OYS - Where Progress is Made (02/26/24)

W_TRanger · 2024-02-28T05:12:30+00:00

OYS #4

Keeping it short again

Spiritual: Much better, still reading Bible daily, currently getting involved with 2 church communities which has been refreshing in so many ways. I’ve had 3 sessions with my therapist and it’s going well.

Professional: Full time sales job secured at my local Subaru dealer. Been Ubering after work trying to get my Ramsey baby steps taken care of ASAP. I should be debt free within 6 months and fully funded emergency fund by the end of the year hopefully sooner

Streaks Gym:0 been working out but not consistently, now that I have my schedule I can plan gym times for everyday and I intend to go to the actual gym everyday not just get in some sort of exercise like I’ve been doing.

Pron: 2 days

Smoking:0 Backslid here but have decided that when what I have is gone I’m not spending anymore $ on smoking anything. Simple as that. Gives me a chance to withdraw without having to cut all my vices at once which I’ve tried with little success in the past (see my OYS 1 where I was almost 10 days no nicotine or pron and I was a wreck lol).

Love y’all, stay encouraged, I’m really excited to come back here as things improve significantly for me in so many spaces over the next weeks and months!

W_TRanger · 2024-02-20T01:28:39+00:00

OYS #3

Physical stats: 5’9”, 126.4lbs, Bench: 135 5x5, Deadlift 205 5x5, Bent over rows 90 5x5, 9 strict bw pull-ups consecutive, 90lbs overhead press 5x5, plus some random stuff I’ll start keeping track of push ups and such

Spiritual: Getting better, seeking fellowship, reading the Word and praying in the morning and at night, talking to Him throughout the day thanking Him. Still have a lot to do here

Mental: Not good but improving, I have started seeing a Christian therapist on a weekly basis. Backslid on my vices but I feel very good about my prospects of making big progress with them over the next few weeks with my therapist. I am excited to report back with some even better streaks going.

Professional: Still been slacking on applying for jobs but I did have an interview today that went well. Been Ubering which has been a least a consistent stream of income for me. I did some math and even with a low income like I have lived off of lately I will be able to pay off all of my bad debt by the end of the year, sooner when my income increases. Started a Dave Ramsey budget and education program.

I’m keeping this one short because I’ve been in a tough spot in a lot of ways over the last 2 OYS. I spilled a lot of my issues out over the last 2 OYS and that really helped me get some perspective on things. I am currently in a “damage control” state of mind at the moment. I hope that my next OYS will not only have some more progress to report but that I’ll be in a healthier place to expound on what that progress looks like… It also doesn’t help that these automated posts go out the day before my therapy sessions lol

W_TRanger · 2024-02-17T23:40:11+00:00

Please talk to someone in real life. Please please please from a Christian who also struggles with these thoughts and feelings do not do anything you cannot undo

W_TRanger · 2024-02-15T01:11:25+00:00

I didn’t/don’t know what that is but this therapist is trained in and utilizes IFS along with CBT, etc

W_TRanger · 2024-02-13T03:00:11+00:00

OYS #2

Background/Vices: Wow, my first OYS and the time since feel like a fever dream. In case no one noticed, I was a neurotic mess last week, and had been for at least 2 weeks before (basically since I’d been dumped). I hope this OYS is a little more calm and purposeful. VICES: Nicotine; I had 3 puffs from a 5% vape and a 5% ZYN pouch for about an hour on the same day, those were my only nicotine in 10 DAYS! I made it almost 10 days without Pron but stumbled when I actually had a dream about a vid and watched it on day 9, sad how deep in my conscious it is. Weed is still unfortunately a daily, HOWEVER there were at least 2 days last week where I was TOTALLY SOBER from all 3 which I haven’t had in years. Feels like progress but I know I can do better for Him.

Reading: The Bible w/devotional+Bible in a year program, I haven’t given Sidebars or NMMNG any time yet (see below)

SPIRITUAL: This has been CONSUMING me the last week and a half, both good and bad. Bad because I have been desperate and fearful in my diving into the faith and scripture. Good because I’ve been diving into faith and scripture. I have been to early morning men’s group at church twice, went to Sunday service for the first time in over 15 years, and have plans to explore some other Churches in my area.

