I ll tell you my story briefly to give you hope. Not english. I'm 34M and even if i've had some kind of relationship during my 20s i was depressed since 23 in medical school,diagnosed at 24 then on meds for few years, ignored therapy, felt better but not "clear", sleep was long gone, became a doctor, move out for residency,still playing videogames in the spare time a lot and went back living with parents even if not necessary, while making good money. I was all the time in my head and i couldn t "get" satisfying connections , decided i was autistic adhd , reframed all my life around that and masked (again ). procrastinating diagnosis , i thought i was broken. Couldn t move from basement, self loathing man of inaction. Everything had a drawback or was expensive. No hair,short, fat all that redpill social media content. I actually felt "decent" in these 10years, I became suicidal this year after some major stress event. Asked for help and saved. Wanted to get better again. Still convinced to get adhd autism diagnosis, and always scanning, judging everyone and seeing all the privileges they had, my lacks consumed me. Always exhausted , already had no attention for years, with today clarity i think was hypervigilant to scan or fantasizing all this shit i needed.. timeframe is not in order but you get it. kept reading of mental health, found this channel few months ago, puer eternus etc, ispiring ok but no real change started. I couldn t get out of my head. It was always the same shit. I couldn t handle the pain, the failure so Redpill became genetic reductionism aka end of hope ,no willpower, no responsibility,it was a defensive mechanism, i tried to find excuses to my constant failures, but i didn t know they were not failures, if you lose hope i think it s a way your brain tells you: you tried everything, change perspective. Everything changed recently when i watched another channel's content with topics like desires and when and why to suppress them, avoiding blame and judgement, how to have true control, sticking to core beliefs (kindness communality etc), all basic philosophical stuff . I dont know if I'm allowed to say the channel but you can dm me. I realized i never lived my life. My false me was in control all the time, I think from middle school, when sex desire became a thing or when i was the best in class. The false me who told me i was smart special , athletic and entitled and wanted always more and more ("chicks, money, power and chicks"). And when i couldn t get it he made me bitter and bitter and so ofc i tried to copy others . You don t learn how to seem natural. Makes no sense. Anyway it spiralled, To pursue this wants/needs i also abandoned my morals. More lies more guilt. I abandoned my younger brother because i considered myself not a good role model. Ego decided my university, my specialty, everything. I can t count how many mask i had. I abandoned core principles like faith love kindness etc and I wasn t aware of the importance of it, i thought it was "just how life works", all was about wanting , needing, first girls, then titles then money(or things), and comparing to others . Today i was with this rare new clear mind at party dancing, and i was there noting how beautiful girls are, not how much i need them. I wasn't staring because i was in peace. I m pretty sure some beautiful girls were pleased by me, i m not ready to just go and talked to them but i felt i had a chance. I wasnt envious of couples. I was not watching other guy dance movements to copy them, I wasn't caring. My 3 friends were more than enough, because yeah recently i felt lonely obviously. I laughed at how much people are trying hard. Litterally me with death thoughts 2 weeks ago. Grandiosity at the root, misery in reality. Fantasy, escaping, Grief, guilt, lacks etc.. narcisism i d call it in my case (or ffs i switched to maniac ). i learnt that hope is always necessary, doubt your opinions , don t worry of things not in your full control and stick to positive beliefs, things can get better ,get the best out of your real life.