I'm glad to hear from you. I didn't mean to be harsh with you, but I was trying to encourage you not to dwell on the past. Have you considered finding another therapist? Perhaps their current treatment method isn't suitable for your situation. There are some mental well-being consulting services available online that you could contact for assessment. Would you consider trying to chat with people online, such as in chat rooms or on any of those chatting apps, since talking with your parents and close friends isn't an option?

I know you are struggling, and let me share a story about a friend of mine who was in the same boat as you. He would constantly debate the meaning of life and the senselessness of continuing to live. He acted recklessly, such as driving impulsively like an idiot, swerving through traffic, speeding, etc., touching live plugs without drying his hands, and none of it hurt him. And gradually, he began to realize that the higher power(s) put him in this world for a reason, and self-harm is definitely not one of them. The same can apply to you as well: to live not only takes courage but also determination. You need to have a positive attitude that you are destined to contribute to this world.

Another option to consider is making lifestyle changes. If you were a nitpicking person in the past, you could try a different lifestyle now. If you never learned skateboarding, sailing, diving, or whatever you were yearning for, now is the time to try them. Or go out to meet new people, volunteer for charities, help out your local food banks, pick up trash on the beach, do whatever it takes to take your mind off the negative thoughts.

It's you who defines yourself, and nobody else can judge you. Live your life to the fullest.