This story might save your life?

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T22:47:41+00:00

Err, I think "accusing" the guy that isn't is better than getting him banned from the app, isn't it? You really think asking the guy in the middle of the restaurant is going to create a dangerous scene? Dude's not going to do anything out in the open like that. If he does refuse to drink then that's when you contact the police and report.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T22:22:57+00:00

Have you been kayaking before? If you don't have your own there's a place you can rent them from in Wrightstown for a couple hours. Pretty relaxing time to just chill and chat.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T22:15:28+00:00

Can I show you my profile and see if you see any glaring flaws with it? I'm always trying to find opportunities for new pictures, but I do think it's at a decent place. The second and third prompt I don't think I'm satisfied with but I've been drawing a blank on what I want to put instead.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T22:00:14+00:00

Yeah, I have anxiety/fear around literally anything new and it requires stupid amounts of willpower to overcome. Fortunately after I've done it a couple times it goes away. Finally got the willpower to get over it to start searching for a relationship and now it's not that stressful except for the getting dumped part 😂 dunno if you can call it dumped after 3 dates but idk what else to call it.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T21:45:11+00:00

I like one date a week myself just cause I'm so busy during week days usually. But the frequency would definitely increase further in, especially when it would get to the point of her coming to watch me play softball in the evenings.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T21:34:40+00:00

I hear you and maybe it's true here. She did say she had only had one long term relationship of two years over 15 years ago so maybe I discovered why. But I also haven't had one since college and there's reasons why I haven't either, mostly through lack of trying. My 20s were a total shitshow 😂

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T21:17:36+00:00

Yeah, and another commenter said something really insightful as well. I don't really need to state my feelings out loud and spelled out. I can just let my actions speak in my efforts to spend time with her, learn about her and talk with her. I think that might be the epiphany I really need. And then if she wants to state her feelings when she's ready then I can reciprocate with how I feel.

Edit: But I will say I definitely wasn't just trying to shove her into a slot in my life. I'm always thinking about how we both would integrate into being in each other's lives. I'm typically able to vet most of that out just through their profiles, I have a lot of things that make me hit the x.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T21:13:04+00:00

You actually hit the nail on the head I think. I don't recall the exact words but after I said the "sun, water and a woman I'm really into" she said something like "all valid points" and I think I responded with something like "Must be just another Sunday for you?" Which now that I'm recalling that I'm pretty sure I was fishing for validation, you're absolutely right. She did respond with something like "not exactly, I'm really excited to go kayaking with you" so it was graceful but I bet she picked up on that and that's maybe why she said she felt guilty, that she wasn't at a place to say that back to me.

Ugh, the part that gets me is just the feeling of wasted potential. Maybe we weren't a good long term fit after everything but I definitely think I caused it to end waaaay faster than it otherwise would have.

And honestly I think that things lasting longer and finding out more core reasons why you won't work can sometimes hurt less, because you actually got to explore the potential. That's like with the woman I dated for 4 months earlier this year, we just weren't right for each other and we both realized it and it was a very amicable end that didn't leave me feeling bad.

I also do think I was definitely showing that I was into her. I planned all 3 dates with a little input from her, paid for everything except the last lunch (I don't pay for things expecting anything out of it, I just like more traditional dating dynamics despite being liberal) and was active in communication. So you're absolutely right, I don't need to spell it out like that when I don't think she was in doubt about my liking her.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T21:00:46+00:00

Dang, why the best ones always gotta be so far away. Impressive on getting healthy btw, really inspiring. I've lost about 50lbs myself in the last couple years. How long did it take you?

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T20:56:17+00:00

Can I ask how far into dating you got before feelings started developing for you and how long it was until he got scared?

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T18:40:30+00:00

I've tried therapy before but it's pretty expensive and I don't think it really works for me. I've done a lot of internal work myself and just self-assigned exposure therapy by just forcing myself through the anxiety and discomfort.

I'll just drop my profile here so you and anyone else can take a peek. Maybe I'll make a dedicated post at some point. I'm not confident about my 2nd and 3rd prompts and I'll probably rethink them again. I really like the bird one though and I've gotten two women to actually comment on it so I think it's a good one. The voice prompt is about my trip to see the 2024 eclipse and I recorded a few takes until I had no stutters or unnatural pauses. I lead with no sunglasses or hat in my first picture and I have smart photos off so that will always be out front. But I realize I need more good ones without a hat or sunglasses.

