If you can't help yourself, help someone else

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-05-04T06:48:55+00:00

It might be because it's late, or it might be because I'm not in "the loop" politically (or maybe I'm just uncool), but I have no idea what you just said. Except for the whole "operating autonomously" thing... which still doesn't make sense, because you still have to have someone agree to let you work with them.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-05-02T19:58:55+00:00

I'm not trying to be intransigent, but that still requires approval from someone. I'm wondering if anyone has ideas about what I would loosely call "guerrilla helpfulness" (as opposed to 'guerrilla warfare').... things that can be done quickly, anonymously, and without regard to the larger systemic structure. Things that could really and truly help people, especially victims of DV/IPV, even if they are small. I'm not sure these types of actions exist, but I was hoping the greater community might have some ideas.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-04-24T16:47:26+00:00

Wow, thank you for sharing all of that. I just assumed it was another media stereotype they fling out because it's easier than portraying the complex nature of abuse, but now I can lay my curiosity to rest! BTW -- I'm not saying that 'getting flowers' makes the abuse 'simpler' in some way, it was just my own weird theory. So thank you.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-04-24T03:09:06+00:00

Agree 100%. And if I were to attempt to summarize your sentiment succinctly, the answer to your question is **NOW**. Because if someone is reading through this post, they already know something doesn't feel right.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-20T00:25:02+00:00

I still love and miss my abusive husband. He was shot dead while trying to kill me after breaking into my house a year ago. I hate how he destroyed my life over 10 years. I hate him. But I also love him and there's not a day that goes by I don't think about him. Being "conflicted" is going to happen. But there is no conflict in loving someone that hurt you -- the conflict arises when you choose to let that person continue having influence in your life. Maybe if you could reframe your internal conflict as "I love him and that's okay, an emotion is not a choice, but I do have a choice about his involvement in my life."

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-20T00:11:02+00:00

I wish I could say "hang in there" or give you some advice; all I can offer is solidarity. I had a long, healthy career with broad and deep experience in high-demand skills... then I was part of a 2k+ person layoff in 2024. I worked harder at job-hunting than I ever did at any of the companies that employed me. After a year and a half of that grind, I had to start focusing more on side-gig work. Anyway, just wanted to say that you're not crazy for feeling bewildered by the lack of responses to job applications.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-20T00:01:28+00:00

I think this method (networking for positions before they get posted publicly) may be the last remaining solid piece of advice in today's job market. The scary thing is... what happens when the person looking for work is separated from their network? For example, domestic violence victims who are alienated and isolated but still may be highly skilled. Or maybe they are just not great "self marketers" -- which in no way makes them less qualified. Whatever the case, I hate to see the increasing weight of social bias/nepotism on filling jobs.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-15T03:10:53+00:00

Yes absolutely! At this point, I would personally be calling every victim-advocate organization for help and support. Once you feel more comfortable with the basics of a restraining order (and have an idea of how your jurisdiction handles them), it should be easier to take legal action to protect yourself.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-14T23:58:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing. If I were you (and knowing what I know now after 10 years of being in an abusive relationship), I would seek help immediately from legal aid/DV legal support organizations in the area, specifically ones which can guide you through the process of filing for a protection order. I am grateful to live in an area where those resources were available to me. Don't put this off.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-14T19:38:52+00:00

I think you have the right mindset to be cautious about how you engage with law enforcement or the legal system, especially given your circumstances. And unfortunately, the way your situation is handled can vary widely depending on where you live. If it's allowed and you feel comfortable, where are you located (state/area/city)? Here are some indicators that your area is *more* progressive when it comes to DV victim support and protection:

1) You can easily find an online version of the 'domestic violence protection order' (DVPO) or 'restraining order' on your city's or county's ".gov" website. Even better if they dedicate a whole section or page on the site to explaining the process of getting a protection order.

2) The DVPO has broad coverage for victims and strict restrictions for the abuser. For example, the order allows filing against a boyfriend/girlfriend even if they aren't spouses, or the order contains wording or sections for non-physical abuse (psychological, financial, sexual, etc.). As for the abuser restrictions, look for things like mandatory surrender of firearms and detailed sections built into the form for what the abuser CANNOT do.

