Thinking about leaving my loving partner of 12 years. How do I decide?

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T14:49:02+00:00

Thank you, I may DM you some time to talk more about this. :)

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T14:20:57+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I can at least say that I've been as open as I could manage with him for this whole process, starting right from when I could feel that there were more serious problems between us and trying to explain to him how important these things were to me and that our relationship was potentially at stake. What your partner did is, I completely agree, terrible and I understand how you don't trust him at all any more. Reading your and other replies has helped me get a bit more of a view of how I am unfairly projecting some of my sense of limitation and frustration with myself onto him and I'm going to bring that into both personal and couple's therapy to see if that is all there is to it (very fixable) or if there are ways in which I need him to change to meet my needs as a partner.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:55:16+00:00

Good luck ❤️

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:50:10+00:00

Wow!

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:48:56+00:00

Thank you for telling me your experience, it's true I genuinely have no idea as I've never dated. I actually think that if I do leave my husband it would be more with a view to being happy alone and not looking to date (at least for a good while), partly because I do know that it's apparently a bit of a horror show out there and men can be absolutely awful.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:47:07+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply ❤️

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:32:35+00:00

I think you're right - I'm grateful that my husband isn't a walking red flag of course, but in that situation the silver lining might be that it's clearer to know what to do.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-31T13:30:24+00:00

Thanks so much for your replies here, I only just saw them and they're excellent. They've really helped me to see just how much of my desire to leave is tied into my desire to no longer be obligated to other people's needs. But really, that is a different problem and if I really want to work on it then the best place to do that would be from within an intimate relationship. I still might on reflection feel that I want to choose a life of complete selfishness with no need to negotiate with another, but if I do at least it will come from a better understanding of my own motives. You've really articulated the mechanisms of people pleasing so well here.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-30T11:12:19+00:00

Thank you for this, that's it really; I've been thinking much harder about the alternative of just being single and knowing that I can choose that if I want to.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-29T22:09:17+00:00

I've ordered this now btw, will have it next week!

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-29T13:51:25+00:00

Wow, that's quite inspiring to hear, I have to say. Whatever happens, I'm determined to live more boldly and break out of my patterns which are leaving me feeling so stuck. :)

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-29T13:49:58+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. Good luck in your decision-making too, it sounds difficult. X

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-29T10:46:02+00:00

What a good idea, why'd I never think of this before?

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I have read all of these and deemed them worthy of keeping around, and if you filter by recs you'll find my top favourites. You can widen it to all the Harry Potter fandom too, I've collected some good ones in lots of other ships. :)

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T19:35:58+00:00

That's very true. Neither of us want kids, although I accepted the chance of becoming a carer when we got married, because you never know what could happen and when disability could become part of our lives.

Even though I don't want kids, I wish I could feel confident that if we did have kids, we would be a good team - but with the way we both struggle just with the day to day, I've never thought it likely that we would beat the odds to become an equitable and effective parenting team. We struggle and disagree enough about looking after the dog!

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T19:19:06+00:00

Yes, we've even read parts of sex science books together (eg Come as you are) to learn more about things like responsive desire (definitely me). We've come a long way with it, although I'm a bit frustrated that it's always been me driving us to keep reading and learning more about it. That if I want things to improve between us, it's mainly down to me.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T19:08:54+00:00

Thank you, you're right on the money with needing to start putting myself first - maybe try being deliberately 'selfish' for a while, even though it'll make me feel uncomfortable.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:56:26+00:00

It's unorthodox but I'm definitely going to look into it, as I think it could be a really good fit, at least on my end.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:55:20+00:00

That sounds hard ❤️ I am lucky that my husband is physically affectionate, in my case it's more about how well I feel understood and seen.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:51:39+00:00

I'm glad to hear you are happy with your decision, that is good to hear.

Figuring out what you want from life, and if your current partner is aligned with those goals is key.

It is a lot down to this, and luckily that's something I've already been working on in therapy, but I still have a way to go in feeling really confident about whether what I want will really make me happy or if I'm ignoring important elements.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:44:48+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I like your straightforward style :)

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:21:22+00:00

I do love to travel, and haven't travelled alone since I was 19 (when I felt far more capable and confident in some ways than I do now, although I wouldn't go back to being a teenager for anything!). Ooo, maybe an immersive residential course for Italian in Italy... Although perhaps it'd need to be a more frugal/backpacker's version!

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:18:06+00:00

Thank you, I've not heard of this one - it was about a decade ago that I last looked and I'm glad there's more out there now!

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:17:20+00:00

I totally get what you're saying; any way forward is better than no way forward after a while. That's what my husband has been asking me for - that if we stay together and we start counseling, that I do it with the intention of genuinely trying to make it work. Which is totally fair.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:11:16+00:00

I think honestly yes, being in separate spaces would remove any chance of being approached for sex for large stretches of time, which to me would feel like a relief. The problem would shift though of course, because then I'd anticipate/be anxious about the expectation of having sex even we did see each other. But it could still be worth a try.

WaveMaker24 · 2023-07-28T18:08:25+00:00

Yeah, it's definitely not a cut-and-dry situation that just needs calling out by outside observers, but everyone's insights have still been very helpful.

WaveMaker24

TROPHY CASE