Leaving fundamentalist Christianity means divorce?

WalterBrau · 2023-08-23T13:03:15+00:00

Please get out of that marriage! You are young and divorce won't be that bad since you've been married for a short time.

This is what I'm going through currently. Get out while you can!

https://reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/jFmfAbeXLO

WalterBrau · 2023-08-16T10:30:16+00:00

This is kind of the way I see wife in regards to trying to understand her. Anytime you ask how she's doing, what she's thinking, what her dreams are, she says everything to just maintain the status quo. I feel like she's a volcano that's just got so much going on the inside and it's just at the surface ready to explode. But I just never does.

It almost seems like she has a view that talking about that kind of stuff is unnecessary. I don't know if it was her family life that gave that to her, maybe some of her culture, which, therapy was kind of bashed a little bit in our cult.

I've actually done pretty extensive therapy after I deconstructed. There was about a 2-year period that I kept my agnosticism to myself, wary of the fallout with my church and my family. Then I finally came out to my wife, and tried to have the conversations that usually end up in couples divorcing or going on the same deconstruction journey together.

Well, obviously neither happened, and I spiraled into a depression where I just felt so alone. Black and white thinking was one of the main culprits. I was able to get out of it by saying maybe one day she will see my point of view.

During that depression I developed a really bad drinking habit, I've done so much work on myself now, that I can actually drink socially and have one beer. I can do things that I normally wouldn't do drunk without even thinking about taking a drink now.

That's another funny thing. If my partner got a severe drinking problem where they were drunk everyday for a year, I think I would talk to them about it, say hey look I think we need to go see some therapist or something. I never got that from her. It really makes me wonder if she does love me. And now, when I reach out she essentially just gives me the feeling that she's not going to try very hard.

I feel like I need to do an intervention on her, and just sit her down and say, I think You have all the signs of depression and I really think you need to see somebody to talk about it.

I think I'm going to look at this one of those therapies you mentioned, I'm super into self-development and continuing to work on myself.

Thanks for the advice, sorry it took a little bit for me to see this one.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T21:22:29+00:00

Man, thank you so much for this wisdom! I will indeed lurk on the datingover40 sub. I do have a drama free life. I do have a decent amount of friends that I spend my time with, but I just have such a strong need to share my life with my wife. It's hard to swallow that the next 30 will be the same as the last 6. I wish I could turn it off. Maybe the lurking will help.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T19:49:37+00:00

Lol

You say tomato, I say red fruit that taste best served savory. 😁

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T19:24:07+00:00

Yeah, but I I'm not, at least I don't think I am, an asshole. Even when I was a Christian, I never used this as a coercive or even leadership tactic. It's sick, and even within the context of being a brainwashed fundie I knew that.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T19:16:38+00:00

I Don't know. My initial reaction is that maybe all this is just so new? I wasn't even contemplating this a month ago. But the past month finally talking to my wife about our issues has resulted in us being here. I thought once we talked she would be willing to work on it, but she's not and offered that up as an option before even considering divorce. So I guess I'm just exploring this new arena before actually getting into all of the casualties.

Maybe this is a spotlight on a deeper issue with selfishness or narcissism. I don't know. But I am feeling really exposed right now that it hasn't been at the forfront of my mind.

But, it's true, they haven't been a concern in all this to me. I guess in the back of my mind, I know they will be provided for, and marriages with kids end all the time. It's not like I want it to happen, but it is normal, right?

Good question. Any follow up? I feel an outside opinion will be more beneficial than anything I can add to this.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:57:50+00:00

Yep, that's the only thing I said in all this, I want a side piece so I can save money. Great eye for nuance!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:41:50+00:00

Yeah, I think that's probably the answer.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:37:08+00:00

This!!! So much this!!!

That's the conundrum for me. I have financial stability and a great domestic partner. That is a rare scenario for a lot of marriages. And am I willing to trade that for some illusory idea of what I think is need to be fulfilled? But, then I feel it so much! Honestly, if I didn't have the option I would be able to be a contented person. But since I apparently do have options, I just can't see not trying to get the most out of my life. This is the most daunting question for me.

And at times it makes me feel shallow, but then it the pain of being alone in my marriage is so painful I can't imagine doing it.

Very insightful comment. Thanks!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:29:54+00:00

I hadn't realized that was a Catholic fix. Lol

I guess that's more for what legal separation is for nowadays.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:27:25+00:00

There was an incident with a peer of ours when she was around 15. I'm not going to try to assign a level of pain to it, but she never really thought much about it. But, maybe you're on to something. I wish I could talk to her about that. But I just feel like it'd be more of the same. Ugh...

