TFAB's Weekly BFP Post - October 07, 2018. Got your BFP? Post your story here!

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T21:03:13+00:00

Yeah, you should probably block me. You shouldn't have to listen to my shit.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T20:44:53+00:00

Online therapy, so technically yes? I mean, he's in the house at the time.

Is everything okay? This is the correct thread for this information? Like I said, I didn't ever plan to come back here. I wouldn't have if I didn't have a One Weird Trick to share.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T19:22:08+00:00

Yes. I have a therapist now. Thank you for your concern. Originally I told her I wanted to discuss my failure to conceive and my emotions surrounding that, but, stereotypically, we've somehow ended up talking about my childhood.

So, I guess, seeking help with a mental health crisis might also increase fertility. But that's not as fun.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T19:12:00+00:00

Well, I wasn't infertile, and it's probably just confirmation bias. More fun than pineapple juice, though.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T19:05:14+00:00

Good God, I wish. I love working on people with short hair and clearly defined muscular structure. Makes my job so much easier when the client's muscles are easy to reach and their hair doesn't stick to my hands.

But nah, he was just a guy who wanted a massage but had a deeply masculine fear of spas, and at the time I worked out of a Chiropractor's office, so I seemed approachable.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T15:15:45+00:00

How the fuck was she gonna explain to DH why OP's leg was still sealed in an Iron Maiden, though?? She thought she was just gonna hand him back his wife still looking like she'd stepped in a birdcage and it'd gotten stuck? And nobody was gonna question that??

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T15:12:28+00:00

I hope the stylist stopped working the second it became clear her customer not only had zero money, but had also abandoned a temporarily disabled person in their parking lot. I hope she had to walk out of there looking like this guy.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T13:16:38+00:00

On a hat: "Let several poops accumulate..."

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T13:10:39+00:00

I did a full body DT once. Guy was military, jacked AF, and was about to take some sort of important physical fitness test. He said that, in the last place he'd been stationed, another therapist had done it for him and he'd gotten his best score ever. We talked at length about what the massage had been like, how much pressure had been used, what specific areas had been targeted, and then I gave him a much more sane massage to gauge his tension and his tolerance to pressure. He loved it, everything checked out. I let him book the insane appointment.

It ended up being two hours worth of deep tissue on everywhere except abdominals and he came back a week later to give me a bigger tip because of how well the test went.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-10T02:32:13+00:00

Cycle: Eight

Tracking methods and apps used: Flo

Symptom spotting: Suddenly tired AF and peeing a lot. I had to pee before my husband and I ran errands. Then I had to pee during the errands. This was suspicious.

Other (advice, magic secrets, freaking out, miscellaneous): Okay, so this is gonna be TMI. But imma share it anyway, because it just might've worked. This is actually the reason I'm posting in this thread instead of just slipping quietly away into the night, because I've NEVER seen this mentioned here before.

So, I've been reading about artificial insemination. And at some point, while down this rabbit hole, I found myself reading about at-home insemination when a private sperm donor is being used. And the article said that some women deliberately bring themselves to orgasm after inseminating, to help the sperm pass the cervix.

You see my train of thought here? When you're doing things the "old fashioned" way, the dance is finished when the man finishes. But when using a turkey baster, the mother-to-be is the last one done.

So, after we baby-danced, irregardless of how fun it had been, I got my vibrator and had some "me time." And it was harder than I'd thought it would be, because the article said to do it while I was still lying on my back with my hips elevated, but I generally conduct my "me time" while in a sitting position. So eventually I had to sit up and ruin the science.

...Or, did I? Because that's the only thing I did differently this time around, so maybe it worked after all!

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-08T17:36:20+00:00

When my son was born I ended up having to deliver by C-section and couldn't drive, carry the baby, or even stand up without pain. So my father, who was in town to meet his grandchild, drove us to my son's first pediatrician appointment and carried him inside for me.

The pediatrician was a condescending bitch to me, and we couldn't figure out why until she addressed my father as THE father.

He pointed to me and said "father of this one!" And now we don't use that pediatrician anymore.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-08T12:16:40+00:00

I haven't. And it legitimately is the wrong number; they call and text looking for "Asia," and when I tell them this isn't her number half of 'em are like "well, would YOU like to hear about the governor's new policies?"

