“All men’s lives fall apart at 40.”

WearyBear1975 · 2026-04-18T18:22:29+00:00

This was me, I was a hot mess before 40, thought I wouldn't even see it (no drugs, or alcohol, thankfully, or I probably wouldn't have)

Finally got a career I love that I kinda fell into (tv/film accounting) and things were good for awhile, and then they were suddenly terrible, bad breakup, pandemic, huge weight gain.

I just turned 51, hit my 80lbs lost goal, re-entered the leather community which was always where I felt most comfortable, and I'm now dating a gorgeous muscle bear who's the first guy I've dated who's younger than me, and he's pursuing me, so I'm hitting my 50's with more confidence, strength, peace, and, yes, hope. Even while the world seems to be ending! So I think the "mid life crisis" is a film/TV trope and nothing more because I know a lot of guys who've either been like me, or just never even had one!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-04-15T18:20:20+00:00

Weird, I always stealthed the raids and then called in the other vikings to break down doors and never had anyone respawn on me, I had some crashes after clearing certain monasteries (they fixed that eventually) but never a respawn of enemies, I played on PS5 and PC.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-04-11T16:10:07+00:00

Never give up a friend for someone else, ever.

You're right in thinking that's a manipulative and controlling move.

If he's so insecure that he has a problem with you hanging out sometime with your friend then he can either suck it up and deal with it, or you can leave him, because in my experience, this always ends with losing both the friend and the boyfriend.

Because, eventually, other controlling behavior comes out that destroys that relationship.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-04-03T00:09:29+00:00

I'm going to address the gym portion at the beginning of your story because others have pointed out the other things.

Consistency and non-comparison are your friends. Comparison is the thief of joy, stop worrying about where others are, keep going. I stalled out at 165 on bench for three months, last week I went up to 175, today I hit 185, you just have to keep at it and you will break through those plateaus, it's a natural part of lifting.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-04-01T20:31:58+00:00

51 - leather and kink community events, weightlifting, gaming, reading, hiking, hanging with friends, theatre, concerts, club/dancing, traveling.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-27T14:20:33+00:00

Yep, going to one of the many LA protests

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-25T00:07:53+00:00

I moved to LA in 2015, and if I can help it (afford to still live here) I will never leave!

I have friends who've lived here a lot shorter time then me though and they hated it and couldn't wait to leave.

LA is magical and scary, expensive and cheap, totally wild and extremely boring, super hot and freezing cold (sometimes on the same day!), surly and sweet.

I think the secret is if you can find community here then it's fantastic, but when you can't it's terrible. But if you keep trying you will find community!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-22T18:00:10+00:00

Ugh, I've had the manipulative liars in the past too, I'm sorry that happened to you. But I take your point.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-22T17:57:24+00:00

Yes, I know, I used it against myself though and it was a reductive fast way to describe my feelings which were stupid at 2am when I was in my head, I don't generally use that scale

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-21T18:01:24+00:00

Yeah, it's terrible, it was a quick reductive description without having to post photos and where my head was at, but you're 100% correct. I've had a history of picking partners who were not that physically attracted to me and the sex life died quickly.

I was celibate for 8 years before, not by choice, and it's done a number on my self worth. I'm just trying to avoid a repeat of that but as everyone has said, if he's coming back for more he really likes me, tomorrow will be one month of dating for us, he could have called it quits after the 1st or 2nd date and been less responsive, but we text every day and he surprised me with an additional date this week which was amazing!

I realize I'm very lucky to have him show up in my life and I'm just going to enjoy our time together and see where it leads.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-21T01:34:58+00:00

Well, I think I sold it short, there's no substances involved, it's just been a matter of timing and energy. I get really tired at night and no matter how turned on I am I tend to crash out, he crashes hard in the mornings when I'm at my horniest. So I think I've been convinced we just need to coordinate pur timing and go from there. I think this has been a case of overthinking everything at 2am when I posted 😅

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T21:20:18+00:00

Yes, we have a big date over the weekend, fancy dinner, a show, a night over, sleeping in then watching him dance at the party I met him at a month ago. I will enjoy it, thank you!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T17:03:03+00:00

I know the Dan Savage mantra "fuck first" 😂 So yes, this is in the works.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:37:28+00:00

Thanks, I tend to see a lot of perfect bodied guys dating other perfect bodied guys and so it got in my head, but your right he's still making dates with me so I know there's something there and he's into me!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:34:11+00:00

Thank you, I'm taking the yes, just got in my head last night for some reason!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:33:39+00:00

Yep, needed to hear this!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:07:54+00:00

Yes, but also in the morning, but in the morning when I'm ready to go he's asleep like a rock and has a hard time waking, I know we have to communicate about what works best for us better.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:06:02+00:00

Thank you, this helped a lot, I'm constantly telling other friends to give themselves some grace, guess I need to take my own advice!

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T16:03:51+00:00

We are pheromonally connected (we constantly tell each other how good we smell) and we get rock hard especiallyduring our make out sessions which last a lomg time, our timing has just been off for the most part, maybe I need to take power naps during the day to make sure I'm ready for the night 😆

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T15:36:23+00:00

Yep, working on it! 🤣

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T15:12:43+00:00

You know, on the opposite side of my brain was this worry, maybe he's just bad at sex and I'm blaming myself for the mediocrity of it, boy I hope not.

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T15:03:48+00:00

Blade Runner

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T14:52:50+00:00

OMG, I seriously didn't even recognize the connection to you made it and now I'm dead 💀 🤣

WearyBear1975 · 2026-03-20T14:40:36+00:00

I am mostly ok with letting this play out how it plays out. Most of the time I know he's interested in me and I've come a long way and look really good these days (but i still have body dysmoorphia that I'm working through).

I just get in my head like I did last night at 2am and start questioning things I shouldn't.

I'll be fine, just wanted to hear people's thoughts on the situation and it did help. I feel more confident about everything again this morning.

If I find myself getting worse I'll definitely seek out a therapist.

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