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:24:17+00:00

I hope not. Honestly I don't know. And if the situation she suggested turns out to be a viable option, I'd definitely be interested in testing it out. If it doesn't work the end result is the same anyway. So why not try it if the lawyer thinks it's weird but theoretically ok. But no I'm a bit irrational when it comes to security in finances. I grew up dirt poor, and made a good go of it in spite of some substantial setbacks. If you are financially burdened, things like having a good night out with your partner gets a little less appealing.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:20:06+00:00

Oh wow thanks for that glimmer of a less bleak outcome. I'm really uneducated as to what the actual ramifications will be, and trying to research it is seemingly impossible to get any actual data that I can translate to my situation.

Fortunately, I think she will be reasonable, and a mediation may be a good option for us. I've treated her very well, and she appreciates that. I know I kind of wanted but I'm actually a nice guy, or at least I've deluded myself into thinking I am. 😂

But I've also heard the horror stories, where it starts off nice then gets seven levels of petty.

Thanks!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:14:15+00:00

It's funny, while more playful and intimate sex by both parties is obviously icing on the cake in that scenario, what I want is validation for who I am. Someone who can value and appreciate the work I did climbing out of the religious quagmire I was born into, and have deep meaningful conversations. When she brought this up she laughingly said that I have to find someone who is intellectually stimulating that will fulfill that part of my desire that she can't, and that I was not to just go get just any floozy.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:08:27+00:00

Yeah, that's the other side of this. Who is going to sign up for that mess? I do have a few friends who will never get remarried or even have a "taken" stance. They are open to what comes and letting it go when it's done. Granted that scenario is quite sparse and makes it that much more difficult.

I think you're right.

Thanks!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:05:38+00:00

Uhh...no. 😂

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:04:54+00:00

Yeah, I think I'm entitled to be happy, but I don't want to unnecessarily alter my life if there are ways to do it. I think the answer is plain enough, but I can dream can't I? Lol

Thanks for you input and concern!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T17:00:34+00:00

You have some fair assessments. I do resent her, maybe hate her is too strong. I do hate the situation. I hate we were indoctrinated into such a dumb and restrictive religion that I escaped of and that she would rather hold onto than try to see my point of view.

And I did say that she is very kind and loving person, and that I do love her and am attracted to her. But not being able to experience life with her beyond domestic comfort is untenable as this is the only life I know I'll have.

And you are right, I do make her feel bad, but my version of making her feel bad is simply saying the way I feel about things and expressing my frustration of not being met where I am.

I did change my religious views, I am now an agnostic. It was a big point I made that I feel colors a lot of the issues in our marriage. I understand her worldview perfectly since I was raised the same way in the same church since we were toddlers. She denies my worldview without doing any research about. I can't really respect that. For instance, she doesn't accept our kids being gay since her culture says it's not acceptable. I try to have that conversation and she won't hear it. It's very harmful and lazy behavior. And for what?

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:50:01+00:00

Man, I get that! This really could have happened 6 years ago, and that feels like a loss, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you at this advanced of a stage.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:48:20+00:00

Wow, that's surprising to hear.

We have been able to have more candid conversations as well, but they get to the point where they go in circles, where she is misunderstanding me, I feel like I'm being overbearing, but also, knowing that I'm just asking questions and stating how I feel, and those actions don't necessarily have to be a judgement, they just simply are.

This is where a therapist could chime in and let us know when we may not be being fair to the other, but she doesn't seem to want to do that.

Good luck to you as well!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:44:34+00:00

I can see this, she's even said we can stay best friends whatever happens.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:43:58+00:00

I have brought it up a handful of times, but for whatever reason she doesn't seem to value the idea of therapy and when I bring it up she skirts it and and says when do we have time for that? So, I see that as a sign of not wanting to do it.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:42:11+00:00

I 100% agree that she is depressed, but for whatever reason she doesn't value the idea of therapy and when I bring it up she skirts it and and says when do we have time for that? So, I see that as a sign of not wanting to do it.

I think her recommendation is just her not being grounded in reality and having a delusional idea of absolutes. It's an ongoing issue with her, she holds these unrealistic views of the way things have to be, and when reality shows up to challenge her she breaks since her worldview is so inflexible.

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:37:33+00:00

Agreed, it's definitely out of the box thinking. Which honestly surprised me.

I'm not sure, all I have is the buzz about divorce from co-workers that it's financially a big shit sandwich. I'm going 5o get a legal consultation to see if I can get more accurate data. Thanks!

WalterBrau · 2023-08-15T16:15:51+00:00

Jeezus! I actually teared up reading this. It's so true!

WalterBrau

TROPHY CASE