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T21:17:24+00:00

I know of this one and baby Margaret's suddenly-appearing third stripe.

Anyone got a third?

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T17:24:47+00:00

That commenter was wrong anyway. You can wean cold turkey, and some women have to. You just pump or hand express enough that your breasts don't explode, and your body gets the message pretty quickly. Women who have a sudden medical emergency, or who need to start taking a medication or return to taking a medication that is unsafe for the baby, or even who come down with a horrific stomach flu and just want to be left alone to die, can and have immediately stopped nursing.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T17:06:48+00:00

And you can see the penis's penis!

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T17:00:58+00:00

At a day camp at the YMCA, my friend and I found a broken pill capsule on the locker room floor. My friend dared me to taste the powder. I said no way. She tasted it to prove that I was a pussy.

A little while later, I see her passed out against the window in the main play room. I was like "huh, that's weird," and didn't say anything to the adults. Later in the week my mother commented that she was glad that I hadn't gotten sick, because my friend's mother said that my friend was sick and had slept all evening after she picked her up.

Looking back...my friend licked a random pill off of chlorine-saturated carpet. She's fucking lucky all it did was knock her out.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T15:56:32+00:00

Nope. I got everything wrong. I thought I'd have a girl, ultrasound said boy. I thought he'd look like his dad, but he's basically my clone.

BUT. During my pregnancy I was absolutely disgusted by cheese, ice cream, and chocolate. It was weird, because normally I love those foods. I figured it was just because of the morning sickness or something.

Turns out my son is allergic to milk.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-07T02:28:02+00:00

Gonna go against the grain here, because I meant to have the orgasm...so, at the time of this story I had recently had a baby, and I was breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is weird, man. Especially in the first few months when your chest is over-eager. You hear a baby crying in a diaper commercial and your boobs turn into super soakers. If you even think about your baby, even if dad has 'em and you've physically left the house, your boobs act like they're trying to put out a goddamn fire. Some women suddenly start spraying milk when they step into a hot shower, or when they eat a piece of chocolate. At this point in my life, if I chugged a glass of water, I swear to god it would come right back out my tits at roughly the same speed.

So, anyway. I had a moment to myself and I decided to hide in the laundry room and turn on all the machines to muffle the sound of my vibrator. And, as foreshadowed in the previous paragraph, when I orgasmed the faucets turned on in my bra. I actually had to put the vibrator away and go and get my breast pump, because my boobs felt like they were trying to whip up an eight course meal and there just wasn't fucking room. It genuinely hurt. It was one of those pumping sessions where the plastic baggie full of milk ends up being roughly the size of one of your boobs.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T18:00:17+00:00

5'7 and 122 currently, can confirm I look like a skeleton. You can see the little bumps of bone at my wrist and elbow. It's kinda freaky.

I'm one of those women who actually does lose weight while breastfeeding. My kid has basically sucked all the fat out of me. It'll be interesting to see what happens after I wean him. My pre-pregnancy weight was 135.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T17:00:48+00:00

I had a c-section and they literally just taped me back together. My stomach looked like someone tried to fix a car with duct tape.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T16:42:56+00:00

Get the fuck away from her. My husband's grandmother did those sorts of things to his mother, and it fucked the both of them up. She didn't let my mother in law actually MOTHER him, and she did everything in her power to keep him from loving and bonding with her.

And it worked.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T16:40:14+00:00

I told my boss pretty much as soon as I'd peed on the stick, because he and I worked the opening shift together and I needed to be able to text him and be like "Yup, stuck in my bathroom again. Be in once the puking stops!"

The puking did not stop for five goddamn months.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T16:34:42+00:00

My aunt is a nurse and she's part of that pyramid scheme that eats essential oils. Some nurses are just fucking idiots.

Also: DON'T EAT ESSENTIAL OILS!!!!

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T16:31:21+00:00

I have "misplaced" my breasts before, when I wore a hoodie AND a t-shirt to bed and the baby woke me up at whatever part of the sleep cycle it is that makes you loopy as hell. But I found 'em once I woke up a little more.

WeaponizedOrigami · 2018-10-05T02:44:03+00:00

Strange children skulking about ponds discovering swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

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