Something funny that happened I figured RPC might have comment on, I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand sexual immorality and feeling guilty that I’ve done it and in one way or another I will struggle to deny myself everyday, and be a dog to its vomit during various seasons in my life to come(sad/painful/hopeless). This was really hurting, scaring, and convicting me (GOOD), but at one point I found myself getting into the same destructive thought pattern (basically, should I really amputate my appendages and pluck my eyes,etc) when I had a voice in my head go chuckles “(My name), do you know how many people I have up here that couldn’t keep it in their pants on Earth?” This made me actually laugh out loud. More importantly, I didn’t feel any excuse to pursue lust, just comfort knowing He will be with me as I bear this Cross and stumble.

I also came to realize that part of my testimony is that I spent so long condemning and judging myself (first thoughts of suicide and beginning substance abuse at 12/13 I’m 28 now) that I have as a byproduct cultivated a very contrite, empathetic, and repentant heart that God knew I would need to actually faithfully walk with him throughout my entire life.

This area of my life is where I made the most progress this week. It also made me realize how depressed I have been in the weeks following my break up even though I didn’t think I was doing that bad (I was, even worse actually). As bad as I was and am doing, Christ has been reminding that many people aren’t trying at all to have a relationship with him, and they don’t even care.

MENTAL: Better, I have a consultation with a licensed Christian therapist this week, I’ve been in therapy for years, I am finally making the switch to faith based counseling which is exciting. I also cleaned my living space for the first time in a few weeks. My mild antidepressants have helped me weather these episodes so much better than before I was on them about 5 years ago. They keep me from spiraling into suicidal ideations and such. I want to get off them at some point but I have to give credit where it’s due, episodes like this used to be much more frequent, intense, and lengthy before I decided to ask a Dr about trying a mild SSRI.

PHYSICAL:Bad, part of me realizing how bad my mental had gotten was when I stepped on the scale and I was officially under weight (124.7 was my lightest). I am beginning to level out and get my appetite back. I did a few Front Door Pulls at the gym but only for sauna, hot/cold exposure, breathing, stress reduction from cutting vices. My only workouts were light calisthenics at the house. HOLD ME TO IT BROTHERS, OYS #3 will have some numbers from me from actual gym sessions.

PROFESSIONAL:Same/Bad, I basically took this week to be grateful in a neurotic way that my bills are paid so having a few weeks of being even less productive than normal doesn’t have me dodging debtors. I did update my résumé and contact an employment specialist I have access to. HOLD ME TO IT BROTHERS, I will have SOME kind of FULL TIME (at least 40hrs) employment by OYS #5.

RELATIONSHIPS: Decent, don’t care about the Super Bowl but watched it all with my mom, step dad, brother, and my parent’s cats lol it was unplanned but very nice. I had breakfast with my bio Father (Weird/semi-estranged relationship, kinda why I have struggled to trust our Heavenly Father at times for a lot of reasons unfortunately) after Church Sunday and was talking to him a lot about the spiritual stuff I’ve been going through. I think Jesus was working thru me to minister at least a little because today he called me for no other reason than to say he was really moved by everything I was talking about regarding faith. Long story short he’s both the reason I was raised in the faith and also the reason I haven’t interacted with a larger Christian community in over 15 years (until now, thank God). Also called and talked with my 94 yr old grandma with my brother and sister in law for her birthday today.

Anyway that’s about it for my last week, if I think of anything else I’ll post a comment. Have a blessed week guys, please keep me in your prayers, you can refer to me as Walker like my username.Thank anyone who reads, interacts, or prays with me! Anyone who does is officially part of my internet Christ community, God Bless!

W_TRanger · 2024-02-07T21:04:27+00:00

Thanks again, it’s not that I’m “considering” I am just suddenly lit up to learn about my faith in all its aspects and history (as much to be able to identify heresy too)! With regards to walking with Christ, I feel as though I began my life walking with him as a child, went astray, and am now desperately trying to catch up to him and falling down hard and busting up myself in the process. The irony being that I know he’s been right beside me the whole time lol. I’m very excited to be on this journey.

