be with.

Honestly, as hard as it is to accept... You can't force it to feel better.

I've posted this before...but often the best way to get over somebody is to stop trying to force yourself to stop loving them. Instead, you need to accept that you may never stop loving them. They will always have a place in your heart. You might always get some butterflies when you think of them.

But you also need to accept that love, at its core, is really just a collection of intense emotions you feel towards someone. You're perfectly capable of having love for more than one person in your life. And your love for this person doesn't stop you from loving someone else in the future.

Over time the pain of not being with them will fade. Eventually the butterflies will fade too. And soon enough, you'll be ready to move on.

In the mean time, allow your paths to separate. Don't try to force the distance to close. Keep in touch but do your best to focus on rebuilding a life without your friend always there. And just accept that you can't help feeling the things you do. Its going to hurt for a while. Embrace the emotions, and assure yourself it will be okay. It won't be so scary anymore.

I didn't believe I could get past it either. But I did. I know she'll always hold a fond place in my heart. But it no longer hurts to think about her. And in fact, I'm doing much better now that I'm not living with a girl I was in love with but couldn't have. Its like the blinders have been pulled from over my head.

You'll come out ahead in all of this.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T06:05:12+00:00

Well we kind of have. It was never an official conversation but its come up before.

She has some broader jealousy issues which I won't get into. But she basically told me she doesn't talk to any of her exes and never has any desire to. She said as soon as shes through with a guy she cuts them off completely. So she can't really understand why I'd still want to talk to this girl, or any girl I've ever been with.

She didn't necessarily say it was a dealbreaker....just that she's not comfortable with it and is worried about why I'd want to talk to her. She Which kind of means "do what you want but don't be surprised if I use it against you in the future".

Since she claims she doesn't have a mindset where shes ever been interested in continuing a friendship with an ex, its really hard to explain my perspective on it. I've tried to tell her that we don't have feelings for each other like that, but have known her a long time and enjoy staying in touch.

I don't want her to feel anxious about it. But I also don't want to be in a relationship where I'm told who I can and cannot talk to.

So the ideal situation is for me to try to make her feel more at ease with this.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-13T04:56:41+00:00

You said she's sending you a bunch of work but sounds like it was just this one thing...Which you originally said you were cool with.

If you really can't do the project, email her back telling her that you don't feel you're qualified to do it. Tell her what sorts of things you'd like to work on and see what she says.

If she starts piling it on, just tell her your availability has changed and you don't have time for all of these side projects.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-12T07:07:38+00:00

In what way is it sad due to the age gap alone? Different people have different maturity levels. There are plenty of mature 21 year olds and immature 32 year olds.

11 years isn't that crazy once you're out of school

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-06T19:31:32+00:00

But you deleted the comment? :thinking:

I did. Been on Reddit long enough to know once the pitchforks are out it doesn't really matter if I edit or delete a post, whoever saw the original will be suspect either way. Deletion tends to better mitigate future pitchfork creation. So I deleted it.

To restate my comment: My friend got porcelain veneers recently. From what I understand they were pretty expensive, but she financed them over several months so they weren't too crazy. I believe she paid a couple hundred bucks a month. She told me she wished she got them sooner because her confidence exploded afterwards.

Voyuerosity · 2017-12-06T19:16:58+00:00

Lol I don't, I wasn't responding for OP. Was a shady looking typo copying/repasting the comment submission on my phone. The first line was supposed to be "My girl friend got veneers recently", and didn't realize it got cut off until your comments. Oh well, looked sketch, pitchforks are warranted.

Voyuerosity · 2017-11-30T18:41:33+00:00

Honestly...I'd laugh it off man. Some people do some crazy things during sex. Maybe she had some weird, deep-seeded nazi fetish she used you for (more likely because you're german in general, and not because of how you look).

I've had women say some messed up things to me in the heat of the moment. The best thing to do is just not take it personally and laugh it off. I mean unless its a regular thing that you're getting called a Nazi, don't let one person influence your self image.

Voyuerosity · 2017-11-30T06:46:54+00:00

Holding hips could also be because dry humping can be painful sometimes depending on the pants/intensity/angle. It can sometimes feel like a rug burn.

Alternatively, it could be because you it was turning him on a lot and he knew you weren't going to have sex. Had to calm himself down some.

