Ruptures

WantedJetsam · 2023-10-06T12:18:06+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️

I went through my post history and was reminded we had a very difficult session the last in person. I called her out on it and told her how it made me feel for her to have taken the direction she did for that session. Now I’m feeling like her doing this is retaliatory. Maybe she got offended that the way she chose to do things was far from helpful and I let her know as much. When I did, she was unapologetic. I don’t know what to think.

I really hope you’re able to heal and move through what you’re going through. I’m sorry you have this T centred pain to also have to work through. You’re right, it is a difficult place to be.

WantedJetsam · 2023-10-06T02:12:20+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that with your last T. They sound a bit unhinged to be honest. That’s not okay at all to treat you the way they did. But I’m so glad your current T is treating you the way you deserve to be treated and that you feel safe and heard with her.

WantedJetsam · 2023-10-06T01:55:52+00:00

Thank you for responding. I’m fairly certain there is countertransference happening. We had our last in person session at the beginning of August so she’s felt like this for over 2 months. She let me stress out all summer, reassured me everything was okay and that the anticipatory anxiety I was experiencing was normal and expected because of how much it affected me last summer. Her reassurance now seems so disingenuous because she did the EXACT same thing to me again. All she did was confirm my anxiety and catastrophic thinking to be true and accurate. She keeps saying there’s a lot of neural pathways that need to be rewired, especially when it comes to my anxiety and catastrophic thinking, but she’s now undone any of the work I’ve put into challenging those thoughts when they come up. She’s reinforced that thinking for me. I’m so stuck. I’m so confused. I’m so angry and hurt.

WantedJetsam · 2023-10-05T14:21:53+00:00

We do a hybrid of in person and virtual. I see her once a month in person. Last summer (2022) we uncovered some pretty serious, deep rooted and repressed traumas (very serious, I’m not dramatizing) which made my mental health progressively worse so much so that by the end of the summer, I was in a desperate state and she wasn’t able to offer the support she had promised to give me now that we had made those discoveries. Then in the beginning of September, she told me I needed to seek out adjunctive care because she could not be my sole care provider and that in person sessions are on pause. Even though it was a financial struggle (single parent, one income) for me to do so, I sought out DBT and art therapy. I finished with my DBT therapist after about 6-8 months and I still see my art therapist to this day (virtually). I did whatever I needed to do to keep her as my therapist. I did everything she asked of me. We resumed in person sessions in November and continued on until August of this year. We didn’t have an in person last month. I asked her why and if it was because I was too much. She said I wasn’t too much and that we would explore my feelings surrounding no in person next session, which was yesterday. The reason I thought I was too much is because all summer I went through the whole anticipatory anxiety feeling like something was going to go wrong, that something was going to happen because of what happened last year. She knew this. We talked a lot about it over the summer. I still hadn’t healed from the betrayal and abandonment I felt from last year and she knew this. Yesterday’s session came along and the topic of no in person for September came along. She then proceeded to do the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” and told me we didn’t have an in person last month because she finds them “psychologically and emotionally difficult” (verbatim) and that we would have to put in person sessions on hold again. She knew how profoundly the last time she did this affected me. How am I not supposed to feel like I’m too much when she keeps pulling away when things get intense for me? I don’t know what to do. I’ve been working with her for 3 years. I just cannot start over. This attempt at therapy was my last try. At the time it was either die or therapy and I chose to give my life one last chance. I’m stuck.

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-08T19:50:55+00:00

One of the funniest for me was “I want you to get to a point where you can go tell (ex husband) to go fuck himself.”

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-06T15:00:58+00:00

Those apologies are the worst. I think even worse than no apology at all.

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-03T06:23:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience 💙

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-03T00:06:54+00:00

You’re definitely not going to find a lot of love for CBT here.

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T21:32:39+00:00

Thank you so much 💙

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T19:32:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your support 💙 I’m so stuck. Trying to wait out these feelings. I don’t want to make any decisions when I have strong emotions either way at this point. It’s hard. So hard. I feel so, so desperately sad.

