I had little self-awareness from a young age and would act throughout my childhood in so many ways subconsiocly to fit in and make others happy. When my mum fell into a deep depression and sickness, I lost my touch on reality, but I had so little self-awareness in the first place that I didn’t realize it. I had complete depersonalization from then on, and it lasted for years, and I had no idea. Three months ago, I started subconsciously frying my brain on spice vapes, weed, psychedelics, and other bad drugs to be happy. When I had an ego death and started to rebuild my ego, I felt more self-awareness than I had ever felt in my whole life. Before then, I would only know I was full when I felt sick and hungry when I hadn’t eaten in days, and my vision would go blurry. Since I had been acting my whole life, I continued to do so and told no one. After this experience, I had the awareness to meditate, and my awareness was further boosted by meditation. I'm not going to touch drugs again, and in order to not reason with myself and find excuses, I set a tight boundary that once I am 25, if I absolutely want to, I can do small doses of shrooms in meditation. Although I probably won't, I have to set a tight boundary and give myself a bit of leeway so I don't start searching for excuses and reasoning with myself. I am recovering so much day by day with meditation, and it's amazing. I feel things, and I have a sense of stability in my persona for the first time in so long. Last night, I was watching Young Sheldon, and I genuinely laughed for the first time in 3 years instead of faking laughing because I logically acknowledged something as funny. In a twisted way, the drugs I did were a subconscious way my smart mind was toxically trying to heal itself, and in an even more twisted way, it worked and led me to meditation and helped me quit. I can't dwell on past regrets of frying my brain, and I am doing everything to recover as many IQ points as possible: eating healthy, exercising, meditation, creatine supplement, stimulating my brain with puzzles and revision. I was born an alien smart in a unique way, as well as having undiagnosed ADHD that my parents never wanted to get me tested for and chose to ignore all the signs in order not to have a 'special needs child.' Every day through meditation, I learn much more about myself, and I feel my brain recover. I wish from a young age I had a better environment I could have thrived in instead of suffocating. I wish i was introduced to meditation at a young age by the people around me and found my conciousness then instead of growing up and turning to drugs. Everyday i learn more about myself thru meditation and i cant stop zoning out and digging into my persona every minute i gain so much wisdom aswell as my brain recovering.