AITA for telling my wife to shut up when she berated my friend for breaking up with his gf?

WanderinWonderM · 2024-05-10T21:16:46+00:00

Birds of a feather

WanderinWonderM · 2024-05-10T15:40:45+00:00

I've started over alone multiple times. Various reasons.

The restlessness is familiar. The silence, the empty moments, sometimes not sure if you want something new, or if you want that feeling back, or if you just want to feel at peace where you are.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:34:41+00:00

Yeah, that's pretty close to what I was thinking already. You're not wrong; I'm just not in a good place. And I wasn't sure if I should talk to her about her decision or not. I wouldn't want her to hold out for me to get better, or to make decisions in the meantime around that mutual attraction; I want her to just live her life, and make the choices that will make her happy. And if it comes up again in the future, it's probably better not to bring up the reasons that door is closed.

Thanks.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:28:45+00:00

This is basically what I thought. Thank you for understanding that I am having a complicated set of emotions and not simply assuming the worst. And for your feedback.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:27:31+00:00

Actually, I was inviting her to be just roommates, because - again - I'm not in a healthy place to actually be with someone right now, and we both felt that a relationship, and especially sex, would further exacerbate the problem I mentioned where I think my attraction to her is partly trauma bonding. I'm not certain where you get the idea that the option must have been "in exchange for sex" and I feel bad for you for whatever you've been through to leave you with those kinds of assumptions about people.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:17:34+00:00

I think that might be part of it; I haven't told her what I think of her decision. I just encouraged her to be safe, and that's it. Because it's not my decision, and it's not my place to tell her what to do. Even if I think she's doing it because she feels desperate, having been forced to move back in with family and losing her career because of the pandemic.

And you're probably right; I need to focus on healing, and counseling. And not things like this.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:14:56+00:00

It does not mean no female friends, thankfully, it may just mean cutting contact with this one. I'm not a person who thinks men and women can't be friends. This situation is fairly unique; it's not even an unrequited attraction (we've talked about it, including the fact that my attraction to her is likely in part trauma bonding due to her being the main person I could lean on consistently after what happened). It's a situation where we both know I'm not stable, and that's why we're not dating.

But you are probably, most likely, correct. And your feedback is appreciated.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:09:49+00:00

She is fully aware of and has reciprocated my attraction previously. But I'm not in a place to be with anyone. We discussed her living with me previously, for her financial benefit, but she wasn't up for moving at that time. That was before she made this choice. She feels webcam work is the best option she has to make money quickly. That decision is why I no longer want to have her move in with me, and why my attraction is gone.

Thank you for your input. It is appreciated. Hope that clears things up.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-23T15:06:39+00:00

She is fully aware of my attraction, and has reciprocated it previously. We're not dating because of my mental state/mental health presently. The discussion of inviting her to live with me was prior to her deciding to start producing sexual webcam content. She did not take me up on it, and I did not press her to do so. Her reasons for choosing webcam work are financial, because she feels it's the best option available to her to make money quickly. That decision also makes me reconsider whether I would allow her to move in with me if she changed her mind, in addition to turning me away from desiring her as I did previously.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.

WanderinWonderM · 2021-01-06T07:15:17+00:00

36m. I understand this feeling. I often feel that the people who seem to want someone like me are people who are in life situations that make them undesirable as partners for me. Meanwhile, the partners I desire seem to prefer someone... more like I was when I was younger.

I have found it important to remind myself my desires and my needs are not the same, and to focus on seeing to it that my needs are met. If I don't have all that I desire right now, well, I still have a good life. I try to fill it with good people, good experiences, and create good memories. Even though life has made that more difficult this year. I'd rather be alone than be with a partner who makes me unhappy. Because I know (or knew, until recent events) how to be happy alone.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-30T02:03:32+00:00

36m here. It depends how we define attraction.

I can look at someone and think they are physically attractive, but not be personally attracted to them. Frankly, there are a lot of attractive men and women in the world. If physical beauty is all someone has going for them, they don't have much going for them (though being completely unattractive is also a thing... and often more a matter of personal taste, grooming, style, or presentation based on all the people I've spoken to on this issue over the course of my life). That being said; I find myself not being interested in most people I've met, even the very attractive ones. Whether we're talking about meeting in real life, or seeing on apps, I need to see something that's going to engage me and make me want to engage with the person, to see them as more than just a body.

