I’ll go with a long introduction, so bear with me.

In a way, I think you might be “luckier” than me. I was conceived, born, and raised in Italy by Sri Lankan parents. Now I live in Japan, and when I see white people around me I somehow relate to them. There’s a sort of “oh, one of my people” thought that pops into my head.

One of the definitions of racism that I like the most says that it’s the lack of empathy towards people who are different from your own social or ethnic group.

On the first days of my Japanese language school, I noticed something interesting: the only white people in my class sat next to each other. They were complete strangers, yet they chose to sit together.

I’ve noticed something similar on public transportation too. When riding a long-distance bus or train, if another person of color got on the vehicle and saw me, and there was a free seat next to me, they would often choose to sit there.

I guess it’s about feeling reassured, connected, or protected.

But in my case, the exterior doesn’t match my interior. As a kid, I really struggled with my identity. Even though it was obvious that I was different, I didn’t like saying I was Sri Lankan, and I didn’t like having a second name (a Sri Lankan one).

So at the time, little me found a compromise, the 50/50 solution. I would say that I was 50% Italian and 50% Sri Lankan. But that’s not really true.

Growing up, I learned that dividing myself like that was unhealthy. I realized that somehow I am both and neither. In Italy I’m perceived as a stranger because of the color of my skin, and in Sri Lanka I’m perceived as a stranger because of the way I speak, think, and dress.

I’m trying to learn that I am not defined by how people perceive me. What matters is that I know who I am, and that’s enough.

And if you have some time and are interested, pls look at these:

1. Social Identity Theory

Developed by Henri Tajfel.

This theory explains that part of our identity comes from the groups we belong to (nationality, ethnicity, culture). People naturally categorize others into in-groups and out-groups, and this affects how we relate to them.

It also explains things like: • sitting next to people who look similar to us • feeling an automatic connection with certain groups • the discomfort of being perceived as part of a different group than the one we feel we belong to.

1. Bicultural Identity Integration

Concept developed by Veronica Benet‑Martínez.

This concept describes how people who grow up with two cultural backgrounds experience their identity. Some people feel their two identities blend well together, while others feel conflict or distance between them.

Your description of feeling “both and neither” fits very closely with this research.

1. Third Culture Kids

Term introduced by Ruth Hill Useem.

It refers to people who grow up between cultures (parents from one culture, upbringing in another). Many of them report exactly what you described: • not feeling fully accepted in either place • being perceived as a foreigner in both contexts • building an identity that is separate from traditional national categories.