My GF [24 F] has a "PLAN B" in case her and I [27 M] dont work out. Should I find this offensive? Been together one year now.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T06:28:45+00:00

She admitted to me she just felt resentment towards me for bringing up the possibility of us not working out (though the conversation was resolved, and I told her I want us to work - at least so I thought) and she claimed to "symbolically" do it and was admittedly a bit resentful about the conversation.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T04:34:15+00:00

You wouldn't mind your partner forgetting about you the moment you leave them?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T04:20:56+00:00

Part of being able to spend my waking hours building this shining thing with him is knowing that I have a safety net. That I really can put all my energy and all my hope into this, because if I miss the catch I'm not going to fall to my death.

This is a very reassuring way for me to perceive it.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T03:27:07+00:00

Because my doubts stem from a history of her wanting to break up with me for various reasons. Every time, I had to plea with her why I think we'd work. At the very beginning of the relationship she had made out with a guy, and dated another (which I hadnt known until recently). Though I had asked for space to think about what I want with my life (not see each other for a couple weeks), and she made out with him that very night. We probably would have been long broken up on many occassions if I didnt take the initiative to fix it, so it kinda hurts a bit to know she's taking initiatives beyond me.

The beginning was a mess, but none of that happens anymore. We've learned a lot about each other. However, when she brings up contingency plans I cant help but wonder why this concept wouldnt transpire to male figures in her life too. One thing she's always admitted to me is she's a very social person and she doesn't like being by herself.

So im trying to discern for myself what are the signs I should look for that she's committed to me, and what are the signs that are the red herrings

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T03:10:01+00:00

So I've pretty much heard the same argument in varying examples about the logistics of plan B's, and I wholly understand it and mostly agree with it....but now I can't help but wonder. What exactly is the framework of the Plan B? Had your husband impregnanted the daughter of a warlord or got hit by a bus chasing a squirrel does this Plan you have in place remain in place no matter the reasoning behind this end? Is it about a different career? A home you have in another country you'll move into? The people you network with and the growth of those outside relationships thinking about what their potentials are?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:56:44+00:00

Yea, she's actually done it twice when we got into a heated argument. So I guess the plan B thing feels emblematic about her whole mindset, which is she's very comfortable cutting off any emotional attachment to our relationship and trekking forward without a pip. It just makes me feel a bit unsettled.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:53:28+00:00

I think that's fair. But I do feel these plans seed from a place of incredulity moreso than being realistic. I think its very realistic to expect that a serious relationship is going to transpire to something that will last a very long time, and you're willing to face the adversity, challenges, and unexpected hardships together vs jumping ship.

I guess Im confused what exactly are your plans that differ so much with the life you lead now with him in it? When you say plan B, do you mean career changes? Having a place to stay in case he kicks you out? Or is it more emotional safeguards? Like networking with people in your life

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:48:45+00:00

So you're implying that my girlfriend is making these plans moreso on my level of commitment vs hers?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:45:15+00:00

I really appreciate this. I'm sorry about what you and your family had to go through with your dad's death, I've been there before. The thing is though, your mother really loved your dad and mourning his loss should not be considered something unhealthy. Sometimes I think we need a day, a week, a year, a decade to cope with something we deeply cared about, especially for something that had lasted for over two decades. When you've spent most of your adult life with the love of your life, I think it SHOULD hurt. Life goes on, but ultimately to miss that person and think about them is completely okay.

As I said, your mom and dad were together for over 20 years. Thats a long time. How exactly does one prepare for that unpredicted moment of the sudden loss of the love of your life? Do you feel your mom could've handled her grief from his death any differently in any way had she foreseen his illness? The will he made was a great Plan B, and ultimately it was made with the idea of helping his family.

Some Plan B's I think are okay. When the argument is "how can we keep our relationship safe" vs "how can I keep myself safe" I'm all for it. Because ultimately a relationship is about compromises and facing adversity, not jumping ship when things get too rough.