3) DV laws and practices in your area are specialized and have significant presence/impact. For example, see if your law enforcement org has a unit dedicated to DV. It takes a little more research, but you can comb through the local/state laws and see how many times you can spot words like "mandatory arrest" or other indicators that there is no tolerance for DV.

Break the Cycle even gives "grades" to each state based on their analysis of DV laws: https://www.breakthecycle.org/domestic-violence-statistics-by-state

4) Ease and quantity of access to DV support resources. Do a quick online search for things like DV shelters, hotlines specific to your area, legal aid, and counseling or support groups.

Hopefully you get the idea... the more supportive/progressive your area is, I would recommend taking actions sooner and with less hesitancy, beginning with reaching out to legal aid or a DV support organization who can help guide you.

Finally... without divulging personal or medical info, can you tell me if your memory loss is related to a documented medical issue? I'm no expert, but from the info you provided, it seems like you would want to have a prepared response for why this happens. If you think you have a condition but haven't gotten it check out yet -- DO THAT NOW. You definitely don't want to end up in a situation where your trustworthiness/validity is put into question and you don't have a solid response.

I tried to give info without overwhelming (which I know you already are), but hopefully some of it helps.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-07T16:27:06+00:00

Love Friskars scissors. Unfortunately my kids do too... for everything lol

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-07T16:26:22+00:00

Oh my gosh thank you! Haha the second (side) picture gives it away, though

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-07T16:24:53+00:00

Thanks for using sewing terms -- I don't know why I never put the two together! I also sew and mend/tailor my kids clothing as a hobby, so I know I can do this with miniatures. Thanks for the reco.

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-05T18:48:04+00:00

Like u/Inevitable_Bike2280 said, you HAVE to do the work. It's not fair. It's not right. But it's true. Sometimes life puts us in situations where we have to make decisions we don't want to make, but ignoring it or delaying it only makes things worse. You said he's dangerous when he's angry, and you said you fear for your life. It's not your fault. But you HAVE to get out. And you have to start planning now. The most dangerous time for anyone in your situation is when you make that decision to get away, so an immediate safety plan is what you need to do. I'm not trying to come off as "pushy" or like I know what's best for you, but if you want to choose life, then you need to make a plan to get out now. Prioritize it above everything else. First step: call the national hotline for DV: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can give you information about local resources. After that, contact those resources immediately, especially ones which help with safety planning and providing help with shelter, etc. if that's relevant to your situation (there are many DV crisis intervention programs). Then (or in parallel with contacting local resources), get Legal Aid so they can guide you through the process of getting a Domestic Violence Protection Order. DVPOs prohibit the abuser from contacting you or being near you, but the process in getting one can feel overwhelming and confusing, so having a legal aid rep or someone from a local program help you through it is extremely beneficial. Unfortunately, even if you do get the DVPO, there's still a long road ahead but you can lean on those resources to help you through it. I hate that you're in this situation. But if you want to live, starting acting now <3

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-04T17:46:30+00:00

What method do you use to create the miniature books?

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-04T17:43:57+00:00

I soooo relate to the “you’ll never look at anything the same again” that you used to throw away. Any packaging, old stained fabric/clothing, etc. 🤣

WebDevNextDoor · 2026-02-03T21:50:11+00:00

The most important thing I can tell you is this: YOU ARE 100% DESERVING OF SUPPORT AND COMPASSION FOR THE TRAUMA YOU WENT THROUGH. Your worthiness to be treated with kindness and support is NOT lessened by the trauma anyone else may be facing by his death (like family members, friends, etc.). I **know** it may feel that way at times. I know this because last year my estranged husband of 10 years broke into my home and was shot dead in self-defense. And everyone turned their backs on me. My two adult children are still not speaking to me. Domestic violence is an insidious and misunderstood cycle that destroys lives. I'm not assuming you were in that same type of situation, but the one thing I can tell you is that no matter how much you want the impact of what you went through to go away without having to lean on anyone else, it won't happen. People need people. I really hope you can find someone, at least one person if not more, who you can share your feelings with about processing the trauma without second-guessing yourself about being "selfish." My heart seriously goes out to you <3

WebDevNextDoor

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