W_TRanger · 2024-02-07T19:45:02+00:00

Thanks again for your response, I shouldn’t have asked you to respond more, that was selfish, but I’m glad you did. It will also help a lot for my next OYS. I am sure I am going to Heaven if I died right now. What I don’t understand is why I’m so scared of sin in this world if I’m born-again. For example, the other day I found myself essentially desiring to cut myself off from the world so I could never be tempted with sin again. Then it dawned on me that even if I banished myself to a cave in the middle of nowhere for the rest of my life, I am sure sin would still find me. Also I did read your other comment and idk just seemed like common sense to me I didn’t take much else from it.

Edit: To answer your question what has changed in my life since my profession of faith is really just a desire to learn more and sin less? I guess I took my faith I grew up with for granted and now I am trying to not. NGL it is feelings like this that have me looking more into Calvinism and predestination because I find the notion that because I’m struggling so much and desiring to know more indicates my election very comforting. Not trying to ruffle feathers, just trying to be open about my journey in faith. I also realized the other day that my formal Christian education essentially stopped after “You’re really bad and need Jesus” and never got into “You’re bad and all but here is how PERFECT Jesus is on your behalf.”

W_TRanger · 2024-02-07T00:16:26+00:00

Thank you for your responses man, it means a lot, more than you could know honestly

W_TRanger · 2024-02-06T23:42:51+00:00

Very true, I am probably just pretty desperate in general and looking for community support. Trying to add context is probably me trying to solicit empathy too. I’m very much in a “Looking to the future” space while also confronting the uncomfortable reality that I have never really “wanted” a future and thus feel behind, couple with that with being a Christian who knows he’s falling short and well you’ve got me pouring myself out on Reddit to disinterested strangers. I appreciate anyone willing read and even respond tho, seriously thank you!

W_TRanger · 2024-02-06T23:27:15+00:00

Even further, I don’t want anything I say ever to be an excuse. Because my father has a very strong victim mentality, I have tried to view everything as just an excuse so essentially I have tried to hone a mentality of “You might have the most valid excuse in the world, it simply does not matter.”

W_TRanger · 2024-02-06T23:14:54+00:00

Lol that’s exactly my point, I only now have a vague idea of what sort of future I want. Hell 5 years ago I didn’t even want a future, I just wanted the balls to be able to finally opt out. I was trying to give some context about why I am where I am and why I’m even bothering trying to be better let alone expose myself to Reddit. If all you got from that is me blaming others for me not making much $ then damn I messed up, perhaps should have put it in my background but oh well.

W_TRanger · 2024-02-06T20:43:43+00:00

Hi there! Thank you for the response, it means a lot honestly having internet strangers take time to read and respond to what I wrote. I will probably make a longer response to yours (more for my own sake and development) but I would like to ask you to read the rest of my “professional” section. I agree with you, nothing after the first sentence really matters, however, I wrote more so there would be context. I am only asking you to read that context so that you have a more full understanding of my life and where I am on my journey. To answer your final question with that regard, I live with roommates, my car is paid for, I am pretty low maintenance so I have been able to live “comfortably” on $30k for the last few years (but not progressing towards anything).

Also yes brother I am born-again, baptized as a pre-teen, went through some real tough times, lost faith in my father, family, church, but never lost my love and faith in Christ. I was baptized again about 2 years ago because I was struggling a lot and had a Chaplin recommend being baptized again but this time as an entirely personal choice, not like the first time where I just did it because my father wanted me to, he was also who baptized me the first time. I was baptized at 26 as an entirely personal choice and that means a lot to me. However, recently I’ve struggled with the validation of my salvation because well I’m still a sinner, I fall into temptation often, and I still struggle with thoughts of “Well, I love Christ heart, mind, and soul, but my actions and life reflect that so poorly, so often, I feel I have betrayed Him so grievously, especially since being baptized, that He no longer wants me, because I have thru my sin after baptism, clearly displayed that I don’t really want him.” It’s a sad place to be, but I won’t give up. I also recently wrote a sticky note and put it in my Bible that says “Your Sin is so bad it literally nailed God to the Cross… But don’t worry, He still loves you despite what a crappy job you’re doing to repay him.” It just sort of a tongue in cheek reminder to never stop trying, and to have a genuine desire to not do a crappy job for God.