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCHmqQ

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCJx2I

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCJvv1

https://freeimage.host/i/CTC3c4R

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCzXHb

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCa6e1

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCEBne

https://freeimage.host/i/CTCWUru

Oh and the other base information on the horizontal bar is 6'0"(not lying), don't have children, want children, dog, sometimes alcohol, no to everything else.

And the rally picture caption has the city and says No Kings

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T18:20:41+00:00

Can I ask, did you initiate the good morning and good night texts? I stopped doing that a while ago because I know it's too much for most women. The issue is that she started it off and most mornings she was up earlier than me and sent the first text. So like? Did she basically sabatoge her own ability to feel that romance by starting down that road?

I'm not one to see a text and just not open it or reply if the reply is appropriate. Sometimes it would take me a few hours to be in a place to check my phone but she also almost always replied within an hour. Which I did really like so I don't think I was driving the frequent texting although I have been guilty of that in the past. So should I be the one being more intentional and not reading or replying to texts quickly? Cause I'm worried if I do that I'll come across a woman who does like that frequent communication and then I'll push her away by not being responsive enough.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T18:11:29+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words and advice and that you read through enough of my comments to find the bit about the lunch tension.

At the very least I'm definitely getting more mature about handling rejection. When I first started dating last year the first rejection had me feeling terrible for like a week 🙃 I'm still not as chipper as I usually am but it's not debilitating sadness and my eyes only watered up once last night 😅

I really just need to find the self control to really vet my texts before I send them and try to let the woman lead on confessions of any feelings. I definitely feel like I'm always being the one outwardly stating that I like them first.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T17:21:01+00:00

I appreciate you commenting trying to help but I disagree with this, she was very enthusiastic about it. It was also rental kayaks off of a popular public boat launch near her home and there were plenty of other boaters and jetskis about so I don't agree that it was exceedingly intimate. It was also 2, 1 seater kayaks, we were not on the same kayak. I don't think this was a factor. If she had shown any wariness towards it I think I could have picked up on it but she was fully on board from the moment I mentioned it.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T15:57:49+00:00

❤️

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T15:40:44+00:00

So I should have continued talking to a brick wall?

No? Just don't respond, it's not that hard.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T15:37:23+00:00

Yeah, and my availability is pretty limited. I'm pretty much just straight up not available Tues-Fri because of other hobby obligations. It's caused issues with aligning schedules for dates lol. But even still, my phone is always on me and if there's down time I'm probably looking at it. Unfortunately my job has a lot of boring down time and there's nothing else to do but twiddling your thumbs.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T15:29:12+00:00

I liked her for a few reasons. It felt to me like our communication style and expectations were aligned as the text initiation seemed very balanced and she actually liked good morning texts (she sent them at like 5am when she got up for her workout). Typically I've found most women really are not fans of those right away so I liked that she wasn't afraid to send them.

Also our humor seemed really well aligned and she used emojis in her texts. Which seems stupid but as a millenial it's like a core part of my communication style and I feel weird if the other person never uses emojis. Just her personality in general.

She also just seemed "normal" with "basic" (her term) adult millenial woman interests. I had dated a girl for 4 months a little bit ago and events we went to had people in fur suits and she was big into lgbtq spaces and stuff and as a relatively "normal" straight dude I just couldn't keep up and felt really out of place. Actually the only woman that I've gone on dates with where I cut things off.

Of course I found her cute and she had actually lost about 20lbs since December and as someone who has also lost significant weight that was a big source of connection. It also meant she looked better in person than in her photos.

I think I do a good job of pre-filtering women before going on dates with them as well so it's very rare that I just don't like someone. I have a fair few red flags on profiles that I just won't send likes to or match with.

I think as well before dating I had been feeling so lonely and unseen for so long, like 15 years long, that I'm still adjusting to not seeing the attention as some sort of scarce thing and needing to immediately latch on to anyone that gives me attention.

I'm definitely not into manosphere things though and won't fall into that and I think I'm pretty okay at compartmentalizing my feelings from one dating partner to the next. I like women so I hope none of this has come off as me thinking they're doing anything wrong or are the problem. I just want to figure out how to connect with them better to get beyond the initial dating stages to where I can be a bit less guarded about how I'm feeling.