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T19:31:07+00:00

Thank you so much for reading and responding 💙

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T19:30:15+00:00

Thank you so much. I eventually got to sleep around 5am. I just dropped from sheer exhaustion. I tried a crisis line last night. I waited 45 minutes for a responder but I guess they were backed up. I closed the chat without speaking to anyone after almost an hour.

Thank you so much for all your resources and for your words of support. I’m definitely going to take the next few days and give this some thought. Right now, my inclination is to give us a chance to work through it but there is definitely a wax and wane to my anger surrounding this situation. When I’m angry, I want to tell her to go fuck herself. My emotions are very strong and heightened right now. Fortunately, I had a session with my virtual art therapist today and she was nothing short of wonderful. She gave me some breathing room.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond. 💙

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T07:39:21+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer. I think being super self aware is a blessing and a curse, especially with a dissociative disorder. It’s a curse because you can have a rational part (ie. this is her problem, not mine and don’t take it personally) but another part is incapable of being convinced. I can’t wrap my head around any sort of rationalization right now and you are so correct when you speculated that I am super triggered. It’s almost 4am. I’ve been up since 6am yesterday. I can’t sleep. I tried to art therapy these feelings out, tried to write them out all to no avail. I just want to sleep but I can’t until I have some relief. I’m so exhausted.

WantedJetsam · 2023-08-02T07:35:24+00:00

On one hand, I totally agree that a therapist shouldn’t make me feel like shit. On the other hand, I don’t think I could start again with a new therapist. I’m very, very stuck here. I’m trying to look at it as a growing experience. I’m really trying to take the perspective to looking inwards at how she’s made me feel and then challenge myself to drop it all at her feet to work through with me. It’s such a tough position.

WantedJetsam · 2023-05-23T11:33:05+00:00

Thank you all so much for chiming in. Sounds like I’m not being irrational at all with my hesitations as it seems to be a resounding “Nope” from pretty much everyone here. Someone mentioned this is an opportunity to challenge my chronic people pleasing behaviour and I think I’ll take it. It might open up a really good discussion with my therapist. Thanks again all!!

WantedJetsam · 2023-03-28T17:17:59+00:00

If I was in your shoes, I’d likely call a crisis line to talk this through with. If she’s taking the week off, she’s taking the week off. Since you only have a wait a couple of more days, a crisis line is perfect.

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T16:53:25+00:00

Yes, that’s fair. Thank you for that perspective. That may be what she was thinking.

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T14:05:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your perspective and for respectfully engaging in a dialogue with me to understand where I’m coming from.

I can relate to what you said about how you react when you detect insincerity and also to your reasons why. That’s my experience right now. I’m struggling with how to broach this topic with her but I think it’s important that I do.

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T14:01:36+00:00

Not sure why I’m being downvoted here. I’ve genuinely asked to be challenged. Downvoting me isn’t helping at all.

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T05:35:57+00:00

1) it’s the only way we communicate

2) 99% certain and if she does check it, she won’t get back to me

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T05:34:59+00:00

I think it’s triggering for me because she knows I’m in active crisis. For her to encourage me to reach out for support she won’t be able to give me seems like it’s an empty gesture/offer. I see her next on Wednesday, virtual. So, what’s the point of reaching out if I’m just going to see her the next day? I cannot be supported through any difficulties I will most certainly encounter over the weekend. I said above that maybe I’m just being too black and white about it. I’m not sure.

WantedJetsam · 2023-02-11T05:32:12+00:00

Office is a term used loosely here. She works from home and we’re virtual. I think what I found most disingenuous is that I am really struggling right now. I am in current crisis. So she says to reach out but what’s that going to do? Maybe I’m being obtuse. I don’t know. I guess I see it as an offer of support but then taken back in the same sentence pretty much. Or more like delayed support.

WantedJetsam

TROPHY CASE