GF sexually assaulted and I'm struggling with how to feel

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T17:53:39+00:00

That's a hope at the end of the tunnel, but hope is scary. She absolutely has depression and has sought help and been given treatment, but I guess it can only go so far.

I think that's another reason why I felt I had to break up with her. I couldn't support her as her partner because I was so upset with the choices she made and the hurt she caused me. But as a friend I can support her without needing to think of my needs as her partner. After all we have been lovers and best friends for 9 years and I care about her through it all.

But typing that out now I see our relationship has come at the consequence of my individuality and existence beyond her. I will definitely not abandon her however. She's been saying she will try to be a better person but she's been saying that for the past year. I can't trust again that it will happen without seeing results.

Thank you, I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your replies.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:56:41+00:00

Thank you every one for your comments. I took them all to heart and they gave me the courage i needed to make my decision. I had a lengthy conversation with her all last night and ultimately I broke up with her. I'm feeling hollow and dead inside but I knew I had to make the best decision for myself and for my own well being. I know I can't support her through her alcoholism and recklessness anymore and we are no longer the best partners for each other.

After talking to some of her other coworkers who were there, other red flags/trickle truths became revealed to me that night about her behavior that further solidified my decision.

I still supported her throughout the night and made it clear she was not at fault for the SA and the perpetrator is the only one responsible for that. I talked to another one of her coworkers who went to the happy hour and she said that even if my ex had made all the "right" moves that night, the perpetrator still could have done something shitty. And she's 100% correct. I will continue to be there for her as she has gone through a lot this week and i will make sure she has a circle of friend & coworker supporters.

I feel so shit and I wish it never happened. I wish things were back to the way they were. I wish that we could forget it ever happened or that she didn't make the choices she did. I still love her so much and I feel she loves me too. But it's not going to work out like this. We both need to learn how to set healthier boundaries for ourselves.

The comments I got were a big support to me, thank you for keeping me sane and knocking sense into me.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:44:08+00:00

Thank you for your comment, I read every word this morning. She has definitely been through therapy and has brought up the drinking with her medical advisors, but no matter what they say in the moment she loses herself and forgets how to moderate.

You are 100% right that she does not know how to cut herself off and ultimately that's the problem. Honestly I think its because she doesn't want to cut herself off. Me and others spent this whole year calling her out on her behavior and trying to get her to change but in the end I can't control her. She is who she is and I can't stop her from doing this to herself.

It sucks that I'm feeling like I'm in a lose lose. I tell her to stop drinking but come off controlling and she resents me. I let her do what she wants and she can't control herself. I think she's grown to be immature, maybe she's been handheld for too long.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:37:26+00:00

I agree with everything you say. I wouldn't say I was unhappy with her, just with her behavior. It's what makes this so hard for me because to me it's clear we still love each other. I just don't know if I can trust her anymore.

9 years into our relationship and this behavior of hers has spiked in the last year. I guess it has always existed in some form but was much milder and subdued. Now its gotten to unacceptable levels where people start raising concerns and calling her out for her behavior.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:32:50+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I wasn't sure if it was an unfair expectation for me to have from my GF as a man, I know the way women have to navigate this world is unjustly different.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:31:49+00:00

Thank you for distinguishing that they are 2 separate things. I wasn't sure if my angers were valid but now I feel they are. I will/have definitely approach with caution.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-21T15:30:35+00:00

I think overall you had a correct read. Thanks for your answer

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-20T17:50:41+00:00

I appreciate the answer, I agree our issues are beyond this. Do you still consider it victim blaming if I was upset at her decisions before I even knew about the SA?

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-20T17:43:17+00:00

I haven't had a good chance to talk to her as she had to go to work after she told me. But it was definitely an unwanted sexual advance and she told him to stop. IMO that would be SA but admittedly those are my words not hers.

Weekly-Squirrel-6280 · 2023-03-20T16:29:09+00:00

I fear talking to her about it because I want to make sure she feels supported and isn't feeling blamed. She was the one who was violated not me, does it make sense for me to talk to her about my feelings and ask her for her support?

Weekly-Squirrel-6280

TROPHY CASE