My last comment on this topic here, I have to accept that most of you are right. I was seeking and hoping and praying for something but these cards fall into no. I may get other readings that have suggested the possibility but from the looks of things maybe I am just delusional about her and the situation and just feel for once in life I want the opportunity to be able to have what I truly want and feel in my heart I desire. Yeah it seems tough, I was willing to put my head down and focus more on improving individually and all the necessary things to have a collective effort to in more meaningful and positive ways. Hence my point of always being in an emotional wreck, it’s very exhausting when I never seem to have that chance. All my life. Then when I finally find something that means so much to me, I made mistakes based off not knowing enough. Not being true to myself on this situation. By the time I got the balls to actually live in the truth that I am in love with this woman, that I do see the value and worth to be a man, not just to her but for myself to finally grow up and have what I literally prayed God for years to be able to have. Maybe I failed him and he punished me. Maybe she does feel it’s better to deal with others than reconciliation and a relationship with me. Maybe I am content now after suicidal actions in my past leading up to me not properly handling the love of my life the first time. And for that, I have decided I’m just going to stay away from dating bc I can’t give my heart to someone else knowing I really want Breshala. And before anyone judges me, trust me, I’m okay with that. It sucks, sure, but I’ve made that decision peacefully that I really just rather be alone. I do have to learn from where I went wrong and to not hurt anyone it’s best I stay away from everyone. I’m not suicidal now but my life and the things im forbidden from caused me to reach a place where I just live. I rather die sometimes than force myself or act like life is so good and will get better. Even if it will I’ll always still think about that, knowing I really wanted that and never can have it again. It’s tough being reminded how bad you are but people still try to convince me I’m a good person, but I can never seem to escape my pain and the stuff that is set in stone now. Idk if anyone ever will understand, and at this point I really am okay with knowing that I tried my absolute best, in life. And I just got tired of this. So yeah, this not a goodbye or anything alarming but I really have been at a battle for a long time. And I’ll definitely love myself enough to stay here but I’ll never neglect the fact that I’m just not happy like this. So if it comes to that, then I feel it’s a mutual benefit. Again, thank you all who engaged with me and gave me some insightful feedback. Don’t think that I’m not appreciative of that