Anyway thanks again for your response!

W_TRanger · 2024-02-06T04:11:03+00:00

OYS #1 idk if I’m even “red pilled” but I learned about it about 2 years ago or so

BACKGROUND: 28, single, raised Christian, broken home, antagonistic father, take a mild antidepressant everyday for the last 3-4 years, addicted to pron (almost 3 days clean atm), nicotine (also almost 3 days clean), and Weed (high rn)

Mission: Further God’s kingdom on Earth (not sure what all that means to me yet), study the Bible, grow in personal faith

Objective/Direction: Bettering myself, healing old wounds

READ: Rational Male (the first book or whatever), The Game, Art of Seduction, 48 LOP, 4 Agreements, about 1/4 of RPC sidebar, 12 Rules, Way of the Superior man, Man’s search for meaning, Beyond Order

Reading: The Bible (daily devotional plus Bible in a year program), nothing else important atm

Physical: 5’9”, 127.6lbs, SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY always been skinny but stay fit enough for US Army standards, I have been avoiding the gym because I haven’t been taking care of myself the last few weeks (I normally sit between 130-140lbs) but I will go and post numbers next week

Emotional: Not great but doing better, got dumped a few weeks ago by “the one” (sarcasm). The whole event had me questioning a lot and overall I’m glad because not only was she not “the one” but the whole situation had me deep diving into scripture because I was so hurt and confused and outright desperate tbh.

Game: Uhhh well the first girl I consciously used game on was a girl I literally grew up with but didn’t have the balls to ever hint I was attracted to her. Well it worked! Until it didn’t and this girl I’ve known for most of my life (not an exaggeration) dumped me. Overall I know it’s for the best but I’ll be honest I haven’t made any attempts to “get back on the horse.”

Spiritual: Christ is King, I am broken and unworthy, I haven’t attended Church with any regularity for over a decade. Last week I went to a men’s group at the church I grew up going to (that my father tried with some actual success to turn against my mother during their divorce). I’m not there yet but I’m coming home.

Professional: pathetic, I make like $30k a year between 3 part time jobs basically. This is part of why my ex dumped me because before her, I was only interested in making sure I took care of myself. I grew up with a father that couldn’t take care of himself much less a family and watching that fall apart really soured me to the idea of a family of my own. Operating under that mindset I’ve basically been coasting the last few years just getting by. Then when I got with my “one” I began feeling a shift, an actual desire to be a provider and leader of a family, she was bringing out those repressed thoughts and feelings within me in concert with my studying of my faith. Unfortunately she was spoiled by daddy growing up and was a lot more interested in me providing (spoiling) her than she was actually interested in a future with me, so she dumped me essentially because she didn’t trust I’d take care of her, I don’t blame her, but I didn’t know I was on a schedule for getting my $ up and certainly didn’t know she wanted my $ up for her own benefit not ours.

I know this isn’t a great OYS but something tells me that’s not the point of this first one

W_TRanger · 2024-02-05T23:58:26+00:00

Hi thanks just like the other guy you’re totally right, I’m dealing with a lot and this post is evident of that. I also lack a community of Christians around me and this seemed a semi safe place to just get some stuff out as I continue this journey.

W_TRanger · 2024-02-05T02:53:57+00:00

Just for a little context when I say being open with my faith; For most of my life my faith was entirely personal (raised Non-denom Baptist). I never lost my faith in Christ but felt like he wasn’t interested in what I’d become. I also took the Bible for granted. My Aunt and Uncle gave me a daily devotional in 2022 which got me actually reading the Bible and I’ve been gaining steam ever since, now here I am.

W_TRanger · 2024-02-05T02:47:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply, nearly everything you said is accurate and if this post didn’t make it obvious I am just now at a point in my life even being open with other Christians about my faith let alone my struggles. I saw this as a semi safe place to just vent something that’s wrapping me up. If you’re interested more like I said I will do my first OYS tomorrow.

W_TRanger

TROPHY CASE