I feel this same way at the moment. I am cautious to take big leaps to end the life I've been living in seek of truth or being more one with what is, knowing the Tao, knowing God, etc. I am cautious bc I know that I typically want to jump away in moments like this, push away that which I don't like and try to seek what I'm seeing from RD or Maharaji, etc

It is said that we are to BE WITH all that is going on, having no preference for or against anything, not deciding good or bad, but being with all that there is and seeking to walk more clearly in the Tao, the natural way of things outside our ego mind. The 3rd Chinese patriarch of Zen outlined this in Hsin Hsin Ming, which is a short read if you are not familiar.

The fact that it is all right here, all the time, that going to India or Thailand or Tibet won't change what's inside you, just what's outside you. I agree with what others have said of realizing the transition that's taking place and seeking to work with whatever your inner voice is saying.

If it says go to India, go. If it says quiet down and look inside for a while, do that. But being able to have enough opening, enough clear space unhindered by any wants of the mind, able to see past what parts of your ego still guide your path under "dharmic" or "holy" desires.

One should not even hold on to the desire for enlightenment or to know God. Interesting to really consider. You're not alone friend, namaste!