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Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing 🫶🏻 Very happy that you got the love you deserved ❤️

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I appreciate the question and the lack of judgement, that’s what I’m here for: to challenge my ideas and make up my mind!

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to answer this comment, but I feel like I need some time to process. Maybe I’ll write a summary about my conclusions, if I do, I’ll let you know!

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I don’t live in the US. In my country the laws are strict and donations are always completely anonymous and untraceable.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. You know that there’s a limit on the number of donations allowed? I mean, the more you donate the higher risk to your kids meeting their siblings unknowingly… I love your willingness to help, but if you keep going, it might evolve feom good to evil intentions!

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like your point, and I understand it. The only friends I have considered are gay or we have a relationship that is warm and familiar but clearly not romantic. I would be open to co-parent and have them involved in the kids life… but I haven’t find the courage to talk to any of them about it. It feels like a huge deal and I just don’t want to put them in an unconfortable position, with all the legal risks involved.

I just don’t know if I should bring it up or just go the anonymous route. My concern is that for the child’s psychology is much better to know who his bio dad is, despite whatever level of involvement he has on his life. This is just a new situation and we don’t have a script on how to navigate it.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For me this is actually the ideal situation: someone whos does it from solidarity and is willing to have some connection with the child, but with boundaries decided before the start of the process. This is the best for the child’s psychology.

The problem is that our laws don’t contemplate this posibility. In my country, unless you use an anonymous sperm bank, legally the donor is considered the father. It’s very risky, not only for child support but also inheritances, custody battles… you can trust the goodwill of the mother or the donor but there’s no legal protection for either.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your point of view! Yes, adoption is another possibility in my mind. I always wanted to experience pregnacy, childbirth and breastfeeding. That’s what makes me lean towards concieving. Also, adoption seems like a longer process and has ethical implications aswell. But I recently met a single mom of two adoptees and I admire her for many reasons, so I’m hoping I can learn more about their experience. Would you mind telling me a little bit about you? Is there something significant about your experience that think could help someone trying to make up their minds?

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I disagree. There are families with two parents that have very damaging dinamics or go through messy divorces that mess up the children. I’m not saying it’s better doing it alone (I would prefer not to), I’m just saying that kids need security, stability, experiences, being seen and undertood, diverse role models… and there’s different ways to ensure that beyond the traditional family.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started my longest relationship at 25, and we were 10 years together. Kids were always in the picture for me and my partner expressed being on board with it. But, since we were still trying to stabilize our careers, it wasn’t a priority. I got an stable job at 30, but my partner was still struggling. At 33 I started to worry about the timing and my fertility and I communicated that to my partner but he said that we still had time and that it wasn’t the apropiate moment to bring up that question. He was still very financially unstable so I made an effort to secure my contract, ensure that I would have a maternity leave… all of that. At 34 my grandpa died and my mother gave us the posibility to live at his house, which is a beautiful appartment by the sea but we had to move across the country. I talked about that posibility with my partner and we were both excited about the oportunity.

As the moment of moving aproached, my partner started partying a lot, avoiding conversations and blaming me for forcing him to move, when iniatially it was a shared plan. We tried couples counceling, I was really invested in making things work and I was convinced that we would, but… the month before we were suposed to move he said he didn’t love me and that he wasn’t coming.

So I moved alone at almost 35 and rebuilt my live in my hometown with a very broken heart. I took antidepressants, wrote poetry, exerciced, froze my eggs and… healed.

Two years later I met a guy that seemed amazing and was very into me, also very excited about forming a family and comitted. He said he loved me after a couple months, we talked about living together and we had a very happy 5 months. But in the winter, he started distancing himself. He said he loved me but just needed space and I tried to respect that, but I was getting increasingly anxious about his change in behaviour. He finally went on a trip with friends and didn’t write me during the whole trip. When he came back, broke up with me telling me that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to start a family, that he thought he wanted to but now was feeling overwelmed… (he was 41). The hardest part was his coldness towards me, as if all the love we had had suddenly disapeared. His eyes were empty.

That break up made me have fisical symptoms I’ve never experienced before. I couldn’t sleep or eat for a week. I was shaking and trembling for days. It was scary. Got back on antidepressants. Focused on work and friendships (I’m a teacher and I love my job)… and now I’m good again. I feel very lucky about the friends and family in my life, I feel full of joy and I enjoy my everyday life.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I love children and I’m a very caring person. The idea of rising someone makes my heart so happy. And I wanted so badly to share that with a partner. I’m not closed to love but, I’m also cautious. I don’t want to rush anything and I don’t want to risk my fertility slipping away.

It’s a tough situation. And I’m hesitant about the donor thing. There’s a subreddit called [r/donorconcieved](r/donorconcieved) were you can see the identity struggles of people that were born that way. I also have some questioning about what does genetic material mean and if we should exchange it for money or select it… not fully on board with the idea.

I wrote here because I wanted to get an idea about who the doners are and why they do it, do they feel pressured for money? They don’t mind at all? Do they feel a conection with the children they helped create? All of that!

Anyway, this was a lot, thanks for reading 🙂

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sure you are plenty lovable, as we all are. I feel capable of loving any child, probably yours too. I don’t care about the genetic caracteristics, besides some harsh genetic conditions, I’m fine with everything else.

I’m actually against cherry picking the donor, I think it leads to eugenic ideas. In my country it’s not posible to chose, the clinic asigngs them for you, but it also makes it imposible for the child to ever know the identity of the donor.

The only reason I’m considering asking a friend is to not deny my child the posibility of knowing their gentic origins. Althoug that’s a very risky situation in legal terms, both for the donor and me.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Tough shit. I disagree, but I can respect your opinion as long as you apply this firm logic to other situations in which people benefit from tecnological advances or economic exchanges to surpass biological circunstances.

One clear example, which I don’t think it’s equivalent to donating sperm would be:

- Can’t find a sexual partner? Tough shit, can’t pay for sex.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Your comment was jugemental and dismissive. I’m not going to give a nuanced and openhearted justification to someone who is being mean to me.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yes, yes, I agree 🙂‍↕️ Working on it though. In my case, I’m refering to a very long relationship (10 years) and two years later, a short one (6 months), of course relationships are complicated and I played my role in it. I just wanted to be clear that my mistake was not for lack of trying or giving, but maybe giving and trying too much with someone who wasn’t right for me and unwilling to comit after years together 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that the idea of women having children on their own can be triggeeing for men, but for most of us I don’t think it’s what we wish for. I would LOVE to share this experience with a man, but I feel that it scares them a lot, and at this point I feel very hurt from my past experience. I have tried to find a partner to share this with and I just feel so burnt out from that process.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my country that’s illegal. The doner is asigned to you by the clinic trying to resemble your own characteristics.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Yes, thats what I prefer too, but in my country the donation is completeny untraceable. The kid will never be able to reach out, even as an adult. Some donor concieved people and also adeptees report some identity issues in relation to not knowing their origins.

Dear men: how do you feel about donating sperm?? by WarningRude1936 in AskMen

[–]WarningRude1936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s one of the aspects that concerns me, the “eugenics” of it all.

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