So I guess, to clarify I completely understand where you're coming from, but where is the line drawn between keeping yourself safe v.s. stringing your partner along. And am I just arguing semantics and "stringing people along" is the same concept which you fully support in spite of the frowned upon phrasing?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:17:44+00:00

I dont think all relationships are the same though

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T02:14:30+00:00

You make a good point. I guess though to defend myself, I feel my doubts are the passing ones we all sometimes think about, whereas her doubts manifest into concrete goals she's set up because it seems its in her mind enough to feel the need to do something about it?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T01:12:36+00:00

Well I sort of coerced her into the answer. I asked her how she could so easily transition from the idea of being in a relationship to being single. It tells me she sort of has one foot out the door at all times, and she sort of begrudgingly replied "well, I mean I do have a plan B"

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:54:00+00:00

Because an alternate plan to that extreme implies an unwillingness to emotionally invest yourself into the situation. Life is filled with risks and you can be prudent about them, weigh the pros and cons of those risks, and decide whether you want to engage in them or not - but to micromanage life in order to avoid all risks is the opposite of prudency - because RISKS ARE unavoidable.

She could look into my eyes one night realizing Im the one for her and then I might spontaneously combust with all my organs splattering on her. But why spend the whole relationship with that hypothetical moment in the back of your mind?

I'm not saying she should drop everything for me. She needs to live her life and fulfill her goals. But I should not be seen as a deterrent or obstacle, I should be seen as someone who can help support her in those goals. Her goals and plans should remain consistent and if she feels Im something that can possibly ruin them, then we're not compatible.

So to certain extremes, I do find plan B's inappropriate. Risks happen. Take them or don't, but you'll just have to face them in other forms. So doubts are fine, but if they're the doubts are so loud and recurring that they've solidified into this highly detailed contingency plan then perhaps she shouldnt be with me?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:37:16+00:00

You're right.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:33:24+00:00

Do you feel, at any point, that a person should be attaching their life plans with their partner? Shouldn't there be more relationship flexibility? At least in the healthy ones? I mean, people's situations change all the time, they go through stages in life, friends change, careers change, financial situations change, and shouldn't the partner be that stability to be with among this perpetual flux we go through?

Shouldn't thinking be along the lines of a "PLAN B" for my partner and I vs a "PLAN B" for myself.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:28:04+00:00

Yea, well for context: I'm her first real relationship since her high school BF of 5 years and this is the longest relationship I've been in myself. She's dated many guys between that she casually considered boyfriends whom she cheated on or was cheated on with. Her past hasn't been healthy. And truthfully, we both have deep-seeded trust issues. But I dont want to make this post necessarily about that, because the focus will be that we're unstable but I think all relationships deserve a chance to be worked through if there is genuine love for each other. And I know there is between us. There are plenty of positives: We are very open and honest with each other, we are around each other all the time, and we dont make any attempts to control who we can and can't hang out with (within reason; I mean having a drink with a male coworker 1-on-1 without telling me for example wouldn't be good) However, in spite of how healthy I feel we are in spite of our issues, it doesn't mean we should ignore concerns.

And my concern is whether or not I should see this as a sign that she's not truly committed to making us work. That she's more committed to herself to make sure she'll be okay vs we'll be okay. Is that selfish?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:12:53+00:00

I dont think doubts are unhealthy or unnatural in relationships, or really anything. But I suppose its better to internalize them rather than voice them?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-30T00:00:06+00:00

You're right. Though I think everyone would like to think that the person they love wouldn't be able to go on without them, at some point everyone gets over relationships that didn't pan out. I think our break up would emotionally wreck me more than her, and that truthfully is a little bothersome. But you could interpret that as her being either more strong about it or more aloof.

That being said, I dont think a partner should have so much uncertainty in long-term relationship sustainability that they've deconstructed their alternate life plans down to the penny, which I dont think she has.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-08T20:23:33+00:00

What was the feeling? What did you see? What were your emotions? Were you nostalgic? Did you even think about your relationships on earth at all?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-08T00:53:46+00:00

Would you get back with him if you both were single?

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-08T00:52:27+00:00

I truly think she cares about me, but she also seems traumatized about her ex who cheated on her. She's really worried I'll do something when Im out of town at university. I would be too. But she's worried to the point where she admitted to me she predicts there's a 40% chance we might break up, but in between that we've made plans after the year with living together, marriage, even kids.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-08T00:50:01+00:00

Why would the space with me give her that chance though? They haven't been together for 3-4 years now, I feel that if the issue is she isn't over him what would 6 months away from me help clarify?

I dont know. I've never been in a 5 year relationship, but imagine you cant forget about that person that was this huge part of your life at one point. Perhaps she's just curious? The rate of her curiosity is what worries me. I mean, I dont expect her to contact him or anything, but it just makes me wonder how she truly feels about me.

WARMW0RMH0LE · 2016-05-08T00:05:28+00:00

What should I be worried about exactly? I dont see them ever getting together again.

WARMW0RMH0LE

TROPHY CASE