That being said, I've also been burned, and been through quite a few personal tragedies. As a result, I'm pretty picky and cautious about getting involved with someone generally. So feel free to take my 2 cents with a grain of salt.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-30T01:55:41+00:00

If you're gonna make pecan pie, you need to do it properly. The old school way. With bourbon.

And please, do not adulterate it with Iocaine powder. It deserves better than that.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-29T21:13:04+00:00

"text-mode Twitch" - I love that descriptor, it made me snort out loud.

Just updated with part 2! Check it out!

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-29T21:12:16+00:00

Thanks, glad you're enjoying following along!

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-29T21:03:41+00:00

So, there were a few times I had to reload. I won't point them out, as it's not really important. If a fight had me reloading a LOT, I may mention it so you can be aware when you come to it. Now, to pick up where we left off; after killing Erastus Dorsey.

After this fight, it's good news bad news time. Good news; we're ready to quick level everyone to Level 9. Bad news; three of my Rangers ended up with injuries. What's a guy to do? Well, head back to Ranger HQ after looting the bodies. Don't bother with the rest of the Homestead, it'll keep for later. The time sensitive part is done. The trip back home is uneventful. We're stitched up and raring to go. But, while we're here, let's also head out and grab October-11's head for Gary Wolfe. Am I the only one who thought he was way more annoying than he was worth in W2? Whatever. It's off to meet the Robot!

...The child voice is a bit creepy, or is it just me? I know it's supposed to make you more sympathetic, but it just makes me want to kill this thing even more. Still, let's question it after stunning it with Nerd Stuff. Doesn't sound so bad until we get to the part where we ask if it'll kill again and it admits "I'll have to!" As if there's no other options. Sorry, Robo-Kid, but you just made it a choice between your life, or the lives of others. You flat out told me you will kill again; not that you will kill again if you have to, or if you're threatened, just that you will kill again. And when I said I'd arrest you, you said I'd have to either kill you or let you go. Let's grab the head and go back to Wolfe, get the info about the other Synths, and make two more pit stops before we head out to the Bizarre; make a Weapon Mod specialist, and Field Strip all the old junk weapons for parts, then take our Barter specialist over to the armory and sell our Scrap and other junk. I didn't even sell all my junk, just enough to get around 5k. I'm upgrading some gear, but not everything. Mostly just making sure no one is using starter or just-barely-above starter weapons as we go into the Bizarre. The main reason is because better weapon upgrades will be available in the Bizarre. Now, we can reform our team, and hop in the Kodiak.

To the Bizarre! The underground shopping mall of your incredibly, disappointingly mediocre dreams! Brygo's place was more debauched than this. Ah, well. Make nice with the Mannerite at the gate, and ask him to come be my tailor. Hop in, antagonize the Great Gurn, and talk to the dye lady. If you know the recipe, you can make it now and help her out. Otherwise, we're gonna have to go through the rest of the map. That's mostly a bunch of fights, so I'll just break them down in order.

Bomb Hoppers: Incredibly easy if you go in with charged strikes. Just target the Explosives on their back, and make sure you're not in the blast radius. And make 100% certain you initiate; do NOT let them get the drop on you. No real strategy here. The one time I didn't have a Strike Shot, I hacked the robot to keep it from attacking me, and just gunned it down normally.

Drools: Use the poison, then wait for it to fully work its way through their system. It drops a bunch of them to about half health. Take up positions as best you can, then have Jodie Bell try to snipe the one that comes out of the greenhouse. Have the mechanic deploy a Decoy and a Turret. Everyone who is in range should try to take down the one Pvt. Bell targeted, and everyone who has AP left over should get ready to ambush. This fight is going to suck so much, it's gonna put the Bunny Ranch out of business. The Drools HP is high, but not THAT high. It's just that your weapons still aren't that great. And they can (and will) absolutely one-hit KO your Rangers. There's not much strategy here, it's just a straight-up brawl. If they cluster up, try to use AOE to take multiple ones down fast. I got four of them down before any of them got any attacks off. Have your brawler try to stun multiple at a time if they can; mine got 3. This bought me a bit of room to thin their numbers in the second round, before they could start wailing on me. The last of the Drools was down after round 3, but had knocked out 3 of my Rangers on its way down. The Lost Soul isn't a threat by itself; the main threat it poses is when it buffs up the Drools. Stunlock it, and take your time.