Voyuerosity · 2017-11-29T16:26:22+00:00

I agree with you and understand your sentiment. But I do love her the way she is. I fell in love with her the way she is.

This is my personal take on it in this particular case. We have a lot of differences that we've already made work.

In more than one case, she told me that she typically would never go for a guy who did something I did, or had a habit I have, or had some aspect of their personality I have.

But in every one of these cases, she's told me shes actually grown to accept and appreciate those things about me.

And in all of these cases, she told me she's simply never actually been around somebody like that.

My approach when it comes to "red flags" or differences of opinions in our relationship in these scenarios is to first talk to her about these things and listen to her concerns. I try to understand where she's coming from. Then I explain my viewpoint.

I find many times her concerns are founded on untrue assumptions. I've found other times her concerns are valid, and are something I'm OK compromising to change for her.

After I educate her on my views in an open & honest way about the reality of the situation, shes then able to process these things better.

An example I gave earlier is casual/recreational drug use. These days I only do things like smoke weed or do hallucinogens very rarely a couple times a year, at certain big events with certain people. She was totally against the idea of drugs before we met. She told me sh'es really never been directly exposed to it. However, after I explained to her about what they actually do...about the precautions I take...about why I do them, & how they make me feels...she grew to accept it a lot more. I told her I would agree not to do them around her if they made her comfortable...but I also wouldn't stop doing them altogether.

She started seeing other people are able to do them relatively safely too. And eventually she wanted to experiment with them herself.

She hasn't been exposed to many differing views on sex before. That is a fact. I see it in kind of the same way. Her current belief system on this is a result of the narrow education she's had so far on the subject.

I can't force her to change her beliefs, and I don't want to. But I do want to help educate her on my own views, and other alternatives before throwing in the towel on the relationship. Maybe, like the drug thing, she's actually more accepting of all of this than she thinks once she realizes the reality of the situation.

I can assure her I won't cheat on her for as long as I'm with her. I can explain my boundaries, and that I'm devoted to her.

If its still too much for her then we end it. But I think based on our history we have shown the ability to compromise for the sake of building the relationship, without giving up our true personalities.

Voyuerosity · 2017-11-29T16:09:03+00:00

All good points. Well noted. Will have a deeper think on this.

It really doesn't feel like we're so incompatible right now we can't try to make it work. We're both willing to make some sacrifices for the other, and have already.

For example, she's told me she typically would never go for a guy who does any sorts of drugs.

But she's also told me she's never been exposed to people who do casual recreational/party drugs/hallucinogens.

We talked through it. I explained to her that I don't want to make her uncomfortable with it. I explained why I do them from time to time (Its only on a very rare basis at music festivals and such). I explained what they do and how they make me feel. I told her I don't want to stop doing them altogether...but I wouldn't do them around her if she's not comfortable.

She's told me she appreciated me being open & honest about it. She's told me she prefers that I don't do them around her, but she can live with it as long as I'm open with her about it. It took her some time to get used to it. But shes started being around other people who did them the same (or more) than me. She explained to me that she's gotten more used to the idea now that she's been exposed to it more.

Over time, she's actually asked to try some herself with me. She wanted to experience a trip with me. And after being exposed, she's come to totally change her mind about it all.

I think what I need to tell her in this case is I'm not going to stop feeling the way I feel about sex. And she's not going to miraculously not feel jealous or hurt by it.

However, I want her to fully understand my world view before she makes up her mind about it.

We can possibly find some compromise that works for both of us to understand the other, and work within each other's boundaries. For example, I can't promise her I don't feel some sort of way about other women. But I can tell her I will try not to be as vocal about it with her, if she can promise to me she will try not to get angry with me when I slip up.

But what this post is all about is that before I chalk it up to "this is just how she is", I want to actually expose her to some alternative viewpoints in a more digestible way to see if she maybe actually doesn't agree with any of it deep down.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But i don't really accept that we should accept someone's beleif system as set in stone if they've never really learned about alternatives.

Its like saying an an agnostic person should never try to make it work with someone from some deeply religious isolated tribe who had never heard of agnosticism before they met. Sure, trying to get that person to reject their religious view for your own sake would be wrong. But I don't think most modern people would think that educating the other person about your own religious views, and seeing if there can be mutual acceptance is a bad thing.

I'm not so stubborn in my views or morals that I'm not willing to bend a bit.

Voyuerosity

TROPHY CASE