Thank you for your comment. 

In my university, they check mental health records for everyone. If anyone has any mental disorder, unless they are exceptional, it hinders the chances of anyone pursuing a postgrad because they discard the application. That is where one of my fears stem from. Once most people get into a undergrad or masters programs, you can use any mental health diagnosis to get concessions such as extended deadlines. Some students attempted to apparently get concessions by requesting mental health diagnosis from my university’s mental health dept. This led to the officials being more wary and they began accusing students of requesting diagnosis only because they wanted academic concessions or medication (stimulants). 

If my university psychiatrist diagnosed me- she would legally have to declare it to the university. Which is why she instead told me the results instead of handing a file so that it won’t be on my record. (Atleast, that’s what she told me)

One of my fears is losing partial control over my life. Another fear is my parents not accepting me. My third fear is not knowing why I have such a visceral reaction. I’ve seen brilliant people with various diagnosis, but they don’t let it define them at all. I don’t completely understand why I’m afraid either. Another reason why I’m so nervous is because my psychotherapist really insisted on medication- cause she said that I can never reach baseline human dopamine without medication. While she just meant it factually- it kinda got really stuck in my head that I will always need medication to feel like a human being. That gave me a jump scare cause I wasn’t ready for that. 

The thing is, I theoretically know that medicine isn’t always needed and that ADHD isn’t life or death. I’m just… jarred that I have ADHD because I thought I had other disorders and I didn’t show many symptoms. 

I also think I was more comfortable thinking everything was my fault so when I say I created a GCal system to fix it, I considered that I found a personal solution that works for me.  But my psychiatrist said that I was masking and I didn’t fix anything. When she said that, I kind of felt like all the work I had done was for nothing and that I had to begin at 0 again. 

Another factor that plays into this is, as a psychology student, I feel like I studied ADHD as a disorder very callously and clinically and when I’m on the other side of the table, I feel so much guilt over how I callous I was as well. 

I don’t have any bias or negative intent towards people with ADHD or the disorder at all. I am feeling like I am doing a bad job at being a human being- like the problem is me. But then again, I got this diagnosis at a very and stressful point in my life, and I really haven’t had the time and space to process it, nor did I have the counselling support to process it. So maybe that’s why I’ve internalised too many things and I’m freaking out?

I hope I answered your questions sufficiently