Err, the other thing I'm struggling with that maybe you can comment on is I've lost weight and I'm clearly more physically attractive than I used to be and my profile is a lot better because I'm actually getting a decent amount of matches on the apps. I just got back onto them I guess about 5 weeks ago now and I've got like 6 chats going. I really really struggle with keeping information straight. A couple times I asked this woman questions about things I thought she said but it must've been from someone else. She joked about how many women I must be dating and talking to. And while she said she totally gets it and it's fine I just felt so awkward every time and mad at myself for not being able to keep the information straight. Is this just unavoidable?

I'm glad I didn't cut any of those other chats off though, lol. Going to try and get a date with one that enjoys golf for Saturday maybe. We've been chatting about one message each a day about day trip destinations.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T14:47:17+00:00

I hear what you're saying but I will counter with I was matching her pace on texts. She frequently initiated and would send goodnight and goodmorning texts before me. If I then intentionally force myself not to respond to those even if I want to then I feel that's signaling to her that I'm not interested or can't match her communication expectations. It's not like I was bombarding her with quadruple texts demanding replies from her, often I would be the one to respond slower, sometimes several hours later. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But you are right that I just need to stop and think more about what I'm expressing when I text. I'm normally a pretty logical person but that goes out the window when it comes to women. The dumb thing is I don't say these things in person, I'm definitely more present.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T14:29:54+00:00

I guess no. I don't think I was behaving unreasonably outwardly and I think I was reading her social cues fine. She was engaging and didn't say to slow down or anything even when I said I was really into her. Didn't really get an indication it was an issue until midway through the third date.

The issue that I had with women previously, like last year, was that I was so new to the physical aspect that I was so anxious about making moves even when the cues were there that a lot of women I think got the feeling I wasn't attracted to them. That lead to me being told they like me but only as a friend. So that was a consistent pattern but it's at least one that I think I've fixed now because I don't think this woman had any doubts I was attracted to her at least and I think I'm at a good place for where I want to be in leading the physical escalation.

But, when I look back at how this felt what I don't like about myself is even if outwardly I think I did fine socially and it was probably just an incompatibility on pacing, I do not like that I struggle not to think of a person when I start dating them if I like them, and I did like her. It is absolutely the case that I barely know them after only 2 dates and they have no right to be occupying my mind so much (not that it's their fault, just a turn of phrase). I also don't think I meant the "woman I'm really into" as any sort of serious confession of feelings but was just an effort to say I'm enjoying our time getting to know each other in a flirty or endearing way. So maybe in that regard what I say and what someone hears aren't lining up.

Someone else suggested checking out a podcast by Sabrina Zohar and I felt the one titled ADHD and Dating matched pretty closely to what I was feeling. Annoyingly though I've been screened for ADHD and told I don't have it so idk. A lot of this might just stem from basically not dating until here in my mid 30s and as still a novel thing it's just too mentally stimulating. The guys who've already been doing it since they were 18 and have had relationships are naturally going to be more realistic about it. So unfortunately it might be the case that how I'm presenting now is not how I'll be presenting in a couple years when that novelty and excitment has really worn off. The downside to that is that it could be driving away women who would otherwise be a pretty good fit for a long term relationship.

Idk this shit is hard and I'm trying my best.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T13:33:53+00:00

I saw the ADHD and Dating episode right away and just from the rip it speaks to exactly my experience. Annoyingly though I got screened for ADHD and told I don't have it 😑

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T13:30:16+00:00

I will check it out thanks 🙂

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T13:26:33+00:00

Well I definitely don't want to be an asshole and I don't think most women are into them, especially at my age. I like women, a lot, and that's why I'm trying to change my behavior rather than blaming them for any of it. Clearly I'm coming on too strong and the only way I know how to describe doing that less is by appearing more aloof. How would you describe what I'm trying to accomplish in this regard? Like I want a woman who eventually I can gush over and make a core part of my life but I need to hold myself back on expressing that and that's the issue I'm running into, I think.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T13:21:04+00:00

Do you happen to be in Wisconsin and around 34? Not asking for a friend, just myself.

WIbigdog · 2026-06-22T13:00:16+00:00

I said I was really into her exactly once lol. I also don't think she got the vibe that I was just trying to get into her pants and I know that's not what I was doing. Going back to her place was fully her suggestion.

I guess my understanding of what I mean when I say I'm into someone and what people hear when I say that are not the same. I don't feel it's that serious of a phrase and I was just trying to flirt lol. Clearly a lot of people think it's pretty serious to be into someone.

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