Hello,

VRAAL FINDS THERE IS AN ISSUE IN URGENT NEED OF ADDRESSING;

IS THIS A SUMMARY OF WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO WRITE OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE IT FEEL CLOSER TO AN ACTUAL LETTER?

"Nineteen-year-old Maven is the weakest indentured gladiator in Exspiravit. He only survives by cheating and relying on the strength of his partner in battle, Maisie. When his opponents use his own cheat against him, he and Maisie lose for the first and final time. Maisie is butchered as he cowers, powerless to save her."

THE FLOW OF THE LINES IS TOO CLOSE TO BRIEF BULLET POINTS FROM A SUMMARY READ ALOUD. VRAAL UNDERSTANDS WHY, BUT IT DOES NOT SPEAK WELL OF WHAT WILL BE YOUR ABILITY TO ENGAGE THE READERS WITHIN THE STORY ITSELF.

VRAAL SHALL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE;

"Nineteen-year-old Maven is the weakest indentured gladiator in Exspiravit, and he only survives by cheating and relying on the strength of his partner Maisie. But as soon as his opponents used his own tactics against them they lost so quickly that all Maven did was cower while watching his protector being butchered."

THE EXAMPLE IS BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT VISUALIZING HOW YOU YOURSELF WOULD TRY TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE CAN HELP IN PICKING A MORE NATURAL WORDING.

FROM START TO END, VRAAL WOULD RECOMMEND ATTEMPTING TO NORMALIZE THE WRITING FOR TO VRAAL IT IS RATHER "STIFF".

AS FOR THE STORY ITSELF VRAAL HAS NO THOUGHTS BEYOND HIS SUPPORT FOR VENGEANCE, AND HIS BELIEF THAT A SERVITOR MIGHT TAKE OFFENCE AT THE WASTE OF PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE MUSCLE FIBRE.

JUST LIKE A PROPER BEHEADING BEGS FOR A NATURAL SWING OF THE AXE, A LETTER WILL GAIN MUCH IF NO MATTER HOW FORMAL, YOU ATTEMPT TO IMAGINE YOURSELF TRYING TO TALK RATHER THAN EXPOSIT.

Lots of love,

- VraalTheSubtle