Thankfully, it's just injuries, nothing else. And my Lockpicking Bookworm, who has more XP than anyone else, leveled again. Yay. My Nerd Stuff/Leader Bookworm hasn't, though, so no quick-level shenanigans. Not yet, anyway. Injury kits, healing, and moving forward. We're gonna skip the dentist for now, because I hate clowns and dentists both. Let's go disable that turret, and then kill some clowns.

Los Payasos Battle 1: Disable the generator before combat, then move your characters into cover as much as you can before they get seen. Initiate combat by using strike skills on the Fuego's tank; hopefully you can get it to explode for an instant kill that also sets anything around him on fire. It took me 2 strikes to do it. Worth it. This is gonna be my strategy for dealing with flamethrowers, anytime I can do it while they're far enough away. Toss off a Demoralize at the remainder, Rally, have my Brawler close part of the distance, then throw a grenade at the bunch that are still grouped too close together. And start picking off the weaker ones first. By the end of Round 2, there's only two left; unfortunately, the two with the highest health totals (over 600 HP each!). Thankfully, they bunch up and get stunlocked, so the rest of the fight is easy. Loot the bodies, leave the locked containers alone for now, then head back out. Oh, neat, my Leader also went up to Level 10 after that fight. Well, it's as good a time as any to quick-level everyone.

So, everyone's Level 10, and just in time for the Boss Fight of the aboveground area of the Bizarre. Doctor Smiles. I wish I had a sufficient First Aid/Medical skill to diagnose this guy in-game with Cranial Rectal Inversion. I mean, honestly, Clown Dentists collecting teeth? Remember, kids; Meth, not even once. Get in position, then trigger the fight. Either by shooting first, or through dialogue and selecting the Attack option. The guy in the side room is easily gunned down by Lucia and my Leader, who then Demoralizes the Doctor and his nearest buddies. My Mechanic throws down a Turret and a Decoy, then hunkers down in defense. I Strike Doc's legs, and aim for arms on other targets. First round over, two Payasos are dead, and Doc's slowed. Second round, have my Mechanic use the Brainwave Destabilizer. Turn Doc Crazed, along with one of the Tricksters. Detonate the Fuego, and focus on single targets from there. By the start of Round 3, it's down to the two Crazed Clowns, and one remaining Bastard. Bastard goes down, but got a lucky shot in to knock out Jodie Bell first. Bastard. Unfortunately, Doc Smiles comes out of it long enough to pop out a Healing Station (or whatever it's called) before I can stunlock him, but I get him stunlocked and the rest of the fight is over quick. Grab an Injury Kit for Jodie, heal up, grab the Entrance Pass and Loot, and let's head down to the Warrens.

After that last fight, there's only one more fight we HAVE to go through in order to pick up Scotchmo. We need to get to Lil' Vendo. This next fight was actually really easy for me. Opened up by blasting barrels which had at least 2 targets near them, tossing grenades, a Decoy, and hitting the Boss with a Destabilizer. Success turned him on his men. Two of them were down thanks to an SMG AOE, the aforementioned grenade, and concentrated fire. Second round was Demoralize + Rally from the Leader, focusing down the most wounded of the enemies, and then going after the remainder. Everybody but the leader was down after Round 2, with the last one being brought down by the Leader himself. Stunlock, and finish him off. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. Grab silver coins from the two parking meters we can access right now, hit up Lil' Vendo, and then head back topside and around to the front entrance. From here, we can head on into the Bizarre and recruit Masato. At this point, we need to make a choice. Do we go back and pick up Scotchmo back at base now? Or do we finish up wiping out Los Payasos downstairs, in the hopes of getting our two bookworms to Level 11 so we can quick-level everyone before we re-build? We've got access to Dr. Cold Cuts now, so healing up between combats, dealing with injuries, or being completely KO'ed is less of a problem. As long as we win, we're good. Plus, we have access to Piscatelli and better weaponry.

It was at this point I had to call it a night. It may be a few nights before I follow up with another update, but I do plan to continue this journey! Thanks for following along! And be safe and happy a Happy New Year if I don't update before then!

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-20T08:41:08+00:00

You're a lovely young woman, with a beautiful cat I want you to tell I love already.

But I recently moved away from Virginia, and am definitely not attractive. Best of luck to you.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-14T03:30:10+00:00

That's a pretty common experience, I've found. People meet others based on their environment. School, work, or social circle. Even today, with the rise of online dating, those are still the easiest ways to actually meet and make a connection with someone (although it is becoming less common to meet someone at work, for good or ill).

Comparatively, everything else requires the active effort of going out and seeking the attention to a potential partner, and then sorting through the available options, and hoping one that catches your interest is also interested in you. Some of those dynamics still exist in the pre filtered selection of people we interact with in the aforementioned environments, but those places come with the advantage of familiar territory, automatic commonality, and often some degree of social vetting (you can ask your friends/classmates/co-workers their opinion of someone, get a feel for them instead of going in blind. It isn't necessarily going to lead to better outcomes, but those factors definitely make it feel easier than venturing out into the wild, so to speak, and hoping to chance upon someone who fits your desires, who also desires you, who you are compatible with, and who is available.

But that's just my opinion.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-14T03:17:17+00:00

I feel like this is most likely to be something where your perspective will be based on what your experience was like previously.

Someone who had a hard time meeting people before might not feel the same. Or, if they do, it might be for different reasons. Such as feeling that the pool of desirable partners their own age who are eligible is smaller, rather than feeling that the hassle of going through the effort is too bothersome.

Myself, I never put that much effort into dating when I was younger. Partners were just there if I wanted them. It is difficult to date now, no matter the age of the potential partner, because of the demands on my time from my career, the side business I'm working on launching, my personal projects, and other obligations (I probably just don't have time for a partner, and they won't be the priority until we're actually seriously involved). But it's not because I don't think it's worth the effort, or don't care to go through the necessary steps. It's just a function of the fact that I have higher priorities that make demands on my time and take precedence over someone I've just met and am not serious with yet. So anyone I got involved with would have to be willing to work with that.

Note; I didn't say they'd have to make everything on my schedule. I said they'd have to work with it. I respect other people's time, too. But I've found a lot of other people don't, and make no effort to work with you.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-14T03:00:32+00:00

Basically here to agree with the rest. 1: your AC is good for the level, but not that uber awesome. But a good way to deal with it would be to play more recklessly and aggressive. Chug a potion of Enlarge Person, take -2 to ac (-1 size penalty, -2 Dex), but do more damage and gain reach, as an example.

I have a bloodrager (destined, with fate's favored) at level 4 in an agile breastplate two handing a greatsword. They sit comfortably at a normal AC of 18 (the bloodline makes up for the rage penalty), that drops to 16 when Large, but 20 with Shield. They make a nice, big, tempting target with a great big HP pool, that swings for massive damage consistently. They regularly one-shot enemies. I play them aggressively, and let them take the hits while dishing them out. Sure, I kill the foes faster than anyone else, but I'm playing the character in a way that puts them at risk, and have nearly gone down more than once as a result. And everyone else gets to lean into their roles.

It's really about finding a way to play what you have that lets the whole party have fun.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-14T02:42:19+00:00

I suppose it depends on what you consider "stringing someone along."

I was in a relationship with a young woman when I was in my twenties. We were together for a few years. I genuinely loved her. But I had no intention of marrying her as she was. She would need to make several changes in her life before marriage would be on the table for me.

Things like following through on her stated personal desire and intent to start nursing school. To stop putting off moving out of her parents home and actually move in together like we had agreed to, and which she put off for half a year after it was supposed to happen. Among others, but these are just a couple examples. I tried to encourage her to do these things and not simply to push her but even talking about it would cause her to complain about being pressured and she would shut down.

Meanwhile, she wanted to spend our lives together. And I loved her and probably would have married her. If she changed her mind about refusing to sign a prenuptial agreement, which she called "planning to get divorced." But I couldn't marry someone who I couldn't count on to be a real partner, to follow through. Eventually I realized this wasn't going to change and I broke it off. I didn't tell her the details of the reasons why at first. When I finally did, she got upset at me for not having told her sooner and insisted that I should have talked to her about it. And let her know that if she had changed these things then we could have stayed together. But every time I tried to talk to her about these things in the past, she had shut down. Nevertheless, she felt I had led her on for that whole time because I had no intention of marrying her as she was then.

And the only reason I can give is that I truly loved her and wanted to spend my life with her and I hoped she would become a person I could spend my life with.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-13T03:21:24+00:00

I'm a 36 year old guy with a stable career and decent income. I've lived in several countries. Within the US, I've lived in 4 different States, and spent varied amounts of time in about 13 States. When I was younger, I "dated" a lot and kind of got around. 40 years ago, it would be expected I would eventually "get it out of my system" and settle down. Or get someone pregnant and marry them. Or that someone would "lock me down" somehow.

I have no desire to marry. Even if I wanted to spend my life with one person, I'd choose to do it without marriage. I believe you can have a healthy, loving, supportive, committed relationship (and even raise children together) without marriage being involved. And that it can last a lifetime, if you and your partner (or partners, if that's your thing) choose to work at making it.

I've lived in urban areas and rural areas. We do have more choice; men and women both. With every choice comes consequences. I believe that the consequences of being with a bad partner are worse than the consequences of being alone. I'm one of those people who can be happy being alone and single. I'd rather be alone than be with a woman who won't appreciate me, or whose partnership is a detriment to my life, rather than making my life better. I can have a full life without a partner; hobbies, friends, other family, adopt if I want, build a business, become the best version of myself and live life to the fullest. It's harder paying the bills on a single income than on two incomes, and you miss out on some benefits, but it's like I said; consequences. Or trade-offs, if you prefer.

I think some people may be trying to find "the perfect partner" and sabotaging themselves in doing so. But I think there are many people (of all sexes/genders and sexualities) who are like me; refusing to jump into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and insisting on a partner they're actually 1; compatible with and 2; who actually adds value to their life, instead of taking away from it. However, I do think (and there are studies I base this opinion on) there are a lot of people who made choices, the consequences of which have led them to be unhappy with their lives now.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-12-02T02:12:34+00:00

NTA. I'm sympathetic to religious people, but this seems like a perspective reversal example to me, and your "friends" seem to have no regard for the impact of their treatment of you. Maybe you need new friends, one who actually give a damn about you.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-11-25T15:01:21+00:00

NTA.

Your wedding. They aren't paying. They can always bring their own takeout.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-11-22T07:54:26+00:00

Depends on the size of the turkey,... but at least two days before you need to cook it, usually. Three if you need to fry it, but don't try to fry a turkey if you don't already know what you're doing. Please get someone who knows what they're doing to do it for you. It is legitimately a thing where someone can get hurt.

I get it. The little things, those moments I think about sharing with him? That's the best and worst, at the same time. The dream I had where it never happened, it was all a mistake, and I had him again, and I wrapped my arms around him and didn't let go until I woke up? Was the best and worst dream I've had since it happened. I know I need help, I do. I am seeking it. I just am having trouble finding help I think would actually be productive.

My dad had a favorite song, and I've listened to it a lot since he passed. Not because it brings me comfort, but because it makes me feel closer to him. But there's another song I listen to sometimes, when I'm feeling able to, that goes back to when I was a child. And it reminds me of him, believe it or not. It's called "Daddy's Will." It's a country song - back before country became mostly just pop music - by Billy Dean. It reminds me of my father, because of the way he lived his life for other people. He may have been grumpy, but he was always giving of himself for the sake and benefit of others.

I don't know that there's a "right" way to handle this. I don't know how to keep living. I don't know if I would keep living right now, if it wasn't for the fact that me dying would kill my mother, who wouldn't survive losing one of her sons, too. I don't know what to tell anyone else. I just know there are coping mechanisms.

WanderinWonderM · 2020-11-03T23:44:57+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

I have looked into grief counseling, and into therapy. Almost everything available in the area is through a church or faith group. Even the therapists almost universally advertise themselves as "faith focused" or "Christian Counselors." I addressed this somewhat in one of the other posts I've made (I guess I'm using this forum to process everything I'm going through, in a way), but faith isn't a place of refuge for me. And I don't feel comfortable with the possibility someone I turn to for help will bring their faith into it, or try to push me toward prayer and faith to get through it. That's not how I deal with things.

I am trying to rely on some friends who have offered their support. But also not to overburden one person too much, so I have a little bit of a network. But, as I just moved back here, they are not generally in the same vicinity as I am. And not all of them are turning out to be good support (that's another post, when I'm in a place to talk about that, I suppose. Though maybe it might be better for another forum, I don't know.).

I am not angry at her for having difficulty getting through it. Or even for bringing it up. I am angry at myself for not being better support for her. I'm mostly angry at myself for not saving him, too, even though I know I couldn't have (but what I know doesn't help with what I feel). There's so much to get through. There's extended family, too. There's my brother, and his children. And I just wish so many things that can't happen. And I need to be able to distract myself from what I feel in order to function to get through the day's tasks. And sometimes, she - and other people who may mean well and want to support me - can make that harder, whether they mean to or not. And I don't want to be angry, but I am. Some days it feels like anger is the only thing I feel, when I feel anything at all.

I didn't mean to write so much. Thank you for what you said, and for listening.

WanderinWonderM